The Chosen and The Damned

I'd be lying if I said I never wondered on what basis God judges a person as good or bad. I've had these thoughts since I was a kid when I was told that being certain things was good, while doing things or associating with certain people was bad. I tried to maintain those guidelines while growing up, looking at things purely from black and white vision goggles. It was easy, relatively. I just had to hold to some criteria that I thought were objective and fair, but that was as far as my child brain could take me.

But growing up, to me, was discovering that life has a wide array of grey-scale shades. And these shades often get tinted by a certain color representing where you stand on the spectrum. I learned that my idea of right and wrong is different from my sister's, and we grew up in the same house raised by the same parents! I'd be lying to say that it was easy, because I remember at a point in my life I was being constantly shocked by what other people viewed as true, right, good and fair. Let's just say it was a bumpy road...

Part of the teachings children receive, especially in religious backgrounds, is knowing which people belong where when it comes to the afterlife. We're taught that certain people who do a,b and c belong to heaven, while some others who don't, and maybe have 1,2 and 3 as their set values, they belong to hell. The first pile, The Chosen, often include people like ourselves and our parents. They're the familiar, the similar, the congruent to our codes of morality. While the "other," they're The Damned. Those classifications are often termed "moral tribes."

Setting apart moral tribes starts to take place by associating with only the people who fit our definitions of good. But like any other tribal behaviors, it ends by eliminating and alienating those who don't. A bit further down the road, the tribe starts having a more specific list of "admission prerequisites,"  which means that its circle shrinks and starts to exclude more people. And to ensure the survival and propagation of its values and morals, it starts to fight other tribes.

This means that fighting only happens when a tribe feels threatened by the presence of another option, or by the lack of enough followers. It happens when the "other" is viewed as the enemy who could possibly destroy our own tribal values, or at least when vanquishing the "other" is seen as a sign of strength that could attract a bigger number to join the victor tribe.

It's obviously primal thinking, using primal strategies. To fail at belonging to a community, having certain values and beliefs, while simultaneously being able to view the "other" as a human being with as much value on their life, as many rights as you possess, and as big of a possibility to be a good human being. This is all childish clinging to the black and white vision goggles.

But you know, sometimes those goggles don't work.

Friends or allies?

So I've seen this pic on my news feed several times now and I have a little rebuttal for the argument presented and the very "matter-of-factly" way it's presented in.

Friendship is a voluntary relationship. No one forces anyone to have friends or hang out with completely unrelated people to him just to make this person's day worse...just for the hell of it. We choose our friends, and suppose we do it in a healthy manner, we choose them based on common interests and fields of enjoyment. We choose them to make our days pass by a little better and to share with them our crazy antics and passions. We have so much to talk to them about, and what we talk about is completely unnecessarily related to our separate social lives. We talk sports, music, literature, long walks, health, philosophy...etc. with the occasional banter about current events and/or work and life troubles.

Friendship is optional. You don't have to call a person a friend if you two don't have anything in common. You can resort to acquaintance/colleague to rightfully label a person you don't choose to accompany willingfully. It's totally okay to have this as a circle in your life as a mature adult. You no longer play with the kids in the play ground and call them all your besties the next moment. There are boundaries and correct labels to be used.

However, and this is my main conflict with the picture, you can't really complain about a friend wanting to contact you daily, nor is it possible that you call someone a "friend" and be bothered by their wanting to chat up for a few minutes every other day. Of course we all have the "leave me alone" days in which we feel rather inclined to being solitary, but wanting to be alone and away from people you call your friends is quite an unhealthy sign if you ask me.

Second point in the picture is "if you need me I'll be there," well, it goes in line with the old saying we always hear: "A friend in need is a friend indeed." I want to say that's just not what friendship is for.
Friendship is a mutually enriching experience, it's not "I'm here for you today so you should be there for me tomorrow." It's not a who-repays-whom game. It's not a collection of tough moments in which you had a friend help you or you helped a friend. In fact, people who view friendships this way might suffer such lousy time with their "friends" when nothing crucial (whether good or bad) is happening. A sad sight indeed.
I'll leave the always articulate C. S. Lewis explain this better from his book "The Four Loves." 

" Others again would say that Friendship is extremely useful, perhaps necessary for survival, to the individual. They could produce plenty of authority: "bare is back without brother behind it" and "there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother". But when we speak thus we are using friend to mean "ally". In ordinary usage friend means, or should mean, more than that. A Friend will, to be sure, prove himself to be also an ally when alliance becomes necessary; will lend or give when we are in need, nurse us in sickness, stand up for us among our enemies, do what he can for our widows and orphans. But such good offices are not the stuff of Friendship. The occasions for them are almost interruptions. They are in one way relevant to it, in another not. Relevant, because you would be a false friend if you would not do them when the need arose; irrelevant, because the role of benefactor always remains accidental, even a little alien, to that of Friend. It is almost embarrassing. For Friendship is utterly free from Affection's need to be needed. We are sorry that any gift or loan or night-watching should have been necessary - and now, for heaven's sake, let us forget all about it and go back to the things we really want to do or talk of together. Even gratitude is no enrichment to this love. The stereotyped "Don't mention it" here expresses what we really feel. The mark of perfect Friendship is not that help will be given when the pinch comes (of course it will) but that, having been given, it makes no difference at all. It was a distraction, an anomaly. It was a horrible waste of the time, always too short, that we had together. Perhaps we had only a couple of hours in which to talk and, God bless us, twenty minutes of it has had to be devoted to affairs."

- C. S. Lewis, The Four Loves

L

Twenty (Collective Thoughts from Birthday Week)

Okay, so here it goes...
I turned 20 exactly a week ago. I don't really know how I feel about it, but the immense love I received from so many people (both close to me and just acquaintances) was more than enough to make me feel blessed throughout the whole day. So here's a long due "Thank you!" to everyone who took the time and effort to wish this girl a happy start after a second decade done.

I got into a messy argument with a friend that night. It was not how I imagined my twenties to start, but God only knows what good intentions were put into my actions.
This is all I'm saying about the cause of the state of shock that took over me for the better part of the three days that followed.

I couldn't stay there. I needed to pull my act together both for college, and for a moment I awaited a long long time, the closing ceremony of a civil society project I'd been working on since last July.

When that moment came along, I was very proud of the work my team and I put into the project, and the incredible outcome that I saw in the eyes of everyone, whether staff or participants. Each "thank you" I received reminded me of how much of a privilege it is to be able to help people reach a better understanding of their potentials. And of the impact that the experience, and each and every one I worked with has left in me.

I took a leap of faith to do somethong I always wanted to do, which is sing alone in English in front of a large group of people. I have performed alone before through acting, and I'm already a member of a choir group in my church, but this experience is completely different. I know I don't have the nicest, strongest voice out there, but I also know that a deeply felt song is almost always well-received.
So, I picked "Fix You" by Coldplay. It's a song I truly love. It holds dear memories to me and it's somewhat popular. And I got up there on the stage of the Great Hall in the Bibliotheca Alexandrina, in front of over a thousand people, and sang it.
I wouldn't lie and say I was afraid, because I wasn't. But having tried that feeling is still a big experience for me. I enjoyed that moment despite all the background noise in my head that had my feelings blurred and distorted for the previous few days. I had fun.

So, to wrap it all up, I need to work on my ability to properly react on time. I remember vividly how each situation leaves me feeling, but I need to allow these feelings to show up like they used to.

December 28th, 2013

So long 2013, you've been a good  year!

Not saying this in terms of the number of events which left me triumphant or downright happy. You've been a good year for learning, growing up and seeing things more realistically.

Since the very beginning I've known you'd be special. I had this intuition that I won't be the same person or have the same experiences after you've passed. I mean, graduating high school is no small matter. But let's face it, you had much more in store for me than that!

You broke me…several times and through small intervals of time. Did it hurt? Heck yeah. Do I regret anything that lead to this breakage? Not even a bit.

And even though I don't like feeling "schooled", I love learning new life lessons. And you, 2013, offered more than I could ever ask for.  You taught me that, in various ways, I'm still a kid and should seek the guidance and advice of the more experienced. You taught me that I ought not to believe every word of praise I receive, and listen carefully for criticism coming from trusted sources. You showed me that even if I drift apart from people there's always a chance for reconciliation, and that the closest of friends could turn to perfect strangers and vice versa in no time.

You taught me that I shouldn't expect much from people; they were not created to please me and make my every wish come true. You taught me to be patient and not to rush change or improvement, like a fine wine needs aging, everything takes time to get better. You also taught me not to wait for what I want to magically find its way to me, but to go out there and actively pursue it hoping for the best. You showed me in so many ways that there's always something new to learn, and that I should never rely on my knowledge as "enough".

Last but not least, you proved to me that God is always gracious, loving, just, able and good to me. That I should trust Him with my life, my heart, my mind, and more importantly my soul. He still wants me to be close to Him even if I try to pull myself away. And for this, I'm more thankful than for anything else.

Judgement

Yeah, yeah, yeah...you've heard it all and read it all about how unfair the world is when it comes to judging others, how wronged you feel you have been by people around you who just don't understand. I for one have always felt the prey when it comes to the judgement game, while in fact I was judging others when I didn't have the right to. I felt superior to the people I didn't give grace to, like I would NEVER do what I judged them on terms of, as if I was the only infallible human being there has ever existed. It kind of substituted for the lack of righteousness I suffer from, so when I picked others' faults and failings I would automatically feel better than them. I shouldn't have done that. I should have given excuses to the people who needed them instead of picking out what's wrong with them. But I know now how wrong I was to block grace out of my everyday encounters with people, that I should look to God asking for forgiveness only after I have forgiven those who wronged me...it takes tons of effort, but I'm praying for strength and perseverance to do that.

Turning Away

It's been a long while since I last posted on here, the truth is that my mind was completely in a block. I wanted to post, but had no idea what to write. But I was just thinking about this thing 2 days ago, and I felt the need to share it...
The thing is that I noticed this pattern I go through when I'm "in love." Not necessarily with someone, but even when I'm in love with something. When it comes to things, I like to call them a temporary obsession of mine, because I know this "love" will fade away quite fast. The real problem is when it comes to a person, a real person.
You can't develop an interest in a person, let them consume your thoughts and energy, hang by a word they say, feel a deep affection for what they are and what they represent to you, just to find yourself suddenly repulsed by them. It happened to me, it still happens to me. It's like at a moment your whole life revolves around someone, but after a few months, you feel like you never even wanted to know them!
I realize that people are not paper towels. I can't just use one and dispose of them after I'm done. I also realize that there's something seriously wrong with me. Of course, those people are not saints who never do me wrong or hurt me or push me away, but neither am I. I can't just develop deep emotions this fast to just throw them to the wind the minute I'm not comfortable anymore.
I also realized that I can't blame people for what I do to them. For example: I stop calling a certain friend for 5 weeks, but then I feel this sudden storm of rage pounding on my mind saying this isn't a real friend for not calling me that long. I tried to medicate this by revealing what I was thinking to said friend. the answer I got was nothing but sensible, he said: "I was thinking the same thing, I was just waiting for you to go on and call first." Shoot! That was awkward, and even if he were lying, and he didn't really care (which isn't true, I checked later) it was still, equally, my fault.

I came to know a part of my being is still a little kid. And I do not mean this in a good way!
Remember when you kept nagging your parents for that toy at the store or in the commercials that you wanted so bad. You said your happiness depended on it. They listened and got you the toy...
But then what?! Another commercial aired, you felt like your happiness depended on The New Toy (I capitalized on purpose). So?!
See, this is a never ending loop, it just goes on and on and on. I think I need serious help with commitment, patience, tolerance, trust and other issues that I'm really struggling with right now.
I'm praying for now. I just got tired of being like this. Unless you suffer from the same problem, you'll never know what it feels like to pour your heart so into something/ someone, then just get bored, of everything and everyone. I go on and find new people and new things, to just repeat the cycle again.
I figured for some time that not caring too much will be the answer, turns out I wasn't caring enough. I hurt people I loved and cared about, and still care about. I got hurt a lot from what I'm doing. It wasn't quite the right answer...
I just wish I could know what causes me to turn away, is it people/ things changing? is it knowing too much about them? Is it the fact that I realize I gave them undeserved attention? Is it a means of twisted self discipline?
I'm not even sure I made sense in this post, I just needed to get this off my chest...
If you believe in prayers, pray for me, please!

Love, Really?!

What kind of world makes us believe that every princess will be loved, and what if it's not true?
And language speaks poetry in the face of something so dangerous, what is it in these words that mystifies you?
When do these thoughts start swimming in my mind and set my heart to flood, and why does my temperature keep rising? -  Dan Haseltine, The Hawk In Paris

 

Disregarding that the pic on this video is not of the artist, I shall commence my interpretation of why I chose this verse of this particular song to start off ,and what are the circumstances that made it pop into my head in the first place.

Where I live Valentine's day is celebrated twice a year. For some reason in November 4, and the international/ western day of February 14. So it's pretty obvious why I'm writing about this now. I searched Wikipedia for Valentine's Day to find out why there's a conflict or duplication of the celebration date. And since I've practically found nothing, I just kept on reading. I came across two words that stirred some thought or should I say curiosity, the first being "Courtly Love" (not Courtney Love, people!). This one is defined mostly as a relationship where the man sees his lady love interest as superior to him, so he tries to win her affection by doing acts of chivalry, nobility and expressing his non-sexual attraction to her, mostly praising her mind and soul. 

The second is "Platonic Love", that is any relationship based on chaste (non-sexual) love and admiration, be it among two men, two women or a man and a woman. It was named after Plato, who first defined it as a superior emotion to any other, he even named it Divine Eros (divine love) as the opposite to vulgar, earthly, materialistic love. And it was considered by later, 15th century European, Christian philosophers as a state where the people having these emotions use them to draw themselves closer to the ultimate good, that is God. Both of these forms have been expressed heavily in works of literature, mainly poetry.

Wow! That's some thinking. I wonder how far the mankind has drifted away from thinking this way. I wonder why the concepts of love and sexuality have been so mixed and messed up together that it's hard for anyone to picture the former without the latter being involved. Yes, love can exist solely without the help of any other emotion as a source of motivation. Or at least that's what I'd like to think. I think that modern day Earth is a place where personal desires are over-rated. It's saddening actually to regard something so beautiful as a co-dependent thing, or more terribly, dismissing the idea of its existence in the first place!

Love is the greatest gift ever given to Earth by its creator. He made us capable of loving so that we wouldn't drown in an endless hole of self-concern, leading to self-destruction. It made us able to protect who/ what we love and even bother to care for them when needed. It is beautiful, divine, special and should be more common. This ought to bring a lot more peace and serenity to this war-torn, plagued and shattered place we call home.

P.s. I might have been under the influence of lemon tea and a terrible sore throat infection while writing this. So, yeah...

Mood Swings

I admit it, I've been acting like a total 4 year-old this week. The week began terribly with having to spend a whole day outside. I hate the outdoors!! It was pure torture for me. But then it was finding out the results of two quizzes I had taken the week before. Oh God, did I mess up! I was appalled, mostly of myself, I didn't even think I could do this bad. I was a complete wreck by Tuesday.
I have no idea what happened, but suddenly it all went better. Like when you give some candy to the aforementioned 4 year-old after crying hysterically. It probably has something to do with a pep talk given to me by a friend, I was like: "That's it, I'm done"...but then she was like: "Get up on your feet and just don't give a crap about it!" I NEEDED this!
The next day I had yet another quiz, physics this time. I felt pretty terrible before it, but after it was done...well, it was done anyway.
And I hit rock bottom again. A person with whom I've been friends for some time posted on facebook what implies that they just don't care anymore, about anything or anyone (pretty sure it's me at this case). I was angry, for I've been trying to reach out to this person while they just don't. I never wanted it to be like this, it hurts just to talk about it
 Since I decided not to give a crap about anything either, I tried to get my mind off of it. Let me tell you, listening to Gangnam Style by Psy does help, I was just laughing my butt off like an idiot :D
The soundtrack to the week is VERY diverse, ranging from slow, moody, melancholic songs, to upbeat, energetic pop. I'm the kind of girl who listens to Jars Of Clay and Taylor Swift, and I don't think I'd want to change that :))
So, here are the songs that stuck with me. They're on the two sides of the spectrum, but to me they're all good music.

P.s. to listen to any of the songs just click on the play button under the title :)

1. Headphones by Jars Of Clay:

Lyrics:
I don't have to hear it, if I don't want to
I can drown this out, pull the curtains down on you
It's a heavy world, it's too much for me to care
If I close my eyes, it's not there

With my headphones on, with my headphones on
With my headphones on, with my headphones on

We watch television...but the sound is something else
Just a song played against the drama, so the hurt is never felt
I take in the war-fires, and I'm chilled by the current events
It's so hopeless, but there's a pop song in my

Headphones on, in my headphones on
With my headphones on, with my headphones on

At the Tube Stop, you sit down across from me
(I can see you looking back at me)
I think I know you
By the sad eyes that I see
I want to tell you (It's a heavy world)
Everything will be okay
You wouldn't hear it (I don't want to have to hear it)
So we go our separate ways...

With our headphones on, with our headphones on
With our headphones on, with our headphones on
I don't wanna be the one who tries to figure it out
I don't need another reason I should care about you
You don't want to know my story
You don't want to own my pain
Living in a heavy, heavy world
And there's a pop song in my head
I don't want to have to hear it

2. Scenic Route also by Jars Of Clay:

Lyrics:
Don't turn your back on me
Or read in between my words
I'm trying to drag this out
Taking the scenic route

I know we could get there much faster if we wanted to
But that isn't what you and I came here to do

No nails to untie the knots
No veins left to take the shots
No touch to end a fight
Or letting who's wrong be right

We're just sitting like novels we've picked up but never read through
You think you know my ending, I think I know yours, too
You see, nowhere in these old conversations is there anything new

Even though we know the sun will rise
Every ray of light still takes us by, by surprise

Baby, leave it all behind
Baby, leave it all behind
Missed a road sign
I don't want to get home soon
Drive the car all the way around the moon
Baby, we could get lost
We have another state to cross
We could find each other out
Tell our secrets on the scenic route
I don't want to get home soon
Drive the car around the moon
I don't want to crush you or rush you
I'm not going faster if you want to and if you want to
I don't want to rush you or crush you
But I won't go faster if you want to
It's not what we came here to do
I just want to drive
I just want to drive
  
3. Red by Taylor Swift:
 

Lyrics:
Loving him is like driving a new Maserati down a dead end street
Faster than the wind, passionate as sin, ending so suddenly
Loving him is like trying to change your mind once you’re already flying through the free fall
Like the colors in autumn, so bright, just before they lose it all

Losing him was blue, like I’ve never known
Missing him was dark grey, all alone
Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met
But loving him was red
Loving him was red

Touching him was like realizing all you ever wanted was right there in front of you
Memorizing him was as easy as knowing all the words to your old favorite song
Fighting with him was like trying to solve a crossword and realizing there’s no right answer
Regretting him was like wishing you’d never found out that love could be that strong

Losing him was blue, like I’ve never known
Missing him was dark grey, all alone
Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met
But loving him was red

Oh, red
Burning red

Remembering him comes in flashbacks, in echoes
Tell myself it’s time now, gotta let go
But moving on from him is impossible when I still see it all in my head
Burning red
Loving him was red

Oh, losing him was blue, like I’ve never known
Missing him was dark grey, all alone
Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met
‘Cause loving him was red
Yeah, yeah red
Burning red

And that’s why he’s spinning round in my head
Comes back to me, burning red
Yeah, yeah
His love was like driving a new Maserati down a dead end street

That's it peeps, the stuff I needed to blurt out. I shall go back to being buried alive in books, praying it would all pay off in the end.

Peace, Love and Longing for Perfection :) 

Change

A lot has been happening to me recently, especially in the last couple of years. practically nothing I'd known about myself or about the people around me stayed the same. the way people treat me and the way I treat them back, my attitude towards certain subjects, my taste in music, even my appearance has changed. it's just a bit confusing to me, how can ALOT change in such a small period of time, is it even possible? or am I delusional? I have no idea.
I started thinking about this in the light of a friendship that started in summer 2011, it was amazing how much me and this friend had in common...we'd talk for hours and hours and not get bored, our likes and dislikes were almost identical, I even remember one time we had taken a quiz and we got the same score, the funny thing is that we got the same question wrong choosing the very same wrong choice! connecting with this friend was something special, we helped each other get through lots of rough times and we always counted on each other to be there.
However, it didn't stay this way. we kind or started drifting apart, we'd go for almost two weeks without chatting on Facebook or even saying hi. the weird thing is that when asked, this friend says it's just being busy that's keeping us apart and that we'd go back to our "norm" if we got the chance. I just simply don't get it. they say that if people want you in their lives they'd walk the distance to find you amidst their everyday business. I fear that we don't do this anymore. part of the blame surely lies on me, the problem is that I have some sort of a repulsive force against people, even the people I love the most, I'd say something stupid or insensitive and than they're gone, or even not say anything at all, because sometimes it's the only reason one wants to leave; not getting enough attention. I tried to start conversations, but I guess if the other half is unwilling to talk it will be completely fruitless.
The thing I fear the most is that I might be over-analyzing things, and that this person wants to be my friend as much as I do, it's just hard for me to watch people walk away from my life one after the other while questioning the reasons why, and doubting that I could be the problem in the first place.
Here's a song that pops into my head every time I think about this,

The Chronicles of Narnia Soundtrack - 01 - Jars of Clay - Waiting For the World to Fall
Lyrics:
I'm afraid it's been too long to try to find the reasons why
I let my world close in around a smaller patch of fading sky
But now I've grown beyond the walls to where I've never been
And it's still winter in my wonderland

I'm waiting for the world to fall
I'm waiting for the scene to change
I'm waiting when the colors come
I'm waiting to let my world come undone

I close my eyes and try to see the world unbroken underneath
The farther off and already it just might make the life I lead
A little more than make-believe when all my skies are painted blue
And the clouds don't ever change the shape of who I am to You

I'm waiting for the world to fall
I'm waiting for the scene to change
I'm waiting when the colors come
I'm waiting to let my world come undone

When I catch the light of falling stars my view is changing me
My view is changing me