Thoughts in the early (morning)

I'm lying on a couch at 5:43 am. I've only been awake since 8 pm last night, which felt like the early morning of my warped day.

I'm unhappy. The most unhappy I remember myself being in a long time. While I know the definite reasons for this unhappiness, I know how they came about and how my recklessness was a major part of that, I keep reminding myself that life's lows are life's lessons.

I can't write very well when I'm happy. I can write fairly well when I'm stable and indifferent, but not when I'm too excited or elated. I write quite well when I'm unhappy or lonely or even depressed and frustrated, and though it's been a while since I posted anything on here, I have been very active on other, more private platforms.Those keep safe the sides of my life that I wish to remain hidden, and also provide the venting I get from writing here.

Having a good memory and a knack for keeping "mementos" from each part of my journey through life had been two of the major things that feed my nostalgia. I would love to travel to the past if possible, but for now small trips down memory lanes suffice. But as of late, they also started to feed a sense of regret for all the times I know I should have acted differently, that could have most likely spared me my current "low." I know I just said right above that lows are lessons, but some lessons are best learned by observation, not trial. I know mending one's broken heart is hard to learn by just observing, but in the midst of all the pain, a few regrets make the red carpet appearance.

Being objective and telling myself I acted in a wrong way when I really should has not always been a merit of mine. I tend to either shake my mistakes off after correcting the done damage, or lie in this endless hole of shame and misery and absolute mortification, blaming my mistakes on my nature rather than my conscious (or unconscious) actions. I don't do self-accountability exactly right, which is a shame because I really need to learn how to.

I don't have a very healthy self-image. I work on that when I'm in a good place mentally and emotionally, but every once in a while a blow to my self-esteem causes me to try to rebuild what was shattered and broken down from the foundation rather than build on it. It gets disheartening at times, but I know it's worth the effort every time I look in the mirror and feel grateful for what I see.

I'm still rather emotionally inclined while making decisions. I appreciate it because it helped me maintain most of my current healthy relationships. It led me to some paths I wish to never tread again, but I'll count it as a blessing in today's solid, rational, materialistic world.

It's quite different for me writing this post, because contrary to my others on this blog, it doesn't revolve around an idea. It's just a bunch of stuff I wanted written down to remind me of my thought process during this time of my life. I'll try to be more frequent in writing on here, because frankly I need it more than anything right now. Although my other platforms which have been either private or anonymous offered some relief at time of need, I think it's about time I got back to being myself.

If you reached the end of this kind of irrelevant post, I truly thank you. Till next time!

Words

I've always wondered what my purpose in life was. I don't really know what makes me special, what people like about me, and why my existence is beneficial to other people. The thoughts that I'm inadequate, average, not special and at times a failure still haunt me and get the best of me at times. However and regardless of my person and my fallacies, I found my true gift that I can offer to humanity: my words.

My words may not be the flashiest or the most inspiring, they may not hold the deepest of meanings and the most divine of messages. After all, they're just words...
But my words come from a sincere place. They capture what I'm thinking and feeling and offer it on a silver plate to whomever is reading them. They're the essence of my being and the fruit of my experience, the only thing that I can't forge or fake; me.

I understand that by sharing my thoughts I'm making myself vulnerable and weak. But aren't we all just that? No matter how hard we try to conceal it and how special we seem, we're all that helpless little child that wants to feel safe and accepted, that seeks approval and love wherever they're found.

Words are a powerful tool and a sacred gift, but they're also all I have. So I'll keep on filling my soul till it pours out, and maybe the flood will quench some stranger's thirst.

They Told Me to: "Have A Life"

Okay, this is my very first "request post" on this blog. I have an Ask.fm account on which I receive questions about everything related to my very interesting life *sarcasm font*. It's a way to spend (or kill) time in my very interesting summer vacation. I received this question about my blog, which denotes the existence of an anonymous fan to this blog. Although I have about 3000 views already, I do not hear from anyone reading it except for some personal friends who offer their valuable feedback. So, I was very excited, to be honest. That "fan" did request I write about "Having a life". Here's how they requested it:

Ok then,there's some words that keeps echoing in my mind..."Have a life".you know,when someone spend his whole day on the internet chatting with his friends & playing facebook games he has to "have a life".I need you to write an article about this subject.how can someone have a life in your opinion?

 So, I will talk to you personally about the subject, pal. People think that having a life is to not spend your whole day on the interwebz? It sounds logical that spending time staring at a screen won't do you any good. I'll have to disagree there. Although our culture emphasizes the importance of having face to face communication and relationships with people, there are many many people who can not function properly in this system.
 You have shy people who are not willing to be the first to break the ice in a conversation. They normally fumble and hesitate to talk to people they've just met. Their only solution is to get to know these people first by having nice conversations on social media websites and trying to practice what will engage them better in a chat.
 Then you have gaming nerds, and nerd here is by no means an insult. These people love to spend their time living in a CGI world of their own. That's what they like to spend their time doing, so why rob them of this pleasure. Aren't they allowed to enjoy a fun game that does not require a physique they don't have? Or should they try and play on the field and get hurt, bruised and smashed by the "big kids".
 Our next category is by far my favorite, "The Coders". These people are the epitome of the human brain. I personally wish I were gifted with the ability to understand, yet memorize complex codes and protocols. These people are the "lifeless nerds" who allow you to own the latest and the greatest of technological contraptions. They spend countless hours staring at screens to develop and improve the quality of consumer electronics you take for granted. Aren't they missing out? Not a bit! You should see how Mark Zuckerberg is missing out with all the multi millions he has.
 I will speak of experience on the next one. I've been a literary geek since I was about 12. My favorite thing was to sit and read a book. And since I was an avid English literature reader, libraries and bookstores didn't help me much. What would I do, then? I'd search for free e-books and read them, read articles and blogs online...etc. This means that without my precious computer, I wouldn't have been able to keep this blog or write at all. So, if I were to choose whether to have "a life" or a computer...you know what I'd pick.

So, there ya go, pal! I'm sorry if this blog post doesn't go with what you think. After all, I keep this blog to express my humble opinions and rant about my personal issues.

Back When I was a Kid...

I was cleaning out a closet at home when I stumbled upon some pretty ancient stuff. The most remarkable loot from my raid was my 6th grade diary. That's right; the unedited, untouched version of who I was when I was 12. I read through all the times I was crushing on boys (whom I had not named, unfortunately!) The times I thought my parents didn't understand, and times when having exams actually mattered to me, lol! Let's just say that was a long while ago.
Why do I care so much about something as trivial as an elementary school diary, you ask? Well, first off I thought it was neat that it's kept its form for so long. Secondly, I like the idea of gazing to my thoughts when I was actually excited to become a teenager. My choice of vocabulary was still shaky, but I think I managed to get on pretty well (regarding that English is NOT my first language). I was relatively happy, ignoring the fact that I was bullied at school regularly. I had some deep thoughts and daydreams...of which I share with you:

April 16th, 2007

Dear Diary,
    Today i noticed that we must learn from wax. when it melts, it holds on together and becomes solid again. It's important to know that when we fall we can go up and hold on to be whatever we wanna be.

The rest of this diary entry was a rant about my mom yelling at me, how typical of a teenager!
Another excerpt from the diary, about being bullied, it was on 6th grade picture day. I remember not being told it was picture day because I was absent the day before, so I went there with a very "unusual" hairstyle for my frizzy, curly hair...and let's just say it didn't turn out so good with the peers...

April 19th, 2007

Dear Diary,
     I tied my hair in two ponytails today, some folk called me a "freaky child", I'm not a freak OR a child!

That was all I had to say about it, I guess I didn't understand what bullying was all about back then. And frankly, I didn't seem to mind and lived my life normally.

I liked them Disney princesses ;)

Okay, the next one is hilarious/kinda embarrassing. See, my first celebrity crush was Zac Efron, I was so in love with him! But then again, would I blame myself for it? Heeeeck NO!

April 21st, 2007
Dear Diary,
     I wish today I could meet Zac Efron himself, & write french. Someday, I'll do.
Writing french, not meeting Zacky, lol!

 And I did! I aced my french exam last year when I had to take french class. I guess with some determination it happened. Ya know, "Rien est impossible." ;)

I almost cried when seeing full diary entries about being so happy to turn thirteen, starting middle school, or getting A's...I like how pure and simple my mind was, even though I was rushing straight ahead into puberty and its miserable years, of feeling incompetent, not pretty enough, not popular enough, not strong enough...
I like this idea of a "time capsule" of my brain, you know, when you're older you can get all kinds of memories lost and replaced. So keeping them in a journal, diary or a blog is a perfect way to reminisce and analyze the contents of your brain at a certain age. Maybe this blog is some kind of diary for later use, so I could know what I was thinking and feeling and experiencing when I was 18.
Hope you enjoyed those small excerpts from my diary, which I allow absolutely no one to read.
You should feel special. :))