Abandonment

From innocent confessions in normal conversation that tell you exactly how little you matter to the other party, to long speeches of "it's not you, it's me" uttered to clear an unstable conscience before extinguishing any glimmer of hope that might exist of them staying. By now, I've learned that abandonment comes both when you least expect it and when you've been expecting it from the get go.

Some might call it a self-fulfilling prophecy, or acting to reflect your low standards, thus allowing people who step on your pride to leave and welcoming them back whenever they please. Well, I never thought of myself as privileged enough to act "heavy" or "hard to get"...I always thought this will add to the perception of me being a cutthroat bitch that I've been trying to shake for some time. I ask for a fraction of what I'm willing to give, and it always seems a little too much anyway.

There will always be unfavorable circumstances that get in the way of every meaningful human interaction, and when it comes to either fighting them or leaving, the easier option is always to leave. And I understand. I can't not understand. But I want to know what it feels like to be someone who's worth fighting for. It's desperate and pathetic and a little disgusting to blurt out, begging not to be taken for granted. I'm just a bit tired of being a form of excess, it wears down the soul to the point where it becomes a belief about oneself. And I don't want to believe that.

Life and Art

But then I'm bewildered, how on earth is life not like "the movies" when people who create movies are, well, alive?! From where would poets, authors or artists in general soak the vividness of their emotions? Don't they live on the same planet we live on? 

The quote presented above is from my blog, a post dated February 14th, 2013. I had just finished reading The Prisoner of Zenda for the first time in the original text, and I was quite surprised and deeply moved by how the author managed to describe the romance between the two characters; Rudolf Rassendyll and the Princess Flavia.

It was beautiful how he described how they wanted each other, missed each other's presence, and truly longed for a life together. However, they ended up apart...that was where I cried.

Here's an excerpt from the 21st chapter in that novel. It's dear to me because it truly made me see how my wish--quoted from my beloved Oscar Wilde--that "life would imitate art" have come true in a way I never suspected:

"I am mad!" I said sullenly.

"I love your madness, dear," she answered.

Her face was away from me, but I caught the sparkle of a tear on her cheek. 

"Is love the only thing?" she asked, in low, sweet tones that seemed to bring a calm even to my wrung heart. "If love were the only thing, I would follow you—in rags, if need be—to the world's end; for you hold my heart in the hollow of your hand! But is love the only thing?"

I made no answer. It gives me shame now to think that I would not help her.

"I know people write and talk as if it were. Perhaps, for some, Fate lets it be. Ah, if I were one of them!"

 As an answer to the questions in my blog quote, they soak that vividness from life. And yes, they do live on the same planet as us, and I was privileged enough to meet some of them, even more privileged to have the close friendship and affection of one.

An artist's heart is designed to clarify every single experience it goes through. It's made to reveal mysteries that lie in everyday encounters, show the tenderness behind crude behaviors, and give meaning to abstract emotions which are then universally related to and understood. Art is created to show us beauty even in presumed ugliness, it's a reminder that the human soul is far more complex and deep than materialistic needs or earthly aspirations. This art can touch you through a word well-placed when uttered, a note well-played, or a paintbrush that holds the right color and makes the right strokes. It's appreciated when it's placed before an eager eye or given to a hungry ear; the receptacles that are willing to deliver such exhilarating experience to another artist's soul...

Mood Swings

I admit it, I've been acting like a total 4 year-old this week. The week began terribly with having to spend a whole day outside. I hate the outdoors!! It was pure torture for me. But then it was finding out the results of two quizzes I had taken the week before. Oh God, did I mess up! I was appalled, mostly of myself, I didn't even think I could do this bad. I was a complete wreck by Tuesday.
I have no idea what happened, but suddenly it all went better. Like when you give some candy to the aforementioned 4 year-old after crying hysterically. It probably has something to do with a pep talk given to me by a friend, I was like: "That's it, I'm done"...but then she was like: "Get up on your feet and just don't give a crap about it!" I NEEDED this!
The next day I had yet another quiz, physics this time. I felt pretty terrible before it, but after it was done...well, it was done anyway.
And I hit rock bottom again. A person with whom I've been friends for some time posted on facebook what implies that they just don't care anymore, about anything or anyone (pretty sure it's me at this case). I was angry, for I've been trying to reach out to this person while they just don't. I never wanted it to be like this, it hurts just to talk about it
 Since I decided not to give a crap about anything either, I tried to get my mind off of it. Let me tell you, listening to Gangnam Style by Psy does help, I was just laughing my butt off like an idiot :D
The soundtrack to the week is VERY diverse, ranging from slow, moody, melancholic songs, to upbeat, energetic pop. I'm the kind of girl who listens to Jars Of Clay and Taylor Swift, and I don't think I'd want to change that :))
So, here are the songs that stuck with me. They're on the two sides of the spectrum, but to me they're all good music.

P.s. to listen to any of the songs just click on the play button under the title :)

1. Headphones by Jars Of Clay:

Lyrics:
I don't have to hear it, if I don't want to
I can drown this out, pull the curtains down on you
It's a heavy world, it's too much for me to care
If I close my eyes, it's not there

With my headphones on, with my headphones on
With my headphones on, with my headphones on

We watch television...but the sound is something else
Just a song played against the drama, so the hurt is never felt
I take in the war-fires, and I'm chilled by the current events
It's so hopeless, but there's a pop song in my

Headphones on, in my headphones on
With my headphones on, with my headphones on

At the Tube Stop, you sit down across from me
(I can see you looking back at me)
I think I know you
By the sad eyes that I see
I want to tell you (It's a heavy world)
Everything will be okay
You wouldn't hear it (I don't want to have to hear it)
So we go our separate ways...

With our headphones on, with our headphones on
With our headphones on, with our headphones on
I don't wanna be the one who tries to figure it out
I don't need another reason I should care about you
You don't want to know my story
You don't want to own my pain
Living in a heavy, heavy world
And there's a pop song in my head
I don't want to have to hear it

2. Scenic Route also by Jars Of Clay:

Lyrics:
Don't turn your back on me
Or read in between my words
I'm trying to drag this out
Taking the scenic route

I know we could get there much faster if we wanted to
But that isn't what you and I came here to do

No nails to untie the knots
No veins left to take the shots
No touch to end a fight
Or letting who's wrong be right

We're just sitting like novels we've picked up but never read through
You think you know my ending, I think I know yours, too
You see, nowhere in these old conversations is there anything new

Even though we know the sun will rise
Every ray of light still takes us by, by surprise

Baby, leave it all behind
Baby, leave it all behind
Missed a road sign
I don't want to get home soon
Drive the car all the way around the moon
Baby, we could get lost
We have another state to cross
We could find each other out
Tell our secrets on the scenic route
I don't want to get home soon
Drive the car around the moon
I don't want to crush you or rush you
I'm not going faster if you want to and if you want to
I don't want to rush you or crush you
But I won't go faster if you want to
It's not what we came here to do
I just want to drive
I just want to drive
  
3. Red by Taylor Swift:
 

Lyrics:
Loving him is like driving a new Maserati down a dead end street
Faster than the wind, passionate as sin, ending so suddenly
Loving him is like trying to change your mind once you’re already flying through the free fall
Like the colors in autumn, so bright, just before they lose it all

Losing him was blue, like I’ve never known
Missing him was dark grey, all alone
Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met
But loving him was red
Loving him was red

Touching him was like realizing all you ever wanted was right there in front of you
Memorizing him was as easy as knowing all the words to your old favorite song
Fighting with him was like trying to solve a crossword and realizing there’s no right answer
Regretting him was like wishing you’d never found out that love could be that strong

Losing him was blue, like I’ve never known
Missing him was dark grey, all alone
Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met
But loving him was red

Oh, red
Burning red

Remembering him comes in flashbacks, in echoes
Tell myself it’s time now, gotta let go
But moving on from him is impossible when I still see it all in my head
Burning red
Loving him was red

Oh, losing him was blue, like I’ve never known
Missing him was dark grey, all alone
Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met
‘Cause loving him was red
Yeah, yeah red
Burning red

And that’s why he’s spinning round in my head
Comes back to me, burning red
Yeah, yeah
His love was like driving a new Maserati down a dead end street

That's it peeps, the stuff I needed to blurt out. I shall go back to being buried alive in books, praying it would all pay off in the end.

Peace, Love and Longing for Perfection :) 

Change

A lot has been happening to me recently, especially in the last couple of years. practically nothing I'd known about myself or about the people around me stayed the same. the way people treat me and the way I treat them back, my attitude towards certain subjects, my taste in music, even my appearance has changed. it's just a bit confusing to me, how can ALOT change in such a small period of time, is it even possible? or am I delusional? I have no idea.
I started thinking about this in the light of a friendship that started in summer 2011, it was amazing how much me and this friend had in common...we'd talk for hours and hours and not get bored, our likes and dislikes were almost identical, I even remember one time we had taken a quiz and we got the same score, the funny thing is that we got the same question wrong choosing the very same wrong choice! connecting with this friend was something special, we helped each other get through lots of rough times and we always counted on each other to be there.
However, it didn't stay this way. we kind or started drifting apart, we'd go for almost two weeks without chatting on Facebook or even saying hi. the weird thing is that when asked, this friend says it's just being busy that's keeping us apart and that we'd go back to our "norm" if we got the chance. I just simply don't get it. they say that if people want you in their lives they'd walk the distance to find you amidst their everyday business. I fear that we don't do this anymore. part of the blame surely lies on me, the problem is that I have some sort of a repulsive force against people, even the people I love the most, I'd say something stupid or insensitive and than they're gone, or even not say anything at all, because sometimes it's the only reason one wants to leave; not getting enough attention. I tried to start conversations, but I guess if the other half is unwilling to talk it will be completely fruitless.
The thing I fear the most is that I might be over-analyzing things, and that this person wants to be my friend as much as I do, it's just hard for me to watch people walk away from my life one after the other while questioning the reasons why, and doubting that I could be the problem in the first place.
Here's a song that pops into my head every time I think about this,

The Chronicles of Narnia Soundtrack - 01 - Jars of Clay - Waiting For the World to Fall
Lyrics:
I'm afraid it's been too long to try to find the reasons why
I let my world close in around a smaller patch of fading sky
But now I've grown beyond the walls to where I've never been
And it's still winter in my wonderland

I'm waiting for the world to fall
I'm waiting for the scene to change
I'm waiting when the colors come
I'm waiting to let my world come undone

I close my eyes and try to see the world unbroken underneath
The farther off and already it just might make the life I lead
A little more than make-believe when all my skies are painted blue
And the clouds don't ever change the shape of who I am to You

I'm waiting for the world to fall
I'm waiting for the scene to change
I'm waiting when the colors come
I'm waiting to let my world come undone

When I catch the light of falling stars my view is changing me
My view is changing me