Turning Away

It's been a long while since I last posted on here, the truth is that my mind was completely in a block. I wanted to post, but had no idea what to write. But I was just thinking about this thing 2 days ago, and I felt the need to share it...
The thing is that I noticed this pattern I go through when I'm "in love." Not necessarily with someone, but even when I'm in love with something. When it comes to things, I like to call them a temporary obsession of mine, because I know this "love" will fade away quite fast. The real problem is when it comes to a person, a real person.
You can't develop an interest in a person, let them consume your thoughts and energy, hang by a word they say, feel a deep affection for what they are and what they represent to you, just to find yourself suddenly repulsed by them. It happened to me, it still happens to me. It's like at a moment your whole life revolves around someone, but after a few months, you feel like you never even wanted to know them!
I realize that people are not paper towels. I can't just use one and dispose of them after I'm done. I also realize that there's something seriously wrong with me. Of course, those people are not saints who never do me wrong or hurt me or push me away, but neither am I. I can't just develop deep emotions this fast to just throw them to the wind the minute I'm not comfortable anymore.
I also realized that I can't blame people for what I do to them. For example: I stop calling a certain friend for 5 weeks, but then I feel this sudden storm of rage pounding on my mind saying this isn't a real friend for not calling me that long. I tried to medicate this by revealing what I was thinking to said friend. the answer I got was nothing but sensible, he said: "I was thinking the same thing, I was just waiting for you to go on and call first." Shoot! That was awkward, and even if he were lying, and he didn't really care (which isn't true, I checked later) it was still, equally, my fault.

I came to know a part of my being is still a little kid. And I do not mean this in a good way!
Remember when you kept nagging your parents for that toy at the store or in the commercials that you wanted so bad. You said your happiness depended on it. They listened and got you the toy...
But then what?! Another commercial aired, you felt like your happiness depended on The New Toy (I capitalized on purpose). So?!
See, this is a never ending loop, it just goes on and on and on. I think I need serious help with commitment, patience, tolerance, trust and other issues that I'm really struggling with right now.
I'm praying for now. I just got tired of being like this. Unless you suffer from the same problem, you'll never know what it feels like to pour your heart so into something/ someone, then just get bored, of everything and everyone. I go on and find new people and new things, to just repeat the cycle again.
I figured for some time that not caring too much will be the answer, turns out I wasn't caring enough. I hurt people I loved and cared about, and still care about. I got hurt a lot from what I'm doing. It wasn't quite the right answer...
I just wish I could know what causes me to turn away, is it people/ things changing? is it knowing too much about them? Is it the fact that I realize I gave them undeserved attention? Is it a means of twisted self discipline?
I'm not even sure I made sense in this post, I just needed to get this off my chest...
If you believe in prayers, pray for me, please!

Merry Christmas!

Alright, it's not really Christmas Eve for me. My Coptic Orthodox Christian Christmas is actually on Jan. 7th. So, I will just be nice and go along with this.
Christmas, what a wonderful season it is. It marks the whole winter with its characteristic symbols. You just can't help but picture winter with all the pretty lights, red and green, Christmas tree theme going on. At least I can't. But I've come to realize my expectations are getting lower by the day. I no longer get so excited for the holidays as I did when I was a little kid. The pure joy I got from rain, frosty weather and family gatherings is no more. I'm not saying I am depressed or unhappy or whatever, I'm not. It's just that days take away the excitement I used to experience as a kid with the holidays approaching. They were such a big deal for me, and now I'm completely indifferent.
However, as I fail to be so very "festive" I try to focus on what matters to me most this season, God. Last year my prayer was to stop being so materialistic and to think of what truly matters which is Jesus' birth . I can say it came through. My thoughts cling to Him more than anything now. Even the silly Mayan 2012 prophecy brought me closer to Him, and for this I am grateful.

Music I am listening to now:
Here's the first, a song by "tenth avenue north". I see it as a prayer to stop clinging to "All The Pretty Things" and put our lives in God's hands. It's perfect when all that's on our minds is gifts and food and clothes and such. It always lifts my sight to the sky, to heaven where I belong :)

All The Pretty Things by tenth avenue north:

Lyrics:
We are, we are, we're caught in the in between
Of who we already are and who we are yet to be
And we're looking for love but finding we're still in need
It's only what we have lost will we be allowed to keep

And we're waiting but our eyes are wandering
To all this earth holds dear

Look at all the pretty things
That steal my heart away
I can feel I'm fading
'Cause Lord I love so many things
That keep me from Your face
Come and save me

We run we run to finally be set free
But we're fighting for what we've already received

So we're waiting but our eyes are wandering
To all this earth holds dear

Look at all the pretty things
That steal my heart away
I can feel I'm fading
'Cause Lord I love so many things
That keep me from Your face
Come and save me

We are we are caught in the in between
But we're fighting for what we already have received
We are we are caught in the in between
But we're fighting for what we already have received

Look at all the pretty things
That steal my heart away
I can feel I'm fading
'Cause Lord I love so many things
That keep me from Your face
Come and save me 

Yup, pretty powerful song, It's not gifts that are important this time of the year, it's JESUS' birth!

What echoes this sentiment is another song by a quite surprising artist, Taylor Swift. She wrote a song called "Christmas Must Be Something More" which I really like as it captures the whole idea. Here it is.

Christmas Must Be Something More by Taylor Swift:

Lyrics:
What if ribbons and bows didn't mean a thing
Would the song still survive without 5 golden rings
Would you still wanna kiss without mistletoe
What would happen if God never let it snow
What would happen if Christmas Carols told a lie
Tell me what you would find

You'd say that today holds something special
Something holy and not superficial
So here's to the birthday boy who saved our lives
It's something we all try to ignore
And put a wreath up on your door
So here's something you should know that is for sure
Christmas must be something more

What if angels did not pay attention to
All the things that we wish they would always do
What if happiness came in a cardboard box
Then I'd think there was something we all forgot
What would happen if presents all went away
Tell me what would you find

You'd say that today holds something special
Something holy and not superficial
So here's to the birthday boy who saved our lives
It's something we all try to ignore
And put a wreath up on your door
So here's something you should know that is for sure
Christmas must be something more

We get so caught up in all of it
Business and relationships
100 mile an hour lives
And it's this time of year
And everybody's here
It seems the last thing on your mind

Is that today holds something special
Something holy and not superficial
So here's to Jesus Christ  who saved our lives
It's something we all try to ignore
And put a wreath up on your door
So here's something you should know that is for sure
Christmas must be something (x2)
Christmas must be something more
There's gotta be more








I promise to try to be more Christmas-y the next time I'm posting. 
Merry Christmas! :)

Mood Swings

I admit it, I've been acting like a total 4 year-old this week. The week began terribly with having to spend a whole day outside. I hate the outdoors!! It was pure torture for me. But then it was finding out the results of two quizzes I had taken the week before. Oh God, did I mess up! I was appalled, mostly of myself, I didn't even think I could do this bad. I was a complete wreck by Tuesday.
I have no idea what happened, but suddenly it all went better. Like when you give some candy to the aforementioned 4 year-old after crying hysterically. It probably has something to do with a pep talk given to me by a friend, I was like: "That's it, I'm done"...but then she was like: "Get up on your feet and just don't give a crap about it!" I NEEDED this!
The next day I had yet another quiz, physics this time. I felt pretty terrible before it, but after it was done...well, it was done anyway.
And I hit rock bottom again. A person with whom I've been friends for some time posted on facebook what implies that they just don't care anymore, about anything or anyone (pretty sure it's me at this case). I was angry, for I've been trying to reach out to this person while they just don't. I never wanted it to be like this, it hurts just to talk about it
 Since I decided not to give a crap about anything either, I tried to get my mind off of it. Let me tell you, listening to Gangnam Style by Psy does help, I was just laughing my butt off like an idiot :D
The soundtrack to the week is VERY diverse, ranging from slow, moody, melancholic songs, to upbeat, energetic pop. I'm the kind of girl who listens to Jars Of Clay and Taylor Swift, and I don't think I'd want to change that :))
So, here are the songs that stuck with me. They're on the two sides of the spectrum, but to me they're all good music.

P.s. to listen to any of the songs just click on the play button under the title :)

1. Headphones by Jars Of Clay:

Lyrics:
I don't have to hear it, if I don't want to
I can drown this out, pull the curtains down on you
It's a heavy world, it's too much for me to care
If I close my eyes, it's not there

With my headphones on, with my headphones on
With my headphones on, with my headphones on

We watch television...but the sound is something else
Just a song played against the drama, so the hurt is never felt
I take in the war-fires, and I'm chilled by the current events
It's so hopeless, but there's a pop song in my

Headphones on, in my headphones on
With my headphones on, with my headphones on

At the Tube Stop, you sit down across from me
(I can see you looking back at me)
I think I know you
By the sad eyes that I see
I want to tell you (It's a heavy world)
Everything will be okay
You wouldn't hear it (I don't want to have to hear it)
So we go our separate ways...

With our headphones on, with our headphones on
With our headphones on, with our headphones on
I don't wanna be the one who tries to figure it out
I don't need another reason I should care about you
You don't want to know my story
You don't want to own my pain
Living in a heavy, heavy world
And there's a pop song in my head
I don't want to have to hear it

2. Scenic Route also by Jars Of Clay:

Lyrics:
Don't turn your back on me
Or read in between my words
I'm trying to drag this out
Taking the scenic route

I know we could get there much faster if we wanted to
But that isn't what you and I came here to do

No nails to untie the knots
No veins left to take the shots
No touch to end a fight
Or letting who's wrong be right

We're just sitting like novels we've picked up but never read through
You think you know my ending, I think I know yours, too
You see, nowhere in these old conversations is there anything new

Even though we know the sun will rise
Every ray of light still takes us by, by surprise

Baby, leave it all behind
Baby, leave it all behind
Missed a road sign
I don't want to get home soon
Drive the car all the way around the moon
Baby, we could get lost
We have another state to cross
We could find each other out
Tell our secrets on the scenic route
I don't want to get home soon
Drive the car around the moon
I don't want to crush you or rush you
I'm not going faster if you want to and if you want to
I don't want to rush you or crush you
But I won't go faster if you want to
It's not what we came here to do
I just want to drive
I just want to drive
  
3. Red by Taylor Swift:
 

Lyrics:
Loving him is like driving a new Maserati down a dead end street
Faster than the wind, passionate as sin, ending so suddenly
Loving him is like trying to change your mind once you’re already flying through the free fall
Like the colors in autumn, so bright, just before they lose it all

Losing him was blue, like I’ve never known
Missing him was dark grey, all alone
Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met
But loving him was red
Loving him was red

Touching him was like realizing all you ever wanted was right there in front of you
Memorizing him was as easy as knowing all the words to your old favorite song
Fighting with him was like trying to solve a crossword and realizing there’s no right answer
Regretting him was like wishing you’d never found out that love could be that strong

Losing him was blue, like I’ve never known
Missing him was dark grey, all alone
Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met
But loving him was red

Oh, red
Burning red

Remembering him comes in flashbacks, in echoes
Tell myself it’s time now, gotta let go
But moving on from him is impossible when I still see it all in my head
Burning red
Loving him was red

Oh, losing him was blue, like I’ve never known
Missing him was dark grey, all alone
Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met
‘Cause loving him was red
Yeah, yeah red
Burning red

And that’s why he’s spinning round in my head
Comes back to me, burning red
Yeah, yeah
His love was like driving a new Maserati down a dead end street

That's it peeps, the stuff I needed to blurt out. I shall go back to being buried alive in books, praying it would all pay off in the end.

Peace, Love and Longing for Perfection :)