The 2016 Post

Happy New Year everyone!

Typically in posts like these, people write the things they learned in the past year, or list the things they resolve to achieve in the New Year. I’d like to pretend I’m super original and mix both in this following post.

The past two years held a lot of painful memories for me. They showed me that a “normal” healthy person could descend to the depths of hell in what looks like no time at all. I’ve known loss and loneliness all too well, and my emotions got so in control that my brain lost all its power to fight against this darkness. I felt trapped and angered by my entrapment, I felt like I couldn’t fight it for the life of me. The problem is that I isolated myself in the process, making myself all the more vulnerable to that vicious cycle of doom. It made sense in my faulty psyche that pretending I’m doing fine will ward off unwanted offers of help, or even discourage the advances of well-meaning people who would like to be part of my life. I wholeheartedly admit I was wrong. I was wrong and that adamancy delayed my recovery for what felt like ages.

I’m not a hundred percent whole now. I haven’t returned to my old self, whoever that was. But I can say I’m on the path of becoming a more self-aware person, without the deceptions that my anxious brain and shaken emotions fed me. It was a painful process; knowing so much about my own self that made me question everything I knew. My eyes were opened to the whole lot that can go wrong with one’s mind if they surrender to the chaos of it all. I got scared and I continue to get scared by the ugliness that surrounds me, but now I have the conviction that I can undo some of its damage done unto me and unto others.

I can’t say I’m completely past the vulnerability, but I believe with the help of people who truly and altruistically care about me, I’m moving forward. It’s one of those old, worn clichés, but it’s never shameful to ask for help. We’ve all stepped in those same old shoes, and it’s well-established wisdom now that nobody can make it on their own without severely damaging a side or another of their personality. (Please, know how valuable you are to ask for help from even the one person who shows you they care. You’re worth it.)

I think right now the best thing I can vow to myself is to try and care for myself well. I know anxiety and depression can kick in, and I know that some lies I have told myself might not dissipate that easily, but I also know that even the little faith I have in goodness from God and from others is worth something. I know that the worried tone in my mom’s voice, the warm hug from my dog, the annoying jokes my sister tells and the laugh of my dad when I say something funny can make me feel safe and loved. I know that my best friend and only trustworthy gossip-partner is the only reason I smile some days, and the two-hour long meet ups with my second closest friend give me revelations not even ten books provide. I also know that every time a friend cares enough to email me or text me is a reminder that that person cares enough to re-invite me into their life. I now know that we are each other’s anchors in the midst of all the madness.

I pray we all have a happier year, one with bigger and better chances to grow and become a little more helpful to ourselves and to others.

December 28th, 2013

So long 2013, you've been a good  year!

Not saying this in terms of the number of events which left me triumphant or downright happy. You've been a good year for learning, growing up and seeing things more realistically.

Since the very beginning I've known you'd be special. I had this intuition that I won't be the same person or have the same experiences after you've passed. I mean, graduating high school is no small matter. But let's face it, you had much more in store for me than that!

You broke me…several times and through small intervals of time. Did it hurt? Heck yeah. Do I regret anything that lead to this breakage? Not even a bit.

And even though I don't like feeling "schooled", I love learning new life lessons. And you, 2013, offered more than I could ever ask for.  You taught me that, in various ways, I'm still a kid and should seek the guidance and advice of the more experienced. You taught me that I ought not to believe every word of praise I receive, and listen carefully for criticism coming from trusted sources. You showed me that even if I drift apart from people there's always a chance for reconciliation, and that the closest of friends could turn to perfect strangers and vice versa in no time.

You taught me that I shouldn't expect much from people; they were not created to please me and make my every wish come true. You taught me to be patient and not to rush change or improvement, like a fine wine needs aging, everything takes time to get better. You also taught me not to wait for what I want to magically find its way to me, but to go out there and actively pursue it hoping for the best. You showed me in so many ways that there's always something new to learn, and that I should never rely on my knowledge as "enough".

Last but not least, you proved to me that God is always gracious, loving, just, able and good to me. That I should trust Him with my life, my heart, my mind, and more importantly my soul. He still wants me to be close to Him even if I try to pull myself away. And for this, I'm more thankful than for anything else.

The New Year's prayer

The prayer I will be praying tonight at midnight:
Lord, bless my new year and fill it with Your presence.
Teach me to let go of my temporary pleasures that pull me away from You.
Fill me with You, Lord, and make me desire being with You only.
Quench my thirst of being something more than Your daughter, for whenever I yearn to this fading world's glory, I turn my sights away from Your everlasting love and sacrifice.
Remind me everyday that I am Yours, that my soul, body and mind belong to You.
Surround me with Your love, so when everyone abandons me and I feel alone, I would remember having You, so my hunger would be satisfied.
Kill my desire for attention.
Set my eyes to my eternal Home. Make it my ultimate goal to be with You forever.
Let my love for You, Lord, beat my fear of You as my motive to please You and to do Your will.


Bless my family, friends, neighbors and the entire world.
Let Your unfathomable peace and glory prevail.
Mend the hearts that have been broken.
Heal the torn and wounded, both spiritually and physically.
Bring hope to the hopeless, and give insight to those who need it.
Lead nations to Your righteousness, and direct the rulers' hearts to Your desire.
Give company to the lonely, and let the hearts that have suffered rejoice with Your love.
Unveil the truth to those who seek it from You. Invalidate all earthly wisdom that contradicts Yours.

"Our Father in heaven,

hallowed be your name.

Your kingdom come,

your will be done,

on earth as it is in heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread,

and forgive us our debts,

as we also have forgiven our debtors.

And lead us not into temptation,

but deliver us from evil."

By the name of Jesus Christ. For the kingdom, the power, and the glory are yours, forever and ever. Amen.