Abandonment

From innocent confessions in normal conversation that tell you exactly how little you matter to the other party, to long speeches of "it's not you, it's me" uttered to clear an unstable conscience before extinguishing any glimmer of hope that might exist of them staying. By now, I've learned that abandonment comes both when you least expect it and when you've been expecting it from the get go.

Some might call it a self-fulfilling prophecy, or acting to reflect your low standards, thus allowing people who step on your pride to leave and welcoming them back whenever they please. Well, I never thought of myself as privileged enough to act "heavy" or "hard to get"...I always thought this will add to the perception of me being a cutthroat bitch that I've been trying to shake for some time. I ask for a fraction of what I'm willing to give, and it always seems a little too much anyway.

There will always be unfavorable circumstances that get in the way of every meaningful human interaction, and when it comes to either fighting them or leaving, the easier option is always to leave. And I understand. I can't not understand. But I want to know what it feels like to be someone who's worth fighting for. It's desperate and pathetic and a little disgusting to blurt out, begging not to be taken for granted. I'm just a bit tired of being a form of excess, it wears down the soul to the point where it becomes a belief about oneself. And I don't want to believe that.

In the Middle

I'm not even sure whether it's me who's in the way of life, or life is in the way of me.
Periods like the one I'm going through are easily dismissed as "transitional;" something that won't last and probably is leading up to something better. But I have to wonder:
Is it real what we, human people, tell ourselves whenever things get too much to handle or life spurs out of control, that "everything will be alright eventually?" Is it not some random things happening to each of us, the bad and the good? If we tally the good and the bad in each of our lives, are they supposed to magically level off?

Self-pity is pathetic, but it's kind of comforting to know that you sympathize with your own self. I mean, right now as I'm feeling in the way of so many lives, so many happinesses, so much going right for people I care about (including my own self), I kind of like the fact that I'm not hating myself for it.
The way I see it, life also is getting in the way of me being a normally functioning human being. I was not made for waking up at 6:15, toiling my way through life without relishing in the sweet taste of meaningful connection with other human beings. The fakery of smiles and giggles to strangers you work or study with, who think they know you because they know your first name is draining. The weeks spent without good company, with no rush or excitement at the prospect of doing something or seeing someone you love is painful.
Monotony is painful. Loss of passion and purpose is painful. Boredom is deadly.

So I ask for help, and what I get is a concoction of tried and tested formulas of how to be a normal person. How to get your rough ends rounded enough to fit in the nice cookie cutter shape of the ambiguous yet weirdly specific good person. A good student, a good daughter, a good God-follower, a good friend, a good whatever-you-fill-in-the-space. The approach that everyone's going for is: "Well, looks like your life is pretty much a cleared piece of land, so why not build it up the way everyone around you wants you to?!" Sure thang! That's a pretty damn awesome plan, collective mind of the peoples!

I had mentioned in a previous post that my attempts to not get in the way previously prevented me from ever breaking rules or rebelling against authority even in my oh-so-vulnerable teenage years. But goodness gracious! It looks like now, at 21, I'm starting to think to hell with everyone!

Okay, okay. Not that drastically. But I'm getting more and more convinced that as long as I'm not actively trying to hurt someone else, I shouldn't worry too much about what people will make out of my life's decisions. Sure, I may do things I regret later, but it's those things that I might remember when I'm old and gray and think: "Man, I used my stupid young person privilege well!"

One of these stupid things is staying up writing till 3:15 on a school night. Oh well.

Finding my voice

It's quite painful to feel like you've lost your voice. Amidst daily struggles, suffocating routines, and the busyness of people who comprise your support system. It's almost like screaming in a crowded place where no-one can hear anything but their own voice, until they realize just how fruitless it is, and resort to mumbling to themselves instead.

I used to be able to "express" so easily. Thoughts I've had pop in my head at 3 am used to flow in words as if they were being recited to me. I took it for granted for so long until I realized that there is a time when I'll be desperate to articulate my thoughts and fail to do so miserably. Or even worse, to think to myself that what I have to say isn't worthwhile, that my experience as a human doesn't matter and I should just shut the hell up to avoid annoying people about my useless life while they go on with theirs.

I don't know how long it will take for my brain to unwind the damage this warped thought process brought upon me. I'm just sharing this to say I know it won't last, I won't let it.

The Ella Enchanted Syndrome

For my whole life, I've been the goody-two-shoes who follows laws, rules, and regulations with blind obedience. I was told it was best for everyone. I was told it keeps everyone safe, happy, and productive. I was told when things are in order, little could go wrong.

Throughout my almost twenty one years of life, I saw laws being broken, regulations ignored, and people doing whatever the hell they wanted to do, to little or no consequences on the greater good of the society. Sure, many of those instances lead to injustices that affected me directly and personally, but no one else cared and I knew it was best for everyone if I just kept my mouth shut. I realized I bend under pressure and cave in under the unjust rule of tyrannous figures who only cared about that elusive, mysterious "greater good."
And for the very few times I tried to play rebellious and pay no heed to their warnings, all hell broke loose.

This is not to say I got in much trouble, because the last "serious" trouble I ever got into was back in kindergarten when I publicly defied a teacher who didn't like that I talked too much. The situation worked out in my favor after my mother meddled, but ever since I've always thought twice and thrice and a million times before defying authority. Be that the security guard in front of a building who insists on making my life harder because he can, to the teachers, professors, religious leaders, team leaders and so on of the people who have a say on what goes and what doesn't in my life.

I just don't like using uncivil manners, which might seem contradictory to my feisty personality and quick temper. But screaming and using foul language always comes with more internal repercussions than external for me. I have terrible guilt that breaks me down every time I lash out at someone, whether they deserve it or not. Added to the perfectly convenient (hah!) unlikable aura that surrounds me wherever I go, it just makes life pretty hard for me to not be a complete and utter angel. I can't -of course- because I'm human, but my failure to conceal contempt or disgust or any negative feeling there is always makes me dissatisfied with my performance in the system I am currently living in; the system that both repels me and repulses me.

But I'm tired of that. I'm tired of feeling scared all the time lest I step on someone's toes accidentally while I go on living my life. I want, for a change, to not care whether my existence is causing someone trouble or inconvenience. I want to stop caring about everyone's needs and desires, likes and dislikes before my own. I want to stop regarding the laws and rules and unspoken conventions (which failed to protect my rights uncountable times) as sacred laws to be regarded above my personal comfort. I'm tired of being a coward and fearing the consequences of every action I take no matter how trivial and insignificant it is. And I'm tired of being scared to stand up for what I think is best for me, regardless of what people say and rules dictate.

I want to embrace this phase of rebelliousness now that I can, for one day I'll wake up unable to defend my rights that I let go of, when I possessed the voice and energy to stand up for them and receded. 

When we stop saying "No"...

This isn't about peer pressure as you might have guessed from the title. I'm writing about what happens when we stop saying no to our own selves.
So, we're creatures who seek comfort and convenience wherever those may be. I'd like to think that my laziness is a shared misery with everyone else out there, and I guess it is. We seek the shortest/easiest way to our destinations, we choose flats over high heels (unless it's more rewarding to wear heels ;)), and we like to avoid confusing situations where we feel uncomfortable. It's all normal to be for this and against that; it makes sense.

However, sometimes the most natural and normal way out of a situation is contradictory to a principle one is in full conviction with. Sometimes lying to a teacher or professor or boss is the only way that's won't get you into trouble in a sticky situation, or giving into the temptation to eat that last slice of pizza although you're already full and on a diet. Sometimes checking out that girl in an extra tight, low cut top seems like the only possible option, or hurting a person whether emotionally or physically in retaliation of something they did to you just feels right.

The examples I've cited are related to different forms of conviction, they're either beliefs, morals, or just plain old situations where self-control is needed. The only thing in common is that if you react "normally" you'd realize that it was not correct, but that doesn't stop you.

Okay, so it happened once. Now what?

People vary in reacting to their failure to keep up with the standards they put (or believe were put) for themselves. Some people realize they failed to keep up with the standard and feel a pinch of guilt that prevents them from repeating the shortcoming. Other people experience what is called Cognitive dissonance, defined as:

1. the state of having inconsistent thoughts, beliefs, or attitudes, especially as relating to behavioral decisions and attitude change.

which, in simpler words, means that they start to have second thoughts about their "already there" beliefs and attitudes. They start questioning whether their worldview was right, and how -if so- it failed to keep them in line with their own expectations of themselves.

So what happens when a person doesn't stop and say "No" to their own head when it starts having this kind of thoughts? What happens when a person almost trips into failing to keep their standards, but doesn't say "No" to themselves?

It doesn't feel overly weird at first. It feels quite normal to just go through life like that without holding yourself accountable for every thought and action that comes out of you. But little by little you start noticing your own behavioral changes; a slight increase in selfishness, more disregard of other people's opinion -even the ones you see as close, even more questioning of those beliefs with a slight partiality to what you see as most compatible to your actions. You start surrounding yourself with people who are stuck in the same loop. And ultimately, you start forming new beliefs to replace the old, obsolete ones.

It feels quite different to pull yourself out from the first step than from the last. Some people realize there's no hope at all in regaining their lost standards and decide to stick to their new ones out of comfort and/or convenience.

A repetition of this cycle produces an unstable person, someone who doesn't know exactly where they stand, and more often a person with a shifting moral code and ergo, shifting personality.

Twenty (Collective Thoughts from Birthday Week)

Okay, so here it goes...
I turned 20 exactly a week ago. I don't really know how I feel about it, but the immense love I received from so many people (both close to me and just acquaintances) was more than enough to make me feel blessed throughout the whole day. So here's a long due "Thank you!" to everyone who took the time and effort to wish this girl a happy start after a second decade done.

I got into a messy argument with a friend that night. It was not how I imagined my twenties to start, but God only knows what good intentions were put into my actions.
This is all I'm saying about the cause of the state of shock that took over me for the better part of the three days that followed.

I couldn't stay there. I needed to pull my act together both for college, and for a moment I awaited a long long time, the closing ceremony of a civil society project I'd been working on since last July.

When that moment came along, I was very proud of the work my team and I put into the project, and the incredible outcome that I saw in the eyes of everyone, whether staff or participants. Each "thank you" I received reminded me of how much of a privilege it is to be able to help people reach a better understanding of their potentials. And of the impact that the experience, and each and every one I worked with has left in me.

I took a leap of faith to do somethong I always wanted to do, which is sing alone in English in front of a large group of people. I have performed alone before through acting, and I'm already a member of a choir group in my church, but this experience is completely different. I know I don't have the nicest, strongest voice out there, but I also know that a deeply felt song is almost always well-received.
So, I picked "Fix You" by Coldplay. It's a song I truly love. It holds dear memories to me and it's somewhat popular. And I got up there on the stage of the Great Hall in the Bibliotheca Alexandrina, in front of over a thousand people, and sang it.
I wouldn't lie and say I was afraid, because I wasn't. But having tried that feeling is still a big experience for me. I enjoyed that moment despite all the background noise in my head that had my feelings blurred and distorted for the previous few days. I had fun.

So, to wrap it all up, I need to work on my ability to properly react on time. I remember vividly how each situation leaves me feeling, but I need to allow these feelings to show up like they used to.

The Lie of Growing up

Yep. It's a lie.
People grow tired, grow apart, grow indifferent, but never grow "up".
It was a term coined for growing old, but getting old does not necessitate "up"-grading your status as a human being. In fact, most people get older without changing much of their personality, most likely acquired throughout their childhood and teenage years. They "grow" one of the aforementioned things, but never "up."

I know I sound stupid/too philosophical, but try and hear me out for a second. How many of us are living a life now that is basically an incarnation of our parents' hopes for us when they were kids?
Alright, these are the unlucky bunch.
Now, how many of us are living "their dream"? Lucky people, eh?
Well, looks like both are trapped now in the expectations that held them as little kids, whether their parents' or theirs. Which is unfortunate, I mean, it only proves that none of us has really grown up, and that who we are now is a larger, less excited, less intuitive version of ourselves as kids. One that's more prone to illness and mental instability. One that has loved and lost, experienced innumerable disappointments, inflicted pain and was afflicted by it; a shattered version of our true selves.

If that's what growing up means, it should have been called "growing anything-else-but-up".

Innocence

Why do I always wish I could get younger?
I find a million reasons crammed inside my tiny head, ranging from things as superficial as the fine lines on my forehead I've been getting since I turned 16, to the depths of wanting to do over whole experiences that stole parts of my faith in the world and in myself...
A big reason comes to mind, though. It's the innocence we all lose as part of growing up.
Some people define innocence as not having committed any faults; being blameless. Others define it as not knowing evils of the world; being pure-hearted and maybe a little naive. Although I find myself gravitating towards the second definition, I sure know where the first argument is coming from. But having been indoctrinated since I was a little child that shutting out evil is the best way to avoid committing it, it's still hard for me to accept that evil thoughts are not a sin if they were aborted and not turned into sinful acts.

Innocence is an elusive value. Everyone has found out in their own way that once it's lost it can never be found again. Some still try to get it back, hopelessly so, even when all their desperate attempts fail miserably. While some still go out of their way to get rid of it, as if it was some kind of rookie marking that shows they weren't "experienced" enough.

I know whoever seeks innocence does so as a last refuge from guilt. I know guilt is a destructive feeling as I've seen its effect on so many people including myself. It eats away the heart and mind of the person experiencing it, leaving the remnant torn and in a helpless state. I know how a soul longs for liberation from the control of despair, and how the slightest glimpse of hope and acceptance shines so brightly like the light at the end of the tunnel. I know all that because I've seen it.
But I also know that look in the eyes of the old and wise, who know that all still tumble and get their innocence robes filthy. They know it's the course of all humanity, it's inevitable. They chuckle at the sight of a person still trying to save their image of the world and of their self unharmed, fighting the scarring and disturbing experiences they go through.
It's disheartening...

I have one last question: If losing innocence is the final destination, why take the long, hard way there?

All The Same

         "So if we're casting stones
          If we've forgotten what we know
          That we don't walk alone in this life
          Let your love get inside our bones
          May it deep within us grow
          May we bring in the ones left outside"

 These lines are from a song that's become dear to my heart lately, it's called All The Same by tenth avenue north (you can listen to it below the lyrics).
 What does this have to do with this post?
 I've been visited by this thought so much lately, that we spend so much time condemning others who have different beliefs or act according to a different code of manners that we forget to hold ourselves accountable for anything we do. We always seem to search for where the other person's wrong and magnify their faults so big that we think our own faults don't show. We refuse to give grace. We choose to judge according to differences and never try to "walk a mile in their shoes."

We're all humans, all the same. Every single one of us is struggling with something, no matter how big or small. We think that being secretive about our flaws and past mistakes, while casting stones on others' flaws and mistakes, will somehow work.

But you know, this is contradictory to basic logic.
Am I supposed to expect others to forgive me if I don't forgive them? Am I better? More favored in God's eyes for a special thing in me? Was I born with extra credit for having a special set of genes that give me superiority over another person?
Am I better than that person who chose to insult me and talk about my religion in a demeaning way just because it's different from his?

No.
Actually, I might be worse!

The moment a person starts believing he would "never ever ever!" do something, the same person walks into a danger zone of alleged infallibility. I'm not beyond judging a person because he's different from me. In fact, I've done it over and over before. On my own I'm fragile and prone to fall into so many pits and holes; it's God's grace and mercy that keeps me from being a thing I might hate.

So, I'm not offended by what that person said*. I believe he thought there was a very good reason behind that comment he made about my religion.
I forgive, because I want to be forgiven.


*Translation of that comment he made into English:
Do you really believe that strange religion of yours (Christianity)?! It is wrong and unconvincing! I wonder how some minds believe these myths and absurdity you call your religion!
I advise you against being a follower for what you found yourself born into. Use your brain to reach what's right.

Nineteen

It feels so weird, too old for the age I long felt stuck in...I always picture myself 16.
I'm not even sure if it's too soon or should have been sooner.
I mean, I take a look at my life now and wonder "When the heck did I grow so old?" Then I look back on every single event, detail, blessing and disaster that took my life and completely altered it over the course of the past 19 years, and I realize that it's 30 years worth of life events I've lived so far!
I don't know whether I should be happy or upset about it.
I do know I'm happy with the over-whelming love I received from almost everyone I know. I feel so blessed by how so many people who are not even this close to me are being nice enough to say such sweet things! But I also know that my birthday is not everyday, and growing up will eventually show its crappy side sooner rather than later. Sigh...
I'm confused about so many things right now, trying to set priorities for my life has never looked to difficult!
I'll just keep praying and talking to God about the mess I call my life for now. It felt much better not having to carry around the weight of my life and trusting Him, before I started taking matters into my own hands.
#GloomiestBirthdayBlogPostEver :/

I'm back

I've been away from the blog for almost two months now. These two months have shaped a good chunk of my future life. I became much more distant from myself in the process. I stopped paying attention to my actions and started to to be a little more "spontaneous", but this kind of spontaneity is not meant for my type of personality.
This blog was kind of an outlet for my feelings and thoughts. Although I thought I could easily substitute the time I gave myself to contemplate and analyze the situations I go through, with casual conversations with people who are close to me...turns out it's impossible. I'm not against opening up to my close friends, I just started to appreciate my "alone time" more now that I don't get enough of it.
I'll try to make my blog posts a regular activity, they allow me a wider space to focus and think about things I'm going through in my life, one thing at a time. Also, I've missed how good it felt to just pour my thoughts into words and formulate them into ideas and then actions. Guess I do lose part of my originality every time I don't give myself the chance to re-center and process the people and situations I go through!
I'll turn 19 next week, and I'll celebrate by reading the blog posts I've written throughout the past year to see how much I've changed. I used to think change was a bad thing, then a good thing, now I know it's just natural.
I'll see if I could give the blog a bit of a revamp, too...celebrating change :)

Compromise

Getting adjusted to adult life is tough, especially now that I'm done with high school and in the process of choosing my academic future, regarding university and such. I'm currently torn between two different paths. Either commit to scientific study and study pharmacy or dentistry, or follow my true passion and study journalism and writing, or even major in English language and literature.
Now, where I live, making a living is a form of torture. But as a girl, I'm spared some of the sentence because I am to rely on my "future husband" to provide for me. I know this goes against everything I believe in, from gender equality to independence to just plain common sense, but let's face it, I'm not sure whether or not I'll still be living where I am when I get older, so I need to work for the future, and not just my "marital" future!
Where the heck does the title of the post fit in?
I'll tell ya! I am trying to figure out what path I should take to the point where it comes to compromise.
Elaboration? Sure.
Choosing the medical/ scientific field means getting a job, respect from society, working countless hours in an exhausting field, money ($$$!) AND my mama and daddy to be proud of me.
While "following my heart" and choosing to major in English or journalism means: having to live on a dorm, struggling with finances as I won't get a job that easily, being equaled with people who did not choose to major in those, but rather got stuck with not having a high enough credit (or an overall score)....and I'd still make my parents proud.
As the mature adult I am -disregarding the fact that I'm only 18- I'm stomped. I have absolutely no idea what is a better future for me. I get the fact that I do not necessarily have to work with the BSc/BA I'll receive, but I don't want to do "crappily" in college either! I wan't to enjoy the learning process as much as I want to enjoy my 9 to 5 job.
I still have to work on my ability to compromise, whether I am compromising safety by studying away from home and having to live on my own, or comfort by choosing a job that will absolutely break my back, or my dream of working with words and ideas rather than chemicals and teeth (yuck!).
I'm not sure what I should choose now, I ask for advice just to find myself getting more baffled and lost. But I'm quite positive that God has a great plan for me, even if that plan means I'll have no future career at all. I trust Him, and I know I'll be just fine.  (: