Innocence

Why do I always wish I could get younger?
I find a million reasons crammed inside my tiny head, ranging from things as superficial as the fine lines on my forehead I've been getting since I turned 16, to the depths of wanting to do over whole experiences that stole parts of my faith in the world and in myself...
A big reason comes to mind, though. It's the innocence we all lose as part of growing up.
Some people define innocence as not having committed any faults; being blameless. Others define it as not knowing evils of the world; being pure-hearted and maybe a little naive. Although I find myself gravitating towards the second definition, I sure know where the first argument is coming from. But having been indoctrinated since I was a little child that shutting out evil is the best way to avoid committing it, it's still hard for me to accept that evil thoughts are not a sin if they were aborted and not turned into sinful acts.

Innocence is an elusive value. Everyone has found out in their own way that once it's lost it can never be found again. Some still try to get it back, hopelessly so, even when all their desperate attempts fail miserably. While some still go out of their way to get rid of it, as if it was some kind of rookie marking that shows they weren't "experienced" enough.

I know whoever seeks innocence does so as a last refuge from guilt. I know guilt is a destructive feeling as I've seen its effect on so many people including myself. It eats away the heart and mind of the person experiencing it, leaving the remnant torn and in a helpless state. I know how a soul longs for liberation from the control of despair, and how the slightest glimpse of hope and acceptance shines so brightly like the light at the end of the tunnel. I know all that because I've seen it.
But I also know that look in the eyes of the old and wise, who know that all still tumble and get their innocence robes filthy. They know it's the course of all humanity, it's inevitable. They chuckle at the sight of a person still trying to save their image of the world and of their self unharmed, fighting the scarring and disturbing experiences they go through.
It's disheartening...

I have one last question: If losing innocence is the final destination, why take the long, hard way there?

Idolatry

Judging by the title you've probably figured out what I'll write about. Fair enough, it's not a new subject to tackle, nor is it an easy one. I'll be very specific and quite personal when talking about this, so bear with me for a little...
The type of idols and idolatry this time is people. I've always thought of role models as infallible, though I try to look like I know their weaknesses and problems, and that they're in no means perfect. I find myself always ignoring these faults and failings once I get totally hooked up on them. It's then I realize that I've created something too big to break down into a normal human being. It only takes another role model I turn into an idol to make me see the faults and normality of the previous one. Like I said in the last post, it's a cycle, a very repetitive one. I guess it'll end for sure, nothing lasts forever after all.
I may seem mature for my age, but I know there are certain things that expose my lack of consistency. I pray about it. I even noticed improvement in some areas. But sometimes it only takes someone to tick me off to get me to throw a tantrum, or some poor friend of mine to bash on something I happen to "like" to get me to never stop proving them wrong, or convincing them that they need a change of views. This particular area, which is idolizing people, proves there's a LOT to work on in order to be mature.
I still struggle with the idea that I can change whatever I want about myself, whenever I want it, once I set my mind to. As if there's a button to press so I would stop being lazy, or stop thinking too highly or too lowly of myself, or even a button to change my opinion about someone or something I know is no good. This shows my lack of a realistic perspective of the world, of myself, of God. Things like that need perseverance, something I'm very poor in.
I just don't know what to do with myself. I still pray to find the right way to get rid of idolizing people, to grow up, and to learn from all the times mere humans failed me.
Pray for me, please.