Turning Away

It's been a long while since I last posted on here, the truth is that my mind was completely in a block. I wanted to post, but had no idea what to write. But I was just thinking about this thing 2 days ago, and I felt the need to share it...
The thing is that I noticed this pattern I go through when I'm "in love." Not necessarily with someone, but even when I'm in love with something. When it comes to things, I like to call them a temporary obsession of mine, because I know this "love" will fade away quite fast. The real problem is when it comes to a person, a real person.
You can't develop an interest in a person, let them consume your thoughts and energy, hang by a word they say, feel a deep affection for what they are and what they represent to you, just to find yourself suddenly repulsed by them. It happened to me, it still happens to me. It's like at a moment your whole life revolves around someone, but after a few months, you feel like you never even wanted to know them!
I realize that people are not paper towels. I can't just use one and dispose of them after I'm done. I also realize that there's something seriously wrong with me. Of course, those people are not saints who never do me wrong or hurt me or push me away, but neither am I. I can't just develop deep emotions this fast to just throw them to the wind the minute I'm not comfortable anymore.
I also realized that I can't blame people for what I do to them. For example: I stop calling a certain friend for 5 weeks, but then I feel this sudden storm of rage pounding on my mind saying this isn't a real friend for not calling me that long. I tried to medicate this by revealing what I was thinking to said friend. the answer I got was nothing but sensible, he said: "I was thinking the same thing, I was just waiting for you to go on and call first." Shoot! That was awkward, and even if he were lying, and he didn't really care (which isn't true, I checked later) it was still, equally, my fault.

I came to know a part of my being is still a little kid. And I do not mean this in a good way!
Remember when you kept nagging your parents for that toy at the store or in the commercials that you wanted so bad. You said your happiness depended on it. They listened and got you the toy...
But then what?! Another commercial aired, you felt like your happiness depended on The New Toy (I capitalized on purpose). So?!
See, this is a never ending loop, it just goes on and on and on. I think I need serious help with commitment, patience, tolerance, trust and other issues that I'm really struggling with right now.
I'm praying for now. I just got tired of being like this. Unless you suffer from the same problem, you'll never know what it feels like to pour your heart so into something/ someone, then just get bored, of everything and everyone. I go on and find new people and new things, to just repeat the cycle again.
I figured for some time that not caring too much will be the answer, turns out I wasn't caring enough. I hurt people I loved and cared about, and still care about. I got hurt a lot from what I'm doing. It wasn't quite the right answer...
I just wish I could know what causes me to turn away, is it people/ things changing? is it knowing too much about them? Is it the fact that I realize I gave them undeserved attention? Is it a means of twisted self discipline?
I'm not even sure I made sense in this post, I just needed to get this off my chest...
If you believe in prayers, pray for me, please!

Just like the movies

I had just finished reading a book of a story I had known so many years ago. That time, it was the way the writer intended it to sound like when the little voice in my head read it. I was so much moved by the way he described events, people and emotions. Those emotions! If only life in some way could imitate art, well, if only it were even possible for something like this to happen!

 I considered myself a very emotional person, yet in someway I got very good at hiding it. I got used to convincing myself that it's just a waste of time feeling something, or at least thinking about feeling something. That opening the door, or just leaving a little gap where light could enter, will wreck me eventually.

I grew tough. Tougher by the day. I even scare people away; looking so collected and so whole on your own is always a deal breaker.

I am deprived of emotions. I search inside of me for them but I fail to find enough of them for the people I handle everyday. If there are some left, they would be merely the remnant of what I once held inside of me.

Yet in my heart, still yearns the old me to the slightest glimpse of hope that someday I will be loved. This "embarrassing" side shows every time I witness an outpour of feelings. I'm not made of stone, apparently. And just as I try to make this side more obvious, I get laughed at for crying over a movie, or tearing up to a song, or just reacting to a gesture I thought was sincere towards me.

It is then when I pray the most that life would truly imitate art.

How have we become so poor on the inside? It's almost scandalous that it's impossible a man tells his lady that he loves her, without risking a million gazing eyes towards him. Even friends no longer make their loyalty a priority, for interest's sake! I lament where we've become. So bad that I pity myself instead of blaming it for where I have gone.

But then I'm bewildered, how on earth is life not like "the movies" when people who create movies are, well, alive?! From where would poets, authors or artists in general soak the vividness of their emotions? Don't they live on the same planet we live on? Why isn't it that we wonder from where we got all the stiffness, instead of pondering at their "mushiness"?

I admit that not all people are created equal, especially when it comes to feelings. But we could just try! We could just pray for more enlightenment when it comes to searching our souls within. I can't say that this is the answer. Truth is that I am still looking into it myself. I may never reach the shore when it comes to just this...

Known

I'm a pretty ambitious being. My last 18 years or so had been centered about being "someone famous" or "someone successful" or more simply "someone."
I always felt like I had something to do, connections to make, impressions to leave or even performances to master.
I started to learn or at least to try to pick my words ,so as to sound as sophisticated as possible, at 4.
I knew there was always someone who needed to be charmed with my wit and quick mind.
I had to "play the part."
It felt like a strong and convincing thing to just be famous, to have thousands or even millions of admirers rooting for my next big step. I dreamed out loud, making it so obvious that I wasn't shooting for the average, but for the stars.

Ironically, though I KNEW I had to be famous, I didn't even know what for. What would I offer my millions of adoring fans? What's so special about me that was so captivating? Why would anybody "love" me?
Truth is, it was just my selfishness crying out for attention. Believing I deserve to be famous. Not even bothering to think what I would add to this world. My goal was to get on stage, but I never knew what I would say then!!!
But recently, with the help of some great thoughts and some time to reflect upon them, I had my A-ha! moment (a la Oprah Winfrey) Getting exposed to the reality of being a Christian.
I need to die in order to live!
Dying, in the sense of being the hands and feet of Christ, following Him, bringing His words to my life, Living Him...
It became so clear to me: lose everything you are for everything Jesus is, this is how you become worthy of the Coming Kingdom!
Who I am is unworthy of anything, I am a self-absorbed sinner. However, Christ gave His life for me, dying on the cross to embrace me, telling me that I am His, I am marked with the blood of the Lamb of God!!
God is Holy, Beautiful, Miraculous, Amazing and Satisfying, and He knows me!
This is the truth that fills me.

"But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well"   (Matthew 6:33)

The New Year's prayer

The prayer I will be praying tonight at midnight:
Lord, bless my new year and fill it with Your presence.
Teach me to let go of my temporary pleasures that pull me away from You.
Fill me with You, Lord, and make me desire being with You only.
Quench my thirst of being something more than Your daughter, for whenever I yearn to this fading world's glory, I turn my sights away from Your everlasting love and sacrifice.
Remind me everyday that I am Yours, that my soul, body and mind belong to You.
Surround me with Your love, so when everyone abandons me and I feel alone, I would remember having You, so my hunger would be satisfied.
Kill my desire for attention.
Set my eyes to my eternal Home. Make it my ultimate goal to be with You forever.
Let my love for You, Lord, beat my fear of You as my motive to please You and to do Your will.


Bless my family, friends, neighbors and the entire world.
Let Your unfathomable peace and glory prevail.
Mend the hearts that have been broken.
Heal the torn and wounded, both spiritually and physically.
Bring hope to the hopeless, and give insight to those who need it.
Lead nations to Your righteousness, and direct the rulers' hearts to Your desire.
Give company to the lonely, and let the hearts that have suffered rejoice with Your love.
Unveil the truth to those who seek it from You. Invalidate all earthly wisdom that contradicts Yours.

"Our Father in heaven,

hallowed be your name.

Your kingdom come,

your will be done,

on earth as it is in heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread,

and forgive us our debts,

as we also have forgiven our debtors.

And lead us not into temptation,

but deliver us from evil."

By the name of Jesus Christ. For the kingdom, the power, and the glory are yours, forever and ever. Amen.

Worn...

So, I wake up again, scrubbing my eyes and wishing the day to be over already...

I wrote this sentence in an earlier post describing how I had been feeling most of the time lately. What I didn't know is that there's this song that echoes exactly what I felt like. I've written it in bold font in the lyrics below, listen to the song by clicking on the play button :)
Here it is,
Worn by tenth avenue north:

Lyrics:
I’m tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world

And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

My prayers are wearing thin
And I’m worn
Even before the day begins
I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn

Though I’m worn
Yeah I’m worn

Only difference is that Mike Donehey phrased it beautifully, with a great melody and a great singing ability, not much difference from what you're getting here ;)
However, I'll continue blurting out what I feel in need to say. It's therapeutic. And to whomever is reading this, you should do that too!
Yeah...

EDIT (March 15th, 2013): This song holds so much more meaning and beauty than I posted on here almost 3 months ago. I guess I didn't listen beyond my own words when it came to it. It's now I pray that "All that's dead inside can be reborn." Because there's alot that's dead inside...
I will not delete this, I just wanted to add what I thought of my post for now.
Peace to you :)