The 2016 Post

Happy New Year everyone!

Typically in posts like these, people write the things they learned in the past year, or list the things they resolve to achieve in the New Year. I’d like to pretend I’m super original and mix both in this following post.

The past two years held a lot of painful memories for me. They showed me that a “normal” healthy person could descend to the depths of hell in what looks like no time at all. I’ve known loss and loneliness all too well, and my emotions got so in control that my brain lost all its power to fight against this darkness. I felt trapped and angered by my entrapment, I felt like I couldn’t fight it for the life of me. The problem is that I isolated myself in the process, making myself all the more vulnerable to that vicious cycle of doom. It made sense in my faulty psyche that pretending I’m doing fine will ward off unwanted offers of help, or even discourage the advances of well-meaning people who would like to be part of my life. I wholeheartedly admit I was wrong. I was wrong and that adamancy delayed my recovery for what felt like ages.

I’m not a hundred percent whole now. I haven’t returned to my old self, whoever that was. But I can say I’m on the path of becoming a more self-aware person, without the deceptions that my anxious brain and shaken emotions fed me. It was a painful process; knowing so much about my own self that made me question everything I knew. My eyes were opened to the whole lot that can go wrong with one’s mind if they surrender to the chaos of it all. I got scared and I continue to get scared by the ugliness that surrounds me, but now I have the conviction that I can undo some of its damage done unto me and unto others.

I can’t say I’m completely past the vulnerability, but I believe with the help of people who truly and altruistically care about me, I’m moving forward. It’s one of those old, worn clichés, but it’s never shameful to ask for help. We’ve all stepped in those same old shoes, and it’s well-established wisdom now that nobody can make it on their own without severely damaging a side or another of their personality. (Please, know how valuable you are to ask for help from even the one person who shows you they care. You’re worth it.)

I think right now the best thing I can vow to myself is to try and care for myself well. I know anxiety and depression can kick in, and I know that some lies I have told myself might not dissipate that easily, but I also know that even the little faith I have in goodness from God and from others is worth something. I know that the worried tone in my mom’s voice, the warm hug from my dog, the annoying jokes my sister tells and the laugh of my dad when I say something funny can make me feel safe and loved. I know that my best friend and only trustworthy gossip-partner is the only reason I smile some days, and the two-hour long meet ups with my second closest friend give me revelations not even ten books provide. I also know that every time a friend cares enough to email me or text me is a reminder that that person cares enough to re-invite me into their life. I now know that we are each other’s anchors in the midst of all the madness.

I pray we all have a happier year, one with bigger and better chances to grow and become a little more helpful to ourselves and to others.

Thoughts in the early (morning)

I'm lying on a couch at 5:43 am. I've only been awake since 8 pm last night, which felt like the early morning of my warped day.

I'm unhappy. The most unhappy I remember myself being in a long time. While I know the definite reasons for this unhappiness, I know how they came about and how my recklessness was a major part of that, I keep reminding myself that life's lows are life's lessons.

I can't write very well when I'm happy. I can write fairly well when I'm stable and indifferent, but not when I'm too excited or elated. I write quite well when I'm unhappy or lonely or even depressed and frustrated, and though it's been a while since I posted anything on here, I have been very active on other, more private platforms.Those keep safe the sides of my life that I wish to remain hidden, and also provide the venting I get from writing here.

Having a good memory and a knack for keeping "mementos" from each part of my journey through life had been two of the major things that feed my nostalgia. I would love to travel to the past if possible, but for now small trips down memory lanes suffice. But as of late, they also started to feed a sense of regret for all the times I know I should have acted differently, that could have most likely spared me my current "low." I know I just said right above that lows are lessons, but some lessons are best learned by observation, not trial. I know mending one's broken heart is hard to learn by just observing, but in the midst of all the pain, a few regrets make the red carpet appearance.

Being objective and telling myself I acted in a wrong way when I really should has not always been a merit of mine. I tend to either shake my mistakes off after correcting the done damage, or lie in this endless hole of shame and misery and absolute mortification, blaming my mistakes on my nature rather than my conscious (or unconscious) actions. I don't do self-accountability exactly right, which is a shame because I really need to learn how to.

I don't have a very healthy self-image. I work on that when I'm in a good place mentally and emotionally, but every once in a while a blow to my self-esteem causes me to try to rebuild what was shattered and broken down from the foundation rather than build on it. It gets disheartening at times, but I know it's worth the effort every time I look in the mirror and feel grateful for what I see.

I'm still rather emotionally inclined while making decisions. I appreciate it because it helped me maintain most of my current healthy relationships. It led me to some paths I wish to never tread again, but I'll count it as a blessing in today's solid, rational, materialistic world.

It's quite different for me writing this post, because contrary to my others on this blog, it doesn't revolve around an idea. It's just a bunch of stuff I wanted written down to remind me of my thought process during this time of my life. I'll try to be more frequent in writing on here, because frankly I need it more than anything right now. Although my other platforms which have been either private or anonymous offered some relief at time of need, I think it's about time I got back to being myself.

If you reached the end of this kind of irrelevant post, I truly thank you. Till next time!

Back When I was a Kid...

I was cleaning out a closet at home when I stumbled upon some pretty ancient stuff. The most remarkable loot from my raid was my 6th grade diary. That's right; the unedited, untouched version of who I was when I was 12. I read through all the times I was crushing on boys (whom I had not named, unfortunately!) The times I thought my parents didn't understand, and times when having exams actually mattered to me, lol! Let's just say that was a long while ago.
Why do I care so much about something as trivial as an elementary school diary, you ask? Well, first off I thought it was neat that it's kept its form for so long. Secondly, I like the idea of gazing to my thoughts when I was actually excited to become a teenager. My choice of vocabulary was still shaky, but I think I managed to get on pretty well (regarding that English is NOT my first language). I was relatively happy, ignoring the fact that I was bullied at school regularly. I had some deep thoughts and daydreams...of which I share with you:

April 16th, 2007

Dear Diary,
    Today i noticed that we must learn from wax. when it melts, it holds on together and becomes solid again. It's important to know that when we fall we can go up and hold on to be whatever we wanna be.

The rest of this diary entry was a rant about my mom yelling at me, how typical of a teenager!
Another excerpt from the diary, about being bullied, it was on 6th grade picture day. I remember not being told it was picture day because I was absent the day before, so I went there with a very "unusual" hairstyle for my frizzy, curly hair...and let's just say it didn't turn out so good with the peers...

April 19th, 2007

Dear Diary,
     I tied my hair in two ponytails today, some folk called me a "freaky child", I'm not a freak OR a child!

That was all I had to say about it, I guess I didn't understand what bullying was all about back then. And frankly, I didn't seem to mind and lived my life normally.

I liked them Disney princesses ;)

Okay, the next one is hilarious/kinda embarrassing. See, my first celebrity crush was Zac Efron, I was so in love with him! But then again, would I blame myself for it? Heeeeck NO!

April 21st, 2007
Dear Diary,
     I wish today I could meet Zac Efron himself, & write french. Someday, I'll do.
Writing french, not meeting Zacky, lol!

 And I did! I aced my french exam last year when I had to take french class. I guess with some determination it happened. Ya know, "Rien est impossible." ;)

I almost cried when seeing full diary entries about being so happy to turn thirteen, starting middle school, or getting A's...I like how pure and simple my mind was, even though I was rushing straight ahead into puberty and its miserable years, of feeling incompetent, not pretty enough, not popular enough, not strong enough...
I like this idea of a "time capsule" of my brain, you know, when you're older you can get all kinds of memories lost and replaced. So keeping them in a journal, diary or a blog is a perfect way to reminisce and analyze the contents of your brain at a certain age. Maybe this blog is some kind of diary for later use, so I could know what I was thinking and feeling and experiencing when I was 18.
Hope you enjoyed those small excerpts from my diary, which I allow absolutely no one to read.
You should feel special. :))