The Lie of Growing up

Yep. It's a lie.
People grow tired, grow apart, grow indifferent, but never grow "up".
It was a term coined for growing old, but getting old does not necessitate "up"-grading your status as a human being. In fact, most people get older without changing much of their personality, most likely acquired throughout their childhood and teenage years. They "grow" one of the aforementioned things, but never "up."

I know I sound stupid/too philosophical, but try and hear me out for a second. How many of us are living a life now that is basically an incarnation of our parents' hopes for us when they were kids?
Alright, these are the unlucky bunch.
Now, how many of us are living "their dream"? Lucky people, eh?
Well, looks like both are trapped now in the expectations that held them as little kids, whether their parents' or theirs. Which is unfortunate, I mean, it only proves that none of us has really grown up, and that who we are now is a larger, less excited, less intuitive version of ourselves as kids. One that's more prone to illness and mental instability. One that has loved and lost, experienced innumerable disappointments, inflicted pain and was afflicted by it; a shattered version of our true selves.

If that's what growing up means, it should have been called "growing anything-else-but-up".

Compromise

Getting adjusted to adult life is tough, especially now that I'm done with high school and in the process of choosing my academic future, regarding university and such. I'm currently torn between two different paths. Either commit to scientific study and study pharmacy or dentistry, or follow my true passion and study journalism and writing, or even major in English language and literature.
Now, where I live, making a living is a form of torture. But as a girl, I'm spared some of the sentence because I am to rely on my "future husband" to provide for me. I know this goes against everything I believe in, from gender equality to independence to just plain common sense, but let's face it, I'm not sure whether or not I'll still be living where I am when I get older, so I need to work for the future, and not just my "marital" future!
Where the heck does the title of the post fit in?
I'll tell ya! I am trying to figure out what path I should take to the point where it comes to compromise.
Elaboration? Sure.
Choosing the medical/ scientific field means getting a job, respect from society, working countless hours in an exhausting field, money ($$$!) AND my mama and daddy to be proud of me.
While "following my heart" and choosing to major in English or journalism means: having to live on a dorm, struggling with finances as I won't get a job that easily, being equaled with people who did not choose to major in those, but rather got stuck with not having a high enough credit (or an overall score)....and I'd still make my parents proud.
As the mature adult I am -disregarding the fact that I'm only 18- I'm stomped. I have absolutely no idea what is a better future for me. I get the fact that I do not necessarily have to work with the BSc/BA I'll receive, but I don't want to do "crappily" in college either! I wan't to enjoy the learning process as much as I want to enjoy my 9 to 5 job.
I still have to work on my ability to compromise, whether I am compromising safety by studying away from home and having to live on my own, or comfort by choosing a job that will absolutely break my back, or my dream of working with words and ideas rather than chemicals and teeth (yuck!).
I'm not sure what I should choose now, I ask for advice just to find myself getting more baffled and lost. But I'm quite positive that God has a great plan for me, even if that plan means I'll have no future career at all. I trust Him, and I know I'll be just fine.  (:

Turning Away

It's been a long while since I last posted on here, the truth is that my mind was completely in a block. I wanted to post, but had no idea what to write. But I was just thinking about this thing 2 days ago, and I felt the need to share it...
The thing is that I noticed this pattern I go through when I'm "in love." Not necessarily with someone, but even when I'm in love with something. When it comes to things, I like to call them a temporary obsession of mine, because I know this "love" will fade away quite fast. The real problem is when it comes to a person, a real person.
You can't develop an interest in a person, let them consume your thoughts and energy, hang by a word they say, feel a deep affection for what they are and what they represent to you, just to find yourself suddenly repulsed by them. It happened to me, it still happens to me. It's like at a moment your whole life revolves around someone, but after a few months, you feel like you never even wanted to know them!
I realize that people are not paper towels. I can't just use one and dispose of them after I'm done. I also realize that there's something seriously wrong with me. Of course, those people are not saints who never do me wrong or hurt me or push me away, but neither am I. I can't just develop deep emotions this fast to just throw them to the wind the minute I'm not comfortable anymore.
I also realized that I can't blame people for what I do to them. For example: I stop calling a certain friend for 5 weeks, but then I feel this sudden storm of rage pounding on my mind saying this isn't a real friend for not calling me that long. I tried to medicate this by revealing what I was thinking to said friend. the answer I got was nothing but sensible, he said: "I was thinking the same thing, I was just waiting for you to go on and call first." Shoot! That was awkward, and even if he were lying, and he didn't really care (which isn't true, I checked later) it was still, equally, my fault.

I came to know a part of my being is still a little kid. And I do not mean this in a good way!
Remember when you kept nagging your parents for that toy at the store or in the commercials that you wanted so bad. You said your happiness depended on it. They listened and got you the toy...
But then what?! Another commercial aired, you felt like your happiness depended on The New Toy (I capitalized on purpose). So?!
See, this is a never ending loop, it just goes on and on and on. I think I need serious help with commitment, patience, tolerance, trust and other issues that I'm really struggling with right now.
I'm praying for now. I just got tired of being like this. Unless you suffer from the same problem, you'll never know what it feels like to pour your heart so into something/ someone, then just get bored, of everything and everyone. I go on and find new people and new things, to just repeat the cycle again.
I figured for some time that not caring too much will be the answer, turns out I wasn't caring enough. I hurt people I loved and cared about, and still care about. I got hurt a lot from what I'm doing. It wasn't quite the right answer...
I just wish I could know what causes me to turn away, is it people/ things changing? is it knowing too much about them? Is it the fact that I realize I gave them undeserved attention? Is it a means of twisted self discipline?
I'm not even sure I made sense in this post, I just needed to get this off my chest...
If you believe in prayers, pray for me, please!

Worn...

So, I wake up again, scrubbing my eyes and wishing the day to be over already...

I wrote this sentence in an earlier post describing how I had been feeling most of the time lately. What I didn't know is that there's this song that echoes exactly what I felt like. I've written it in bold font in the lyrics below, listen to the song by clicking on the play button :)
Here it is,
Worn by tenth avenue north:

Lyrics:
I’m tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world

And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

My prayers are wearing thin
And I’m worn
Even before the day begins
I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn

Though I’m worn
Yeah I’m worn

Only difference is that Mike Donehey phrased it beautifully, with a great melody and a great singing ability, not much difference from what you're getting here ;)
However, I'll continue blurting out what I feel in need to say. It's therapeutic. And to whomever is reading this, you should do that too!
Yeah...

EDIT (March 15th, 2013): This song holds so much more meaning and beauty than I posted on here almost 3 months ago. I guess I didn't listen beyond my own words when it came to it. It's now I pray that "All that's dead inside can be reborn." Because there's alot that's dead inside...
I will not delete this, I just wanted to add what I thought of my post for now.
Peace to you :)

Can't Erase It

(click the play button to listen to the song :) )

Follow the crowd and love everybody now
'Cause love is the best thing for you now
But you changed your mind, you let everybody down
But down is the best place for you
It's easier that way,
You know it's

So wrong, can't embrace it
Wish sometimes for any other you
But you can't erase it, and you won't escape it

Don't waste your time
Your words only confine you
To all of the things you've buried now
Don't ask them why
Their wisdom will leave you blind
But blind is the best place for you
It's easier I know,
You know it's

So wrong, can't embrace it
Wish sometimes for any other you
But you can't erase it, and you won't escape it

How long will you face it
Till the wait comes crashing down on you
'Cause you can't erase it, and you won't escape it 

I decided to begin the post with this song because, well, it's so true! First of all, it's been a while since I posted on here, or been online at all actually. I've been very busy with school that it didn't leave me time to do virtually anything beside study and sleep. I've been sick for about 3 weeks to a month now, but I think I'm getting better. Anyway, back to the song... I won't be lying if I said that feeling pressed is nowadays the norm, not just for me, but for everybody else around me as well. "You have to" is probably the one thing I hear the most now from my parents, teachers, family...etc. What's that have to do with the song, you ask?! Well, it's pretty obvious that it's about expectations let down, plans gone awry and overall failure to accomplish anything. Which, by the way, is what I feel I've done to everyone around me now. I'm studying to get my GCSEs this year, which is the final high school year or 12th grade. I'm working my butt off so I could get good grades, minimum hours of sleep, no going out, no wasting time, no friends, no nothing!
But lately I have realized that this way I'm killing myself. As I mentioned earlier I'm getting sick a lot, my spirit is not exactly high, even with my friends it's not the same, I'm losing motivation to go on. Part of me says that I can do it, get over all the crap and kick some butt, the other says that even so, I'll still be a loser, that doing something with my life is impossible, that I'm supposed to be average, nothing is special about me nor am I capable of doing something important. These negative thoughts have taken their toll on me. I began doubting whether I could go on or not. But I try to shed them off whenever possible, talk to someone I trust, take their advice, motivate myself, cook something delish, this sort of stuff works.
However, the best I feel is when I'm talking to God about what's bugging me. It's very relieving to know that someone's watching over you even when nobody around you does, this makes me feel so grateful, happy, satisfied. Knowing that amidst the frustrations, the let downs, the falling outs, there's still someone who cares for you, not for what you've done or about to do, but for you...just you.
So, I wake up again, scrubbing my eyes and wishing the day to be over already, I might mess up big time, make someone mad at me, lose my mind over something stupid...but in the end C'est La Vie, and I can't erase it!