I never watch the same movie twice.
It's a terrible nuisance when someone asks me about a movie I watched years ago, and I can only give a vague account of what it was all about. I mainly remember what I felt like while I watched it, or how the story left me feeling afterwards. I can never state its plot matter-of-factly; I'll always be blinded by my biases.
I recently discovered the same rule applied to a person I fell in love with.
I never looked at the way he really was, but was always entranced by how he made me feel the first time I laid eyes on him. Reruns of his words and his actions had little mattered under the influence of the premiere. It was like my brain was in a hurried loop to go back to that time when we first met, play it over and over again, and bury deep all the heartache his mere presence in my life caused.
He was not a bad person. He was every bit as intelligent, vulnerable, brave and scared as I was. Many a time even more so. He bore strong resemblance to how I imagined my knight in a shining armor to be when I was a young girl. And I was tremendously thankful to have crossed paths with him.
But the more I think about it, the more I'm convinced we wouldn't have worked out. Our attraction was the kind of insanity that causes people to die for each other, not the foolery that drives them to live with each other. It's the kind -I personally believe- that should be experienced once in a lifetime, but not every day for a lifetime. He was someone I wanted in every way to be with, just not someone I would risk everything I have for.
I pray time can reveal what emotions obscured...and maybe a rerun with a clear mind and a passionless heart.
It's a terrible nuisance when someone asks me about a movie I watched years ago, and I can only give a vague account of what it was all about. I mainly remember what I felt like while I watched it, or how the story left me feeling afterwards. I can never state its plot matter-of-factly; I'll always be blinded by my biases.
I recently discovered the same rule applied to a person I fell in love with.
I never looked at the way he really was, but was always entranced by how he made me feel the first time I laid eyes on him. Reruns of his words and his actions had little mattered under the influence of the premiere. It was like my brain was in a hurried loop to go back to that time when we first met, play it over and over again, and bury deep all the heartache his mere presence in my life caused.
He was not a bad person. He was every bit as intelligent, vulnerable, brave and scared as I was. Many a time even more so. He bore strong resemblance to how I imagined my knight in a shining armor to be when I was a young girl. And I was tremendously thankful to have crossed paths with him.
But the more I think about it, the more I'm convinced we wouldn't have worked out. Our attraction was the kind of insanity that causes people to die for each other, not the foolery that drives them to live with each other. It's the kind -I personally believe- that should be experienced once in a lifetime, but not every day for a lifetime. He was someone I wanted in every way to be with, just not someone I would risk everything I have for.
I pray time can reveal what emotions obscured...and maybe a rerun with a clear mind and a passionless heart.
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