Faithful Companion

My life's decisions have had many motivators, fear was always the most pressing, gnawing, and powerful. It always lingered in the back of my mind like a slow hum that would turn into a growl whenever I allowed myself to look away from it for too long. It would glare at me with its red eyes and ask: "Do you dare act against my will?" And I would comply with it... because I was a coward. 

 Saying I was a coward is a cop-out. I still am a coward. Fear remains my strongest driving force because hope is something I never afforded. I never knew what it's like to choose something without duress; without looking back and seeing how frightening the alternative is and sighing in relief that I escaped by the skin of my teeth. 

 I knew what courage looked like for a few moments in my life. I stood in the face of adversity and defended my choices and felt quite good about it, too. The funny thing is, every single one of those decisions, especially when I bet against the odds and had such conviction while doing so, ended up in disappointment. 

 These instances taught me that desire isn't in the cards for someone like me. That caution, however suffocating and isolating and sad, is the only way I can survive with the least damage possible to the people I care about. I learned to quiet the parts of me that yearned for more, for better, for deeper. I repeated my fear to myself as a daily mantra because I still am scared if I abandon it I'll get hurt. I learned to tell myself: "This is as good as it's going to get." Over and over. 

 The cynical part of me wants to interject here and point out how obviously misguided the delusional part of me is. Because if I'd learned anything in my 30 years of life, it's that every time I listen to desire, to hope, to more, I get struck down. 

 People have a tendency to be fickle and uncertain, even when they tell you you're the answer to their prayers...their prayers change and you miss the mark once again. It's not their fault they're human. It's not a moral shortcoming to change. But it's starting to feel like change evades me, because no matter how much I wish for fear to leave me alone, it remains my most faithful companion.

Young and Beautiful

The thought of growing old scares me. And in that, I join the billions of people who are naturally anxious of advancing in age with all the potential health risks and the loss of loved ones and so on.

I just think it's more than that for me. For example, I'm terrified of the inevitable loneliness I'll experience more with the passing of years. And I'm not talking about not having people around, I mean the entrapment in my own psyche that will increase the older I get. How I'll stop being flexible and accepting of new ideas, How difficult it will be changing and adapting to harsh situations that my idealistic self simply wishes away. How simple it will be to hide my fears and hopes to escape ridicule or avoid conflict.

I'm also not really excited about my body aging. I can see how a year can make a difference now that I can see the pounds piling up, or how a cold doesn't go away as fast as it did before, or even the fine lines that are making a statement on my forehead to remind me I'll enjoy wrinkles for the upcoming three fourths of my life.

I'm scared of becoming less desirable...not just as a woman, but also as a person. I can see the way teenagers of 15 look at me now like I'm an old lady when I try to joke with them. It's funny sometimes, but leaves a bitter aftertaste. I'm especially reminded of it when I think a guy is cute just to find out he's a couple (or more) years younger than me, then look myself in the mirror to realize I look even older than my own age. Such a treat finding out people guess my age at 25 when I'm not yet 22.

I could rant about how youth and beauty are overrated, but they're really not. Just ask people who go under the knife to have their sagging skin tightened, or those who get into relationships with others as young as their own children. I feel like I'm spending the prime of my life laden with such thoughts, that I'll look back on it and regret not enjoying youth and beauty while I had them. But what am I to do when I feel like I have them not, even now?

In the Middle

I'm not even sure whether it's me who's in the way of life, or life is in the way of me.
Periods like the one I'm going through are easily dismissed as "transitional;" something that won't last and probably is leading up to something better. But I have to wonder:
Is it real what we, human people, tell ourselves whenever things get too much to handle or life spurs out of control, that "everything will be alright eventually?" Is it not some random things happening to each of us, the bad and the good? If we tally the good and the bad in each of our lives, are they supposed to magically level off?

Self-pity is pathetic, but it's kind of comforting to know that you sympathize with your own self. I mean, right now as I'm feeling in the way of so many lives, so many happinesses, so much going right for people I care about (including my own self), I kind of like the fact that I'm not hating myself for it.
The way I see it, life also is getting in the way of me being a normally functioning human being. I was not made for waking up at 6:15, toiling my way through life without relishing in the sweet taste of meaningful connection with other human beings. The fakery of smiles and giggles to strangers you work or study with, who think they know you because they know your first name is draining. The weeks spent without good company, with no rush or excitement at the prospect of doing something or seeing someone you love is painful.
Monotony is painful. Loss of passion and purpose is painful. Boredom is deadly.

So I ask for help, and what I get is a concoction of tried and tested formulas of how to be a normal person. How to get your rough ends rounded enough to fit in the nice cookie cutter shape of the ambiguous yet weirdly specific good person. A good student, a good daughter, a good God-follower, a good friend, a good whatever-you-fill-in-the-space. The approach that everyone's going for is: "Well, looks like your life is pretty much a cleared piece of land, so why not build it up the way everyone around you wants you to?!" Sure thang! That's a pretty damn awesome plan, collective mind of the peoples!

I had mentioned in a previous post that my attempts to not get in the way previously prevented me from ever breaking rules or rebelling against authority even in my oh-so-vulnerable teenage years. But goodness gracious! It looks like now, at 21, I'm starting to think to hell with everyone!

Okay, okay. Not that drastically. But I'm getting more and more convinced that as long as I'm not actively trying to hurt someone else, I shouldn't worry too much about what people will make out of my life's decisions. Sure, I may do things I regret later, but it's those things that I might remember when I'm old and gray and think: "Man, I used my stupid young person privilege well!"

One of these stupid things is staying up writing till 3:15 on a school night. Oh well.

Finding my voice

It's quite painful to feel like you've lost your voice. Amidst daily struggles, suffocating routines, and the busyness of people who comprise your support system. It's almost like screaming in a crowded place where no-one can hear anything but their own voice, until they realize just how fruitless it is, and resort to mumbling to themselves instead.

I used to be able to "express" so easily. Thoughts I've had pop in my head at 3 am used to flow in words as if they were being recited to me. I took it for granted for so long until I realized that there is a time when I'll be desperate to articulate my thoughts and fail to do so miserably. Or even worse, to think to myself that what I have to say isn't worthwhile, that my experience as a human doesn't matter and I should just shut the hell up to avoid annoying people about my useless life while they go on with theirs.

I don't know how long it will take for my brain to unwind the damage this warped thought process brought upon me. I'm just sharing this to say I know it won't last, I won't let it.

Answers

"The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything."

-Oscar Wilde

I knew everything.

I had all the answers to every question that could cross my mind as a 17-year-old, as an 18-year-old I could profess a faith in innumerable things that I just knew to be true. I was not shaken, weak or unsure. Everything aligned perfectly with my worldview.

But then I grew up.

The questions got harder and kept piling up. The pressures arose and I tried to fumble for my faith that was only as big as the questions I once had as a 17-year-old. Nothing worked like it was supposed to. I was left confused, unsure of whom to believe. The way my faith was built on people's perceptions of things failed me miserably, because people. They change, they fall, they get their own difficult questions that they fail to answer.

I became infuriated, filled with rage and scorn over the loss of my precious peace of mind. Nothing and no-one could sedate me. I needed my answers. I needed my peace. I just lacked the patience and perseverance to look around for some.

Now I'm numb. I'm waiting for something to happen to change the way I live. I miss my answers and my peace of mind, but I don't have much of a fight left in me...

The Ella Enchanted Syndrome

For my whole life, I've been the goody-two-shoes who follows laws, rules, and regulations with blind obedience. I was told it was best for everyone. I was told it keeps everyone safe, happy, and productive. I was told when things are in order, little could go wrong.

Throughout my almost twenty one years of life, I saw laws being broken, regulations ignored, and people doing whatever the hell they wanted to do, to little or no consequences on the greater good of the society. Sure, many of those instances lead to injustices that affected me directly and personally, but no one else cared and I knew it was best for everyone if I just kept my mouth shut. I realized I bend under pressure and cave in under the unjust rule of tyrannous figures who only cared about that elusive, mysterious "greater good."
And for the very few times I tried to play rebellious and pay no heed to their warnings, all hell broke loose.

This is not to say I got in much trouble, because the last "serious" trouble I ever got into was back in kindergarten when I publicly defied a teacher who didn't like that I talked too much. The situation worked out in my favor after my mother meddled, but ever since I've always thought twice and thrice and a million times before defying authority. Be that the security guard in front of a building who insists on making my life harder because he can, to the teachers, professors, religious leaders, team leaders and so on of the people who have a say on what goes and what doesn't in my life.

I just don't like using uncivil manners, which might seem contradictory to my feisty personality and quick temper. But screaming and using foul language always comes with more internal repercussions than external for me. I have terrible guilt that breaks me down every time I lash out at someone, whether they deserve it or not. Added to the perfectly convenient (hah!) unlikable aura that surrounds me wherever I go, it just makes life pretty hard for me to not be a complete and utter angel. I can't -of course- because I'm human, but my failure to conceal contempt or disgust or any negative feeling there is always makes me dissatisfied with my performance in the system I am currently living in; the system that both repels me and repulses me.

But I'm tired of that. I'm tired of feeling scared all the time lest I step on someone's toes accidentally while I go on living my life. I want, for a change, to not care whether my existence is causing someone trouble or inconvenience. I want to stop caring about everyone's needs and desires, likes and dislikes before my own. I want to stop regarding the laws and rules and unspoken conventions (which failed to protect my rights uncountable times) as sacred laws to be regarded above my personal comfort. I'm tired of being a coward and fearing the consequences of every action I take no matter how trivial and insignificant it is. And I'm tired of being scared to stand up for what I think is best for me, regardless of what people say and rules dictate.

I want to embrace this phase of rebelliousness now that I can, for one day I'll wake up unable to defend my rights that I let go of, when I possessed the voice and energy to stand up for them and receded. 

Thoughts in the early (morning)

I'm lying on a couch at 5:43 am. I've only been awake since 8 pm last night, which felt like the early morning of my warped day.

I'm unhappy. The most unhappy I remember myself being in a long time. While I know the definite reasons for this unhappiness, I know how they came about and how my recklessness was a major part of that, I keep reminding myself that life's lows are life's lessons.

I can't write very well when I'm happy. I can write fairly well when I'm stable and indifferent, but not when I'm too excited or elated. I write quite well when I'm unhappy or lonely or even depressed and frustrated, and though it's been a while since I posted anything on here, I have been very active on other, more private platforms.Those keep safe the sides of my life that I wish to remain hidden, and also provide the venting I get from writing here.

Having a good memory and a knack for keeping "mementos" from each part of my journey through life had been two of the major things that feed my nostalgia. I would love to travel to the past if possible, but for now small trips down memory lanes suffice. But as of late, they also started to feed a sense of regret for all the times I know I should have acted differently, that could have most likely spared me my current "low." I know I just said right above that lows are lessons, but some lessons are best learned by observation, not trial. I know mending one's broken heart is hard to learn by just observing, but in the midst of all the pain, a few regrets make the red carpet appearance.

Being objective and telling myself I acted in a wrong way when I really should has not always been a merit of mine. I tend to either shake my mistakes off after correcting the done damage, or lie in this endless hole of shame and misery and absolute mortification, blaming my mistakes on my nature rather than my conscious (or unconscious) actions. I don't do self-accountability exactly right, which is a shame because I really need to learn how to.

I don't have a very healthy self-image. I work on that when I'm in a good place mentally and emotionally, but every once in a while a blow to my self-esteem causes me to try to rebuild what was shattered and broken down from the foundation rather than build on it. It gets disheartening at times, but I know it's worth the effort every time I look in the mirror and feel grateful for what I see.

I'm still rather emotionally inclined while making decisions. I appreciate it because it helped me maintain most of my current healthy relationships. It led me to some paths I wish to never tread again, but I'll count it as a blessing in today's solid, rational, materialistic world.

It's quite different for me writing this post, because contrary to my others on this blog, it doesn't revolve around an idea. It's just a bunch of stuff I wanted written down to remind me of my thought process during this time of my life. I'll try to be more frequent in writing on here, because frankly I need it more than anything right now. Although my other platforms which have been either private or anonymous offered some relief at time of need, I think it's about time I got back to being myself.

If you reached the end of this kind of irrelevant post, I truly thank you. Till next time!

Friends or allies?

So I've seen this pic on my news feed several times now and I have a little rebuttal for the argument presented and the very "matter-of-factly" way it's presented in.

Friendship is a voluntary relationship. No one forces anyone to have friends or hang out with completely unrelated people to him just to make this person's day worse...just for the hell of it. We choose our friends, and suppose we do it in a healthy manner, we choose them based on common interests and fields of enjoyment. We choose them to make our days pass by a little better and to share with them our crazy antics and passions. We have so much to talk to them about, and what we talk about is completely unnecessarily related to our separate social lives. We talk sports, music, literature, long walks, health, philosophy...etc. with the occasional banter about current events and/or work and life troubles.

Friendship is optional. You don't have to call a person a friend if you two don't have anything in common. You can resort to acquaintance/colleague to rightfully label a person you don't choose to accompany willingfully. It's totally okay to have this as a circle in your life as a mature adult. You no longer play with the kids in the play ground and call them all your besties the next moment. There are boundaries and correct labels to be used.

However, and this is my main conflict with the picture, you can't really complain about a friend wanting to contact you daily, nor is it possible that you call someone a "friend" and be bothered by their wanting to chat up for a few minutes every other day. Of course we all have the "leave me alone" days in which we feel rather inclined to being solitary, but wanting to be alone and away from people you call your friends is quite an unhealthy sign if you ask me.

Second point in the picture is "if you need me I'll be there," well, it goes in line with the old saying we always hear: "A friend in need is a friend indeed." I want to say that's just not what friendship is for.
Friendship is a mutually enriching experience, it's not "I'm here for you today so you should be there for me tomorrow." It's not a who-repays-whom game. It's not a collection of tough moments in which you had a friend help you or you helped a friend. In fact, people who view friendships this way might suffer such lousy time with their "friends" when nothing crucial (whether good or bad) is happening. A sad sight indeed.
I'll leave the always articulate C. S. Lewis explain this better from his book "The Four Loves." 

" Others again would say that Friendship is extremely useful, perhaps necessary for survival, to the individual. They could produce plenty of authority: "bare is back without brother behind it" and "there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother". But when we speak thus we are using friend to mean "ally". In ordinary usage friend means, or should mean, more than that. A Friend will, to be sure, prove himself to be also an ally when alliance becomes necessary; will lend or give when we are in need, nurse us in sickness, stand up for us among our enemies, do what he can for our widows and orphans. But such good offices are not the stuff of Friendship. The occasions for them are almost interruptions. They are in one way relevant to it, in another not. Relevant, because you would be a false friend if you would not do them when the need arose; irrelevant, because the role of benefactor always remains accidental, even a little alien, to that of Friend. It is almost embarrassing. For Friendship is utterly free from Affection's need to be needed. We are sorry that any gift or loan or night-watching should have been necessary - and now, for heaven's sake, let us forget all about it and go back to the things we really want to do or talk of together. Even gratitude is no enrichment to this love. The stereotyped "Don't mention it" here expresses what we really feel. The mark of perfect Friendship is not that help will be given when the pinch comes (of course it will) but that, having been given, it makes no difference at all. It was a distraction, an anomaly. It was a horrible waste of the time, always too short, that we had together. Perhaps we had only a couple of hours in which to talk and, God bless us, twenty minutes of it has had to be devoted to affairs."

- C. S. Lewis, The Four Loves

L

Twenty (Collective Thoughts from Birthday Week)

Okay, so here it goes...
I turned 20 exactly a week ago. I don't really know how I feel about it, but the immense love I received from so many people (both close to me and just acquaintances) was more than enough to make me feel blessed throughout the whole day. So here's a long due "Thank you!" to everyone who took the time and effort to wish this girl a happy start after a second decade done.

I got into a messy argument with a friend that night. It was not how I imagined my twenties to start, but God only knows what good intentions were put into my actions.
This is all I'm saying about the cause of the state of shock that took over me for the better part of the three days that followed.

I couldn't stay there. I needed to pull my act together both for college, and for a moment I awaited a long long time, the closing ceremony of a civil society project I'd been working on since last July.

When that moment came along, I was very proud of the work my team and I put into the project, and the incredible outcome that I saw in the eyes of everyone, whether staff or participants. Each "thank you" I received reminded me of how much of a privilege it is to be able to help people reach a better understanding of their potentials. And of the impact that the experience, and each and every one I worked with has left in me.

I took a leap of faith to do somethong I always wanted to do, which is sing alone in English in front of a large group of people. I have performed alone before through acting, and I'm already a member of a choir group in my church, but this experience is completely different. I know I don't have the nicest, strongest voice out there, but I also know that a deeply felt song is almost always well-received.
So, I picked "Fix You" by Coldplay. It's a song I truly love. It holds dear memories to me and it's somewhat popular. And I got up there on the stage of the Great Hall in the Bibliotheca Alexandrina, in front of over a thousand people, and sang it.
I wouldn't lie and say I was afraid, because I wasn't. But having tried that feeling is still a big experience for me. I enjoyed that moment despite all the background noise in my head that had my feelings blurred and distorted for the previous few days. I had fun.

So, to wrap it all up, I need to work on my ability to properly react on time. I remember vividly how each situation leaves me feeling, but I need to allow these feelings to show up like they used to.

Rantings with tears in my eyes

Why do we do this? why do we pick out differences and search for things that cause us to fight and argue and have battles and kill each other?
Why does the whole human race indulge in violence, oppression, murder, destruction of everything pure and beautiful?
Did God intend for things to be this way?
Did he command people to kill whoever doesn't agree with them?
Did he want to see all the bloodshed and the struggle to spread dominion over worthless pieces of land, or assertion of nationalities or religions?
Did he want everyone to be the same?
So why don't genocides work?
Why don't we all look the same, think the same, act the same?
Is there something wrong with being different from your friends, your coworkers, the person you love?
Is there some kind of curse of eternal damnation that befalls whoever thinks of ignoring differences and focusing on the commonalities?
Does God want that?
Then what does He want?

Innocence

Why do I always wish I could get younger?
I find a million reasons crammed inside my tiny head, ranging from things as superficial as the fine lines on my forehead I've been getting since I turned 16, to the depths of wanting to do over whole experiences that stole parts of my faith in the world and in myself...
A big reason comes to mind, though. It's the innocence we all lose as part of growing up.
Some people define innocence as not having committed any faults; being blameless. Others define it as not knowing evils of the world; being pure-hearted and maybe a little naive. Although I find myself gravitating towards the second definition, I sure know where the first argument is coming from. But having been indoctrinated since I was a little child that shutting out evil is the best way to avoid committing it, it's still hard for me to accept that evil thoughts are not a sin if they were aborted and not turned into sinful acts.

Innocence is an elusive value. Everyone has found out in their own way that once it's lost it can never be found again. Some still try to get it back, hopelessly so, even when all their desperate attempts fail miserably. While some still go out of their way to get rid of it, as if it was some kind of rookie marking that shows they weren't "experienced" enough.

I know whoever seeks innocence does so as a last refuge from guilt. I know guilt is a destructive feeling as I've seen its effect on so many people including myself. It eats away the heart and mind of the person experiencing it, leaving the remnant torn and in a helpless state. I know how a soul longs for liberation from the control of despair, and how the slightest glimpse of hope and acceptance shines so brightly like the light at the end of the tunnel. I know all that because I've seen it.
But I also know that look in the eyes of the old and wise, who know that all still tumble and get their innocence robes filthy. They know it's the course of all humanity, it's inevitable. They chuckle at the sight of a person still trying to save their image of the world and of their self unharmed, fighting the scarring and disturbing experiences they go through.
It's disheartening...

I have one last question: If losing innocence is the final destination, why take the long, hard way there?

All The Same

         "So if we're casting stones
          If we've forgotten what we know
          That we don't walk alone in this life
          Let your love get inside our bones
          May it deep within us grow
          May we bring in the ones left outside"

 These lines are from a song that's become dear to my heart lately, it's called All The Same by tenth avenue north (you can listen to it below the lyrics).
 What does this have to do with this post?
 I've been visited by this thought so much lately, that we spend so much time condemning others who have different beliefs or act according to a different code of manners that we forget to hold ourselves accountable for anything we do. We always seem to search for where the other person's wrong and magnify their faults so big that we think our own faults don't show. We refuse to give grace. We choose to judge according to differences and never try to "walk a mile in their shoes."

We're all humans, all the same. Every single one of us is struggling with something, no matter how big or small. We think that being secretive about our flaws and past mistakes, while casting stones on others' flaws and mistakes, will somehow work.

But you know, this is contradictory to basic logic.
Am I supposed to expect others to forgive me if I don't forgive them? Am I better? More favored in God's eyes for a special thing in me? Was I born with extra credit for having a special set of genes that give me superiority over another person?
Am I better than that person who chose to insult me and talk about my religion in a demeaning way just because it's different from his?

No.
Actually, I might be worse!

The moment a person starts believing he would "never ever ever!" do something, the same person walks into a danger zone of alleged infallibility. I'm not beyond judging a person because he's different from me. In fact, I've done it over and over before. On my own I'm fragile and prone to fall into so many pits and holes; it's God's grace and mercy that keeps me from being a thing I might hate.

So, I'm not offended by what that person said*. I believe he thought there was a very good reason behind that comment he made about my religion.
I forgive, because I want to be forgiven.


*Translation of that comment he made into English:
Do you really believe that strange religion of yours (Christianity)?! It is wrong and unconvincing! I wonder how some minds believe these myths and absurdity you call your religion!
I advise you against being a follower for what you found yourself born into. Use your brain to reach what's right.

The Gold-coated rule?!

My Facebook news feed is the worst place to be right now. Seriously, yours might be just as bad and you don't know it!
You see, all I see is lots of people my age and younger complaining about how terrible people are, how they're done with trying to find friends, and how having active relationships with other people is just not worth it anymore.
It got me thinking; why the hell would someone so young lose hope in dealing with people, while they practically lived only a quarter of their normal life expectancy period?!
Are people really this terrible to each other?
Have we become so frightened that we'd get under-appreciated and maltreated by people that we started to treat them this horribly?
What would happen if we started living a simpler life, one void of all the over-thinking, psychoanalyzing and misinterpretations?
What would happen if we just followed the Golden Rule? Is it really hard to treat people the way we want to be treated?!

But it's not like that, right?!
Well, the Golden Rule is -philosophically- a nice way to live by. You do unto people as you would have them do unto you, and you expect things to work in your favor just because you did the right thing. Right?
Na-uh!
Unless you're the 12-year-old part of the chart, you already know people can be monstrous creatures whose only viability comes from preying on other people. It might be an over-statement, but I've seen people enjoying others' failings, applauding their mistakes, or waiting to see the next wrong thing they'll do just to feel better about themselves.
Horrible, isn't it?
But come on, you'd be lying to your own face if you think you hadn't been this horrible of a person to someone before. Even if you haven't hurt anyone with a word or a look of dismay, I'm pretty sure that somewhere along the path of your life you judged someone, or felt superior to them because of a failing they had.
I can't say I never did this, because I did. And now I know why I shouldn't have.
I'd like people to be nice to me, actually, I'd love it if everyone liked me. I already know it's an impossibility, but wouldn't it be nice to know that there's no one out there hating your guts and loathing the very fact that you're breathing? I'd love if that were true!
However, and I'm sorrowfully speaking here, I know I'm not like that to everyone. I'm called not to accept, tolerate or co-exist with others who are different from me...I'm called to LOVE them!
Now I know it's a tough commandment to follow, and I feel like acting it's not there most of the time. But frankly, I know my life would be much easier if I did.
Carrying the burden of other people's faults is actually very consuming if not destructive. You either lose hope in finding "the right people" to be around, or feel much better about yourself because you sin differently from them. Both ways won't lead you to be at peace with yourself and others, or reach heaven eventually.
So, I say don't live by the "Gold-coated Rule", that is, convincing yourself everything is fine and that you're treating people "nice enough" and it's the way you want to be treated. You'll come back complaining later because you never want to feel "accepted in spite of" you want to feel "loved because". If you have a problem with someone, face yourself with it and forgive them from the bottom of your heart. Love them wholeheartedly because of the many great things they are. And know that God loves you in spite of your failings, He can expose to everyone how messed up you are, but He covers you up. You -in turn, the mere human- don't really own the right to judge your brother.
You know, you shouldn't expect to find favor in people's eyes if you don't offer them grace first.

Nineteen

It feels so weird, too old for the age I long felt stuck in...I always picture myself 16.
I'm not even sure if it's too soon or should have been sooner.
I mean, I take a look at my life now and wonder "When the heck did I grow so old?" Then I look back on every single event, detail, blessing and disaster that took my life and completely altered it over the course of the past 19 years, and I realize that it's 30 years worth of life events I've lived so far!
I don't know whether I should be happy or upset about it.
I do know I'm happy with the over-whelming love I received from almost everyone I know. I feel so blessed by how so many people who are not even this close to me are being nice enough to say such sweet things! But I also know that my birthday is not everyday, and growing up will eventually show its crappy side sooner rather than later. Sigh...
I'm confused about so many things right now, trying to set priorities for my life has never looked to difficult!
I'll just keep praying and talking to God about the mess I call my life for now. It felt much better not having to carry around the weight of my life and trusting Him, before I started taking matters into my own hands.
#GloomiestBirthdayBlogPostEver :/

Judgement

Yeah, yeah, yeah...you've heard it all and read it all about how unfair the world is when it comes to judging others, how wronged you feel you have been by people around you who just don't understand. I for one have always felt the prey when it comes to the judgement game, while in fact I was judging others when I didn't have the right to. I felt superior to the people I didn't give grace to, like I would NEVER do what I judged them on terms of, as if I was the only infallible human being there has ever existed. It kind of substituted for the lack of righteousness I suffer from, so when I picked others' faults and failings I would automatically feel better than them. I shouldn't have done that. I should have given excuses to the people who needed them instead of picking out what's wrong with them. But I know now how wrong I was to block grace out of my everyday encounters with people, that I should look to God asking for forgiveness only after I have forgiven those who wronged me...it takes tons of effort, but I'm praying for strength and perseverance to do that.

Compromise

Getting adjusted to adult life is tough, especially now that I'm done with high school and in the process of choosing my academic future, regarding university and such. I'm currently torn between two different paths. Either commit to scientific study and study pharmacy or dentistry, or follow my true passion and study journalism and writing, or even major in English language and literature.
Now, where I live, making a living is a form of torture. But as a girl, I'm spared some of the sentence because I am to rely on my "future husband" to provide for me. I know this goes against everything I believe in, from gender equality to independence to just plain common sense, but let's face it, I'm not sure whether or not I'll still be living where I am when I get older, so I need to work for the future, and not just my "marital" future!
Where the heck does the title of the post fit in?
I'll tell ya! I am trying to figure out what path I should take to the point where it comes to compromise.
Elaboration? Sure.
Choosing the medical/ scientific field means getting a job, respect from society, working countless hours in an exhausting field, money ($$$!) AND my mama and daddy to be proud of me.
While "following my heart" and choosing to major in English or journalism means: having to live on a dorm, struggling with finances as I won't get a job that easily, being equaled with people who did not choose to major in those, but rather got stuck with not having a high enough credit (or an overall score)....and I'd still make my parents proud.
As the mature adult I am -disregarding the fact that I'm only 18- I'm stomped. I have absolutely no idea what is a better future for me. I get the fact that I do not necessarily have to work with the BSc/BA I'll receive, but I don't want to do "crappily" in college either! I wan't to enjoy the learning process as much as I want to enjoy my 9 to 5 job.
I still have to work on my ability to compromise, whether I am compromising safety by studying away from home and having to live on my own, or comfort by choosing a job that will absolutely break my back, or my dream of working with words and ideas rather than chemicals and teeth (yuck!).
I'm not sure what I should choose now, I ask for advice just to find myself getting more baffled and lost. But I'm quite positive that God has a great plan for me, even if that plan means I'll have no future career at all. I trust Him, and I know I'll be just fine.  (:

Perfection Interrupted: Perfection vs. Individuality

I thought about writing this while having a conversation with my English teacher. I'm mere days away from starting my high school finals, which will eventually determine the university I'll go to. My teacher said that my dilemma of losing marks and half-marks, which eventually lead to a series of A-'s and B's is mainly because of creativity. Now, I'm not creative as in writing down stuff that does not have anything to do with what I'm being taught, nor was he saying this as a way of reprimanding me. I just figured that I try -sometimes subconsciously- to make it obvious I did something. I have to leave a mark on whatever I'm doing. I am individualistic.
This is a challenge in the "one size fits all" system of life I live in, especially when trying so hard to be "perfect."
Being perfect doesn't always mean being the best, but "perfect" does imply that to people sometimes. I struggle to meet the expectations of people around me when I'm not so sure what they expect from me. This is why I long for perfection. Because we all know that the superlative of anything is the clearest form of said thing. I try to be the superlative, and when I fall short, I feel like a failure.
Back to individuality, aka uniqueness or just being different. I don't like being like someone else, none of us does actually. Even the most conventional thinkers try to have a signature way of showing it. God created us in a way that it's impossible for two people to be alike, regardless of how similar they are, they cannot be identical by nature. We, on the other hand, set up standards and molds and labels to put on people so that their uniqueness doesn't bother us. And some submit to the box they've been given to live inside. Personally, I have been trying so hard to fit in the very narrow box of "perfect" for most of my life. I have only recently realized that I'll have no personality of my own if I kept trying to squeeze every last bit of my creativity and individuality into that box.
See, the pattern from the beginning of time till say the 1970s had been to just conform to the standards and be like everybody else. Be different and brace yourself for being called a witch, a clown, a traitor, an idiot, stupid, pointless or helpless. Refer to history for confirmation.
Artists, thinkers, poets and musicians have been outcasts for affirming individuality. Even now, in the age of "freedom of expression" where everyone with a good camera phone is a photographer, and every idiot with a blog is a writer, and every guy with a guitar is a musician, real artists are still outcasts, because their voice is not auto-tuned, because their articles have spelling mistakes, because their paintings are not easy to understand, because their art is not "perfect."
Alas, we ruined both perfection and individuality.
I don't even know whether it is possible for longing for perfection and individuality to reconcile anyway.
Oh, well.

Idolatry

Judging by the title you've probably figured out what I'll write about. Fair enough, it's not a new subject to tackle, nor is it an easy one. I'll be very specific and quite personal when talking about this, so bear with me for a little...
The type of idols and idolatry this time is people. I've always thought of role models as infallible, though I try to look like I know their weaknesses and problems, and that they're in no means perfect. I find myself always ignoring these faults and failings once I get totally hooked up on them. It's then I realize that I've created something too big to break down into a normal human being. It only takes another role model I turn into an idol to make me see the faults and normality of the previous one. Like I said in the last post, it's a cycle, a very repetitive one. I guess it'll end for sure, nothing lasts forever after all.
I may seem mature for my age, but I know there are certain things that expose my lack of consistency. I pray about it. I even noticed improvement in some areas. But sometimes it only takes someone to tick me off to get me to throw a tantrum, or some poor friend of mine to bash on something I happen to "like" to get me to never stop proving them wrong, or convincing them that they need a change of views. This particular area, which is idolizing people, proves there's a LOT to work on in order to be mature.
I still struggle with the idea that I can change whatever I want about myself, whenever I want it, once I set my mind to. As if there's a button to press so I would stop being lazy, or stop thinking too highly or too lowly of myself, or even a button to change my opinion about someone or something I know is no good. This shows my lack of a realistic perspective of the world, of myself, of God. Things like that need perseverance, something I'm very poor in.
I just don't know what to do with myself. I still pray to find the right way to get rid of idolizing people, to grow up, and to learn from all the times mere humans failed me.
Pray for me, please.

Turning Away

It's been a long while since I last posted on here, the truth is that my mind was completely in a block. I wanted to post, but had no idea what to write. But I was just thinking about this thing 2 days ago, and I felt the need to share it...
The thing is that I noticed this pattern I go through when I'm "in love." Not necessarily with someone, but even when I'm in love with something. When it comes to things, I like to call them a temporary obsession of mine, because I know this "love" will fade away quite fast. The real problem is when it comes to a person, a real person.
You can't develop an interest in a person, let them consume your thoughts and energy, hang by a word they say, feel a deep affection for what they are and what they represent to you, just to find yourself suddenly repulsed by them. It happened to me, it still happens to me. It's like at a moment your whole life revolves around someone, but after a few months, you feel like you never even wanted to know them!
I realize that people are not paper towels. I can't just use one and dispose of them after I'm done. I also realize that there's something seriously wrong with me. Of course, those people are not saints who never do me wrong or hurt me or push me away, but neither am I. I can't just develop deep emotions this fast to just throw them to the wind the minute I'm not comfortable anymore.
I also realized that I can't blame people for what I do to them. For example: I stop calling a certain friend for 5 weeks, but then I feel this sudden storm of rage pounding on my mind saying this isn't a real friend for not calling me that long. I tried to medicate this by revealing what I was thinking to said friend. the answer I got was nothing but sensible, he said: "I was thinking the same thing, I was just waiting for you to go on and call first." Shoot! That was awkward, and even if he were lying, and he didn't really care (which isn't true, I checked later) it was still, equally, my fault.

I came to know a part of my being is still a little kid. And I do not mean this in a good way!
Remember when you kept nagging your parents for that toy at the store or in the commercials that you wanted so bad. You said your happiness depended on it. They listened and got you the toy...
But then what?! Another commercial aired, you felt like your happiness depended on The New Toy (I capitalized on purpose). So?!
See, this is a never ending loop, it just goes on and on and on. I think I need serious help with commitment, patience, tolerance, trust and other issues that I'm really struggling with right now.
I'm praying for now. I just got tired of being like this. Unless you suffer from the same problem, you'll never know what it feels like to pour your heart so into something/ someone, then just get bored, of everything and everyone. I go on and find new people and new things, to just repeat the cycle again.
I figured for some time that not caring too much will be the answer, turns out I wasn't caring enough. I hurt people I loved and cared about, and still care about. I got hurt a lot from what I'm doing. It wasn't quite the right answer...
I just wish I could know what causes me to turn away, is it people/ things changing? is it knowing too much about them? Is it the fact that I realize I gave them undeserved attention? Is it a means of twisted self discipline?
I'm not even sure I made sense in this post, I just needed to get this off my chest...
If you believe in prayers, pray for me, please!

Just like the movies

I had just finished reading a book of a story I had known so many years ago. That time, it was the way the writer intended it to sound like when the little voice in my head read it. I was so much moved by the way he described events, people and emotions. Those emotions! If only life in some way could imitate art, well, if only it were even possible for something like this to happen!

 I considered myself a very emotional person, yet in someway I got very good at hiding it. I got used to convincing myself that it's just a waste of time feeling something, or at least thinking about feeling something. That opening the door, or just leaving a little gap where light could enter, will wreck me eventually.

I grew tough. Tougher by the day. I even scare people away; looking so collected and so whole on your own is always a deal breaker.

I am deprived of emotions. I search inside of me for them but I fail to find enough of them for the people I handle everyday. If there are some left, they would be merely the remnant of what I once held inside of me.

Yet in my heart, still yearns the old me to the slightest glimpse of hope that someday I will be loved. This "embarrassing" side shows every time I witness an outpour of feelings. I'm not made of stone, apparently. And just as I try to make this side more obvious, I get laughed at for crying over a movie, or tearing up to a song, or just reacting to a gesture I thought was sincere towards me.

It is then when I pray the most that life would truly imitate art.

How have we become so poor on the inside? It's almost scandalous that it's impossible a man tells his lady that he loves her, without risking a million gazing eyes towards him. Even friends no longer make their loyalty a priority, for interest's sake! I lament where we've become. So bad that I pity myself instead of blaming it for where I have gone.

But then I'm bewildered, how on earth is life not like "the movies" when people who create movies are, well, alive?! From where would poets, authors or artists in general soak the vividness of their emotions? Don't they live on the same planet we live on? Why isn't it that we wonder from where we got all the stiffness, instead of pondering at their "mushiness"?

I admit that not all people are created equal, especially when it comes to feelings. But we could just try! We could just pray for more enlightenment when it comes to searching our souls within. I can't say that this is the answer. Truth is that I am still looking into it myself. I may never reach the shore when it comes to just this...