Young and Beautiful

The thought of growing old scares me. And in that, I join the billions of people who are naturally anxious of advancing in age with all the potential health risks and the loss of loved ones and so on.

I just think it's more than that for me. For example, I'm terrified of the inevitable loneliness I'll experience more with the passing of years. And I'm not talking about not having people around, I mean the entrapment in my own psyche that will increase the older I get. How I'll stop being flexible and accepting of new ideas, How difficult it will be changing and adapting to harsh situations that my idealistic self simply wishes away. How simple it will be to hide my fears and hopes to escape ridicule or avoid conflict.

I'm also not really excited about my body aging. I can see how a year can make a difference now that I can see the pounds piling up, or how a cold doesn't go away as fast as it did before, or even the fine lines that are making a statement on my forehead to remind me I'll enjoy wrinkles for the upcoming three fourths of my life.

I'm scared of becoming less desirable...not just as a woman, but also as a person. I can see the way teenagers of 15 look at me now like I'm an old lady when I try to joke with them. It's funny sometimes, but leaves a bitter aftertaste. I'm especially reminded of it when I think a guy is cute just to find out he's a couple (or more) years younger than me, then look myself in the mirror to realize I look even older than my own age. Such a treat finding out people guess my age at 25 when I'm not yet 22.

I could rant about how youth and beauty are overrated, but they're really not. Just ask people who go under the knife to have their sagging skin tightened, or those who get into relationships with others as young as their own children. I feel like I'm spending the prime of my life laden with such thoughts, that I'll look back on it and regret not enjoying youth and beauty while I had them. But what am I to do when I feel like I have them not, even now?

The 2016 Post

Happy New Year everyone!

Typically in posts like these, people write the things they learned in the past year, or list the things they resolve to achieve in the New Year. I’d like to pretend I’m super original and mix both in this following post.

The past two years held a lot of painful memories for me. They showed me that a “normal” healthy person could descend to the depths of hell in what looks like no time at all. I’ve known loss and loneliness all too well, and my emotions got so in control that my brain lost all its power to fight against this darkness. I felt trapped and angered by my entrapment, I felt like I couldn’t fight it for the life of me. The problem is that I isolated myself in the process, making myself all the more vulnerable to that vicious cycle of doom. It made sense in my faulty psyche that pretending I’m doing fine will ward off unwanted offers of help, or even discourage the advances of well-meaning people who would like to be part of my life. I wholeheartedly admit I was wrong. I was wrong and that adamancy delayed my recovery for what felt like ages.

I’m not a hundred percent whole now. I haven’t returned to my old self, whoever that was. But I can say I’m on the path of becoming a more self-aware person, without the deceptions that my anxious brain and shaken emotions fed me. It was a painful process; knowing so much about my own self that made me question everything I knew. My eyes were opened to the whole lot that can go wrong with one’s mind if they surrender to the chaos of it all. I got scared and I continue to get scared by the ugliness that surrounds me, but now I have the conviction that I can undo some of its damage done unto me and unto others.

I can’t say I’m completely past the vulnerability, but I believe with the help of people who truly and altruistically care about me, I’m moving forward. It’s one of those old, worn clichés, but it’s never shameful to ask for help. We’ve all stepped in those same old shoes, and it’s well-established wisdom now that nobody can make it on their own without severely damaging a side or another of their personality. (Please, know how valuable you are to ask for help from even the one person who shows you they care. You’re worth it.)

I think right now the best thing I can vow to myself is to try and care for myself well. I know anxiety and depression can kick in, and I know that some lies I have told myself might not dissipate that easily, but I also know that even the little faith I have in goodness from God and from others is worth something. I know that the worried tone in my mom’s voice, the warm hug from my dog, the annoying jokes my sister tells and the laugh of my dad when I say something funny can make me feel safe and loved. I know that my best friend and only trustworthy gossip-partner is the only reason I smile some days, and the two-hour long meet ups with my second closest friend give me revelations not even ten books provide. I also know that every time a friend cares enough to email me or text me is a reminder that that person cares enough to re-invite me into their life. I now know that we are each other’s anchors in the midst of all the madness.

I pray we all have a happier year, one with bigger and better chances to grow and become a little more helpful to ourselves and to others.

10 Things I Learned As A Short-haired Girl

I have really curly hair (3b on the curl chart), but for my entire adolescent life, I did everything I could to mask it. I never went outside unless my hair was perfectly straightened or waved, and my poor hair was so co-operative that nobody would believe it when I told them my hair is actually very very curly. I recently got it cut, it's now 12-16 inches shorter in different places, and the plan is to almost never heat treat it; i.e. to go natural.

 Here is some of my newly acquired wisdom regarding hair length (and texture!) on girls...and why it's nobody's business but theirs. 

               

1. My hair before the cut was really really long. Longer than I thought it was due to damage and split ends.

2. All guys love long hair on girls.

3. Most girls wish they could chop all their hair off. They don't because of the former reason.

4. People stare at curly hair as if it were an anomaly, which truly is paradoxical since I live in an African, Middle Eastern country. Tells you a lot about beauty standards.

5. I really really like it. More than I thought I would.

6. Change is really easy for me to adapt to; I feel like I've had my hair this short since forever.

7. People who are really close to you won't filter out their opinions of your appearance. Which means getting a lot of "you're insane" and "you look 40."

8. I spend much less time worrying about how I look, whether I have stray locks or frizz. I know I do, I just don't really care about it anymore.

9. "Going natural" made me realize I can feel beautiful with no maintainance whatseoever. But it also made me appreciate how much effort women put into their looks. It's no easy task for a girl, you know.

10. Personal choices are easy to make if you don't think much about what people would say. If I had thought of every time people would look at my short hair with pity, I probably would have had second thoughts about it.

People still drop sour comments about it and some of them kind of sting, but at the end of the day, I look myself in the mirror feeling beautiful and feeling like myself. I wouldn't trade that for all the "good hair days" in the world if they don't give me that. smile emoticon

Accessible

The feeling of loneliness, we've all experienced it at some point, and I can say dreaded it for the most part. It's the feeling that creeps up on you after you've been around so many people, laughing and being merry, but after a while the company starts to fade out of sight and you're just left with it. It's that feeling of helplessness associated with need; the need for attention and acceptance, and maybe some consolation in the form of a warm hug or a pat on the back. We all crave it and we all can't do without it.

So how to fulfill the need without sounding demanding or "needy"? You become accessible.
We as humans have this hypothesis engraved in our minds that when we offer something, we're more likely to have it reciprocated. It's true for the majority to see life as a series of trading transactions, we do something for something else in return. Be that thing a material payment, an appreciative gesture, or for the more self-righteous of us, the mere sense of satisfaction for having done good. It explains why we go through a lot of crap without a short-term profit; I mean, how many times were you convinced as a child to do something because it'll get you into heaven?
But that's not our point. The point here is we offer so much because we expect so much in return. So, for example, one offers 3-4 hours daily for socializing/checking up on friends because they somehow hope to find a friend checking up on them when they feel lonely...simple as that.

Of course with social media this has become a million times easier and more convenient. You now can interact with ten times the number of people you could interact with say 20 years ago, and reach an audience of numbers you could have only wished to reach as a dreamy, wide-eyed little kid. It's become so simple to show little bits and pieces of your personality to your acquaintances and friends so as to make yourself look as charming and inviting as possible. It all works out perfectly to ward off that lousy loneliness, right?

Wrong. Sometimes the idea of acceptance sounds amazing when uttered as a general notion, like how we all should embrace each other's differences and celebrate each other's presence. However, it can cause one to think of themselves in terms of their ambiguous traits, the silhouette of their personality rather than its core, or even worse for more self-conscious people, to feel like they're deceiving their grand audience into thinking they're something better and more appealing than their true selves, which is a very guilt-inducing, self-destructive thought. It could lead these people to making all kinds of stupid decisions to disrupt the image taken of them and disprove any theories of their wholeness.

Real loneliness needs real connection to chase it away. It needs open lines of communication and a willingness to share the innermost fears and desires with someone who understands and appreciates. It needs care that extends beyond lines of texts or minutes of phone calls with contrived emotions and cold, yellow images of pseudo-facial expressions. It needs intimacy, emotional and physical.

Life and Art

But then I'm bewildered, how on earth is life not like "the movies" when people who create movies are, well, alive?! From where would poets, authors or artists in general soak the vividness of their emotions? Don't they live on the same planet we live on? 

The quote presented above is from my blog, a post dated February 14th, 2013. I had just finished reading The Prisoner of Zenda for the first time in the original text, and I was quite surprised and deeply moved by how the author managed to describe the romance between the two characters; Rudolf Rassendyll and the Princess Flavia.

It was beautiful how he described how they wanted each other, missed each other's presence, and truly longed for a life together. However, they ended up apart...that was where I cried.

Here's an excerpt from the 21st chapter in that novel. It's dear to me because it truly made me see how my wish--quoted from my beloved Oscar Wilde--that "life would imitate art" have come true in a way I never suspected:

"I am mad!" I said sullenly.

"I love your madness, dear," she answered.

Her face was away from me, but I caught the sparkle of a tear on her cheek. 

"Is love the only thing?" she asked, in low, sweet tones that seemed to bring a calm even to my wrung heart. "If love were the only thing, I would follow you—in rags, if need be—to the world's end; for you hold my heart in the hollow of your hand! But is love the only thing?"

I made no answer. It gives me shame now to think that I would not help her.

"I know people write and talk as if it were. Perhaps, for some, Fate lets it be. Ah, if I were one of them!"

 As an answer to the questions in my blog quote, they soak that vividness from life. And yes, they do live on the same planet as us, and I was privileged enough to meet some of them, even more privileged to have the close friendship and affection of one.

An artist's heart is designed to clarify every single experience it goes through. It's made to reveal mysteries that lie in everyday encounters, show the tenderness behind crude behaviors, and give meaning to abstract emotions which are then universally related to and understood. Art is created to show us beauty even in presumed ugliness, it's a reminder that the human soul is far more complex and deep than materialistic needs or earthly aspirations. This art can touch you through a word well-placed when uttered, a note well-played, or a paintbrush that holds the right color and makes the right strokes. It's appreciated when it's placed before an eager eye or given to a hungry ear; the receptacles that are willing to deliver such exhilarating experience to another artist's soul...

Words

I've always wondered what my purpose in life was. I don't really know what makes me special, what people like about me, and why my existence is beneficial to other people. The thoughts that I'm inadequate, average, not special and at times a failure still haunt me and get the best of me at times. However and regardless of my person and my fallacies, I found my true gift that I can offer to humanity: my words.

My words may not be the flashiest or the most inspiring, they may not hold the deepest of meanings and the most divine of messages. After all, they're just words...
But my words come from a sincere place. They capture what I'm thinking and feeling and offer it on a silver plate to whomever is reading them. They're the essence of my being and the fruit of my experience, the only thing that I can't forge or fake; me.

I understand that by sharing my thoughts I'm making myself vulnerable and weak. But aren't we all just that? No matter how hard we try to conceal it and how special we seem, we're all that helpless little child that wants to feel safe and accepted, that seeks approval and love wherever they're found.

Words are a powerful tool and a sacred gift, but they're also all I have. So I'll keep on filling my soul till it pours out, and maybe the flood will quench some stranger's thirst.

Innocence

Why do I always wish I could get younger?
I find a million reasons crammed inside my tiny head, ranging from things as superficial as the fine lines on my forehead I've been getting since I turned 16, to the depths of wanting to do over whole experiences that stole parts of my faith in the world and in myself...
A big reason comes to mind, though. It's the innocence we all lose as part of growing up.
Some people define innocence as not having committed any faults; being blameless. Others define it as not knowing evils of the world; being pure-hearted and maybe a little naive. Although I find myself gravitating towards the second definition, I sure know where the first argument is coming from. But having been indoctrinated since I was a little child that shutting out evil is the best way to avoid committing it, it's still hard for me to accept that evil thoughts are not a sin if they were aborted and not turned into sinful acts.

Innocence is an elusive value. Everyone has found out in their own way that once it's lost it can never be found again. Some still try to get it back, hopelessly so, even when all their desperate attempts fail miserably. While some still go out of their way to get rid of it, as if it was some kind of rookie marking that shows they weren't "experienced" enough.

I know whoever seeks innocence does so as a last refuge from guilt. I know guilt is a destructive feeling as I've seen its effect on so many people including myself. It eats away the heart and mind of the person experiencing it, leaving the remnant torn and in a helpless state. I know how a soul longs for liberation from the control of despair, and how the slightest glimpse of hope and acceptance shines so brightly like the light at the end of the tunnel. I know all that because I've seen it.
But I also know that look in the eyes of the old and wise, who know that all still tumble and get their innocence robes filthy. They know it's the course of all humanity, it's inevitable. They chuckle at the sight of a person still trying to save their image of the world and of their self unharmed, fighting the scarring and disturbing experiences they go through.
It's disheartening...

I have one last question: If losing innocence is the final destination, why take the long, hard way there?

Perfection Interrupted: Perfection vs. Individuality

I thought about writing this while having a conversation with my English teacher. I'm mere days away from starting my high school finals, which will eventually determine the university I'll go to. My teacher said that my dilemma of losing marks and half-marks, which eventually lead to a series of A-'s and B's is mainly because of creativity. Now, I'm not creative as in writing down stuff that does not have anything to do with what I'm being taught, nor was he saying this as a way of reprimanding me. I just figured that I try -sometimes subconsciously- to make it obvious I did something. I have to leave a mark on whatever I'm doing. I am individualistic.
This is a challenge in the "one size fits all" system of life I live in, especially when trying so hard to be "perfect."
Being perfect doesn't always mean being the best, but "perfect" does imply that to people sometimes. I struggle to meet the expectations of people around me when I'm not so sure what they expect from me. This is why I long for perfection. Because we all know that the superlative of anything is the clearest form of said thing. I try to be the superlative, and when I fall short, I feel like a failure.
Back to individuality, aka uniqueness or just being different. I don't like being like someone else, none of us does actually. Even the most conventional thinkers try to have a signature way of showing it. God created us in a way that it's impossible for two people to be alike, regardless of how similar they are, they cannot be identical by nature. We, on the other hand, set up standards and molds and labels to put on people so that their uniqueness doesn't bother us. And some submit to the box they've been given to live inside. Personally, I have been trying so hard to fit in the very narrow box of "perfect" for most of my life. I have only recently realized that I'll have no personality of my own if I kept trying to squeeze every last bit of my creativity and individuality into that box.
See, the pattern from the beginning of time till say the 1970s had been to just conform to the standards and be like everybody else. Be different and brace yourself for being called a witch, a clown, a traitor, an idiot, stupid, pointless or helpless. Refer to history for confirmation.
Artists, thinkers, poets and musicians have been outcasts for affirming individuality. Even now, in the age of "freedom of expression" where everyone with a good camera phone is a photographer, and every idiot with a blog is a writer, and every guy with a guitar is a musician, real artists are still outcasts, because their voice is not auto-tuned, because their articles have spelling mistakes, because their paintings are not easy to understand, because their art is not "perfect."
Alas, we ruined both perfection and individuality.
I don't even know whether it is possible for longing for perfection and individuality to reconcile anyway.
Oh, well.

Never Too Young

Maturity has an age. Knowing God has an age. Spontaneity has an age. Oblivion has an age. Screwing up has an age. Wisdom has an age. Believing has an age.

So everything is age restricted. We have set up a system where by a definite age you should have certain characters or behave in a certain manner, or even look a certain way.
Never color outside those lines, or else you'd be socially unacceptable.
Just stick with what everybody else your age is doing and you'll be fine.
That's not age appropriate, you shouldn't (fill in the blank: speak, dress, act, feel) that way!
Stop acting like a little kid!
Why are you talking like you're 50?! Just act your age!

I get the fact that we grow up. I also get the fact that it's a pace-controlled process, not everyone "gets it" at the same age. But why is it that we don't perceive those differences in pace closely, that we might actually find flaws in our system? I'll break it down to you...we do.
It's quite impossible that I'd be the only one ever having difficulty in seeing why I am different.
If there's one thing I know, it's that everyone needs to break out from their age range once in a while.
There's gotta be a time when you feel like acting like a kid again. Or if you're a kid, you feel like handling one of life's serious questions. Only to find yourself getting laughed at in both cases.
I can't even count how many times I've seen someone my age speaking with maturity about a spiritual or social matter without hearing comments on how young they are. Sometimes these comments are meant to ridicule their opinions, sometimes they just marvel at their "untimely" wisdom.
I understand that life gives you experience. But living life yourself is not the only way to get it.
Reading, reflecting, listening, feeling and simply paying attention to life can grant you "wisdom beyond your years."
Some people live for years and still be immature, naive, inexperienced and oblivious. While others can attain maturity, spirituality and wisdom at a very young age. Both groups live life, but some make the most of it, while others let it pass by.
So, waiting to be a certain age to seek the truth, God and knowledge of your inner self is fine. Just you know that you could die now without seeing a side in life that you missed on purpose.
I'm definitely not saying you should try and act older than you are. I'm saying that with seeing the beauty of the present moment and age you're living, try and take a glimpse of life, experience  the thrill of unraveling truth.
Don't wait till you're an old person to reflect upon life. Do it now.

Pompton Lakes (THE band!)

Okay guys, I'm so very excited to be writing about those guys! It's been quite some time since my last "musical" post. But I guarantee you this band will make your day a lot better once you have a listen to their stuff, talk about the real deal! 

Their style/genre as self-proclaimed is "Safe Rock", and I guess it's fitting. The laid back feel to their music is very relaxing yet very uplifting. And their lead vocalist, Jeff Martin, has a flexible, mellow, beautiful voice.Their songs are more of an experience than just "songs". They average at 4 minutes long, yet you'll feel so absorbed into the music that they'll feel longer. 

Put your headphones on. Lie on your bed in the dark. Listen to Pompton Lakes. 

They released their début album "Rest" in October last year, it's a mix of songs that meld very well together. They are a band of Christian members, so their lyrics are mostly faith-based. They don't preach and aren't saying the same old same old. They're innovative in their sound, so I'm pretty sure whether you're an occasional listener or an experienced musician, you'll hear something you'll like :)

So, here are some examples of why they're a great band:



1- Music video for the opening track "Home":
A great song, with a nicely made music video of a hipster-ish feel, enjoy!

Lyrics:

Lately I've tried to find home

In places where I know it can't be found

I looked at You 'cause where else can I go?

Apart from You I'm truly on my own

I lost this one, but still have victory

Your arms are open, You set me free

You gave me breath, now I need faith

I pray that You would help me keep my path straight

I looked at You 'cause where else can I go?

Apart from You I'm truly on my own

I lost this one, but still have victory

Your arms are open, You set me free

Running back home, running back home, to You

I've been in the dark but now I see light, peeking through

I lost this one, but still have victory

Your arms are open, You set me free

(running back home, running back home)

I lost this one, but still have victory

Your arms are open, Your love has set me free

Your arms wide open, Your love has set me free

 2- Rest:
Words cannot describe how much I love this song, nor how beautiful it really is. Click the play button on the widget below to listen.

Rest by pomptonlakes

Lyrics:
Find rest, oh my soul, in Christ alone

When you walk through the waters
I am there, there with you
And when you pass through the rivers
They will not sweep over you

In quietness and trust
You will find love

When you walk through the fire
You will not, not be burned
On days when you feel like you’re on your own
You’re not alone, not alone


In quietness and trust
You will find love

Find Rest, oh my soul
In Christ alone

Side note: if you're hearing sleigh bells in this non-Christmas song, and you think you've lost it. You didn't, I was a bit surprised too. It's done so tastefully that it's just the perfect addition to this song. Kudos for the PL guys for pulling this one off!
3- Pride: 
This one is a favorite of mine, listen below!



Lyrics:
I’ve spent enough time in my Pride
Now I’m trying to get out
Trying to get out
I want to be Your hands and feet
But I’m caught in between
I’m caught in between

I’ve run far enough from You
And I’ve wrestled with the truth
I’ve wrestled with the truth
But when I look up toward the stars
So clearly there You are
So clearly there You are

You make a way
Where I thought there was no way



4- Merciful:
Another beautiful song on this album...

Lyrics:
I come to You today
I know it’s been sometime
Well it seems like I’ve been running for
Most of my young life
As if I get too close
That I might prove You right…

That You’re good
And You are Merciful

And if you need some time
I would understand
Who am I to think You’d come running
Now that I am back
What if I get close
And You don’t prove me right



Special thanks to: Jeff Martin, the lead singer of Pompton Lakes, for providing me with the lyrics to Rest, Pride and Merciful...and for being super humble!
Also to: the folks at Blimey Cow for introducing this amazing band to us, mere mortals.

I hope you enjoyed the great music and please, check out this band, you won't regret it!!

Pompton Lakes:
On Facebook 
On Twitter
Official website
 
"Rest":
On iTunes
On Spotify 

Merry Christmas!

Alright, it's not really Christmas Eve for me. My Coptic Orthodox Christian Christmas is actually on Jan. 7th. So, I will just be nice and go along with this.
Christmas, what a wonderful season it is. It marks the whole winter with its characteristic symbols. You just can't help but picture winter with all the pretty lights, red and green, Christmas tree theme going on. At least I can't. But I've come to realize my expectations are getting lower by the day. I no longer get so excited for the holidays as I did when I was a little kid. The pure joy I got from rain, frosty weather and family gatherings is no more. I'm not saying I am depressed or unhappy or whatever, I'm not. It's just that days take away the excitement I used to experience as a kid with the holidays approaching. They were such a big deal for me, and now I'm completely indifferent.
However, as I fail to be so very "festive" I try to focus on what matters to me most this season, God. Last year my prayer was to stop being so materialistic and to think of what truly matters which is Jesus' birth . I can say it came through. My thoughts cling to Him more than anything now. Even the silly Mayan 2012 prophecy brought me closer to Him, and for this I am grateful.

Music I am listening to now:
Here's the first, a song by "tenth avenue north". I see it as a prayer to stop clinging to "All The Pretty Things" and put our lives in God's hands. It's perfect when all that's on our minds is gifts and food and clothes and such. It always lifts my sight to the sky, to heaven where I belong :)

All The Pretty Things by tenth avenue north:

Lyrics:
We are, we are, we're caught in the in between
Of who we already are and who we are yet to be
And we're looking for love but finding we're still in need
It's only what we have lost will we be allowed to keep

And we're waiting but our eyes are wandering
To all this earth holds dear

Look at all the pretty things
That steal my heart away
I can feel I'm fading
'Cause Lord I love so many things
That keep me from Your face
Come and save me

We run we run to finally be set free
But we're fighting for what we've already received

So we're waiting but our eyes are wandering
To all this earth holds dear

Look at all the pretty things
That steal my heart away
I can feel I'm fading
'Cause Lord I love so many things
That keep me from Your face
Come and save me

We are we are caught in the in between
But we're fighting for what we already have received
We are we are caught in the in between
But we're fighting for what we already have received

Look at all the pretty things
That steal my heart away
I can feel I'm fading
'Cause Lord I love so many things
That keep me from Your face
Come and save me 

Yup, pretty powerful song, It's not gifts that are important this time of the year, it's JESUS' birth!

What echoes this sentiment is another song by a quite surprising artist, Taylor Swift. She wrote a song called "Christmas Must Be Something More" which I really like as it captures the whole idea. Here it is.

Christmas Must Be Something More by Taylor Swift:

Lyrics:
What if ribbons and bows didn't mean a thing
Would the song still survive without 5 golden rings
Would you still wanna kiss without mistletoe
What would happen if God never let it snow
What would happen if Christmas Carols told a lie
Tell me what you would find

You'd say that today holds something special
Something holy and not superficial
So here's to the birthday boy who saved our lives
It's something we all try to ignore
And put a wreath up on your door
So here's something you should know that is for sure
Christmas must be something more

What if angels did not pay attention to
All the things that we wish they would always do
What if happiness came in a cardboard box
Then I'd think there was something we all forgot
What would happen if presents all went away
Tell me what would you find

You'd say that today holds something special
Something holy and not superficial
So here's to the birthday boy who saved our lives
It's something we all try to ignore
And put a wreath up on your door
So here's something you should know that is for sure
Christmas must be something more

We get so caught up in all of it
Business and relationships
100 mile an hour lives
And it's this time of year
And everybody's here
It seems the last thing on your mind

Is that today holds something special
Something holy and not superficial
So here's to Jesus Christ  who saved our lives
It's something we all try to ignore
And put a wreath up on your door
So here's something you should know that is for sure
Christmas must be something (x2)
Christmas must be something more
There's gotta be more








I promise to try to be more Christmas-y the next time I'm posting. 
Merry Christmas! :)

Love, Really?!

What kind of world makes us believe that every princess will be loved, and what if it's not true?
And language speaks poetry in the face of something so dangerous, what is it in these words that mystifies you?
When do these thoughts start swimming in my mind and set my heart to flood, and why does my temperature keep rising? -  Dan Haseltine, The Hawk In Paris

 

Disregarding that the pic on this video is not of the artist, I shall commence my interpretation of why I chose this verse of this particular song to start off ,and what are the circumstances that made it pop into my head in the first place.

Where I live Valentine's day is celebrated twice a year. For some reason in November 4, and the international/ western day of February 14. So it's pretty obvious why I'm writing about this now. I searched Wikipedia for Valentine's Day to find out why there's a conflict or duplication of the celebration date. And since I've practically found nothing, I just kept on reading. I came across two words that stirred some thought or should I say curiosity, the first being "Courtly Love" (not Courtney Love, people!). This one is defined mostly as a relationship where the man sees his lady love interest as superior to him, so he tries to win her affection by doing acts of chivalry, nobility and expressing his non-sexual attraction to her, mostly praising her mind and soul. 

The second is "Platonic Love", that is any relationship based on chaste (non-sexual) love and admiration, be it among two men, two women or a man and a woman. It was named after Plato, who first defined it as a superior emotion to any other, he even named it Divine Eros (divine love) as the opposite to vulgar, earthly, materialistic love. And it was considered by later, 15th century European, Christian philosophers as a state where the people having these emotions use them to draw themselves closer to the ultimate good, that is God. Both of these forms have been expressed heavily in works of literature, mainly poetry.

Wow! That's some thinking. I wonder how far the mankind has drifted away from thinking this way. I wonder why the concepts of love and sexuality have been so mixed and messed up together that it's hard for anyone to picture the former without the latter being involved. Yes, love can exist solely without the help of any other emotion as a source of motivation. Or at least that's what I'd like to think. I think that modern day Earth is a place where personal desires are over-rated. It's saddening actually to regard something so beautiful as a co-dependent thing, or more terribly, dismissing the idea of its existence in the first place!

Love is the greatest gift ever given to Earth by its creator. He made us capable of loving so that we wouldn't drown in an endless hole of self-concern, leading to self-destruction. It made us able to protect who/ what we love and even bother to care for them when needed. It is beautiful, divine, special and should be more common. This ought to bring a lot more peace and serenity to this war-torn, plagued and shattered place we call home.

P.s. I might have been under the influence of lemon tea and a terrible sore throat infection while writing this. So, yeah...

Caught inside a stereotype?!

Being a girl is tough. I can go on all day about sexism and gender inequality, but what would I be adding to a debate as old as time?! I'll just talk about a side of it that I see girls my age suffer from. What is it? Well, it's the "YOU GIRL, YOU DO ONE THING WELL, ONE THING ONLY" type.
YES, I do get the frequent stares and hums when I raise my hands in class and answer a question correctly. Yes, people don't get over the fact that although I take care of how I look I can still be a good student. And what surprises me most is that these people might be other girls my age who don't get the whole picture. As if to be actually good at something, you'll have to sacrifice every other aspect of your life. Like being smart or good at school, you'll have to be that nerdy girl who is socially awkward and doesn't know how to make human contact. Or being fashion forward and popular, you'll have to be a total loss at school or a mirror hugging snob. You get one label, and you have to live with it!!
See, people feel more comfortable when they classify other people into "types", it makes it easier for their brains to process them. Before I hit 13, I was that geeky, socially awkward kid, who was probably thought of as a boy with a braid. My mom often told me that girls don't have to be pretty. If you're not pretty, that's because you're smarter than other girls who fitted more within their surrounding. I had little to no contact with mirrors up till I turned 10 or so. It was then that I realized why my mom kept telling me I was special, and why I was being teased and bullied at school by boys and girls alike. I was an ugly kid, but I've never even knew it. Being top of my class for the whole elementary school period made me think that smart is what a girl should be, nothing else, just smart. It was a deformed image of perfection I had of myself. I even laughed at the other girls who hit puberty before me and started to get crushes on boys, so they would tidy up their hair and put a smile on their make-up-less faces when the tween boys were around. Those were the boys that considered me their friend who would help them with their homework, why would I even care how I looked in front of them?!! Princess tales seldom entered our house, I was never told to expect a prince outside my doorstep. I wasn't the one checking the comic page in our weekly newspaper as much as the world affairs and economics page...at 2nd grade!

The ironic thing about this is that the turning point was caused by something ridiculous! We had just moved into a new apartment in a much nicer neighborhood, it had this large mirror decoration in the living room. An entire wall was a mirror. I couldn't help but see my face whenever I went around the house. It was right there, and I didn't like it.
Also cable TV, my first interaction with the world of Disney princesses, pop stars and fashion shows. I started comparing, why wasn't I as glamorous as these actresses, with their touched up hair, awesome clothes and sassy attitudes. Yeah right, I'm the "smart girl". Smart isn't supposed to be pretty! I should be forever confined to that image of the nerdy kid in sneakers and a sweater vest. Now I know why mom used to tell me not all girls are supposed to be pretty, that's simply because I wasn't. Her way of preventing me from being shocked by the reality that I'll never be as good-looking as other girls is that I'm smarter! Okay then, but I didn't choose to be smart, I'd rather be pretty, sociable or funny. I hated it, and started going in the opposite direction. I'd spend extensive hours fixing my frizzy hair into cooler, early 2000's curly styles. I'd save up my allowance to get a new piece of clothing or some accessories. I'd listen to music and get some other girls to listen to it just to have some "friends" with something to talk about. I didn't study, I subconsciously rejected what I had been for what I wanted to become. A girl.

Sometime then, I realized that the image I had of myself and what I wanted to be is a messed-up one. I am not a grotesque creature who doesn't belong to the female gender of the human race, nor do I want to become a TV star or a supermodel. I didn't have to reject what God has gifted me with in order to be popular or accepted. I didn't need to run after an image that doesn't represent who I am.
I look very different now, the shift took a while to happen . I'd be lying if I said that I had ever dreamed of looking so "girl like"! If you had met me at 12, you'll know what I mean ;)

I like to dress up, wear make-up, have friends and get straight A's. It confuses people who like to put labels on other people, it also disappoints some teachers who might think I'm a sell-out for promoting the "non-Marie Curie/ Rosalind Franklin" image of a smart girl. But I admit my life has become much better once I realized I don't have to sacrifice part of my being for another one. I just pray it stays that way!

Smart Barbie