Thoughts in the early (morning)

I'm lying on a couch at 5:43 am. I've only been awake since 8 pm last night, which felt like the early morning of my warped day.

I'm unhappy. The most unhappy I remember myself being in a long time. While I know the definite reasons for this unhappiness, I know how they came about and how my recklessness was a major part of that, I keep reminding myself that life's lows are life's lessons.

I can't write very well when I'm happy. I can write fairly well when I'm stable and indifferent, but not when I'm too excited or elated. I write quite well when I'm unhappy or lonely or even depressed and frustrated, and though it's been a while since I posted anything on here, I have been very active on other, more private platforms.Those keep safe the sides of my life that I wish to remain hidden, and also provide the venting I get from writing here.

Having a good memory and a knack for keeping "mementos" from each part of my journey through life had been two of the major things that feed my nostalgia. I would love to travel to the past if possible, but for now small trips down memory lanes suffice. But as of late, they also started to feed a sense of regret for all the times I know I should have acted differently, that could have most likely spared me my current "low." I know I just said right above that lows are lessons, but some lessons are best learned by observation, not trial. I know mending one's broken heart is hard to learn by just observing, but in the midst of all the pain, a few regrets make the red carpet appearance.

Being objective and telling myself I acted in a wrong way when I really should has not always been a merit of mine. I tend to either shake my mistakes off after correcting the done damage, or lie in this endless hole of shame and misery and absolute mortification, blaming my mistakes on my nature rather than my conscious (or unconscious) actions. I don't do self-accountability exactly right, which is a shame because I really need to learn how to.

I don't have a very healthy self-image. I work on that when I'm in a good place mentally and emotionally, but every once in a while a blow to my self-esteem causes me to try to rebuild what was shattered and broken down from the foundation rather than build on it. It gets disheartening at times, but I know it's worth the effort every time I look in the mirror and feel grateful for what I see.

I'm still rather emotionally inclined while making decisions. I appreciate it because it helped me maintain most of my current healthy relationships. It led me to some paths I wish to never tread again, but I'll count it as a blessing in today's solid, rational, materialistic world.

It's quite different for me writing this post, because contrary to my others on this blog, it doesn't revolve around an idea. It's just a bunch of stuff I wanted written down to remind me of my thought process during this time of my life. I'll try to be more frequent in writing on here, because frankly I need it more than anything right now. Although my other platforms which have been either private or anonymous offered some relief at time of need, I think it's about time I got back to being myself.

If you reached the end of this kind of irrelevant post, I truly thank you. Till next time!

Social Networks & Social Insecurity

I initially thought of writing this as a Facebook post, I don't know why, but I have seemingly forgotten I have a blog. It's been over a month since I posted on here. This particular month witnessed tons of changes in my life, the first of which is that I got accepted into college! I also went on vacation, made a few new friends, and had fights with old ones, then reconciled with them...or whatnot.
I'll get to the point of the post. I believe every human being on the face of this earth suffers from some kind of insecurity. Be it their appearance, intelligence, sociability, people they're related to...etc. What truly differentiates calm, collected people, from panicky, freaked out people is their ability to manage their insecurities. Some people like to hide how they feel towards the points of lack or weakness they have, while others make it more obvious, whether to earn people's sympathy, to justify their failings or any other reason I might not be aware of. Though genetics may have a hand in the level of insecurity one has, I'm a firm believer that their surroundings are responsible for the majority of the problems this insecurity causes. Social networks are guilty of being a big part of it. Remember that one time when you were home, bored, sitting on your couch in sweat pants, and you decide to check your Facebook, only to see pictures of your friends smiling, happy, on vacation, triumphant and with a partner. While you feel lonely, lost, a failure, bored and alone. Remember how it made you feel to watch an insane sum of "likes" on your classmate's, colleague's or friend's picture, while yours only has a handful? I'll tell you what I felt like then: an outsider, dissatisfied with what I own, unpopular, ugly, not enough, repulsive, alien...oh, the list goes on.
I once thought that people would treat me nicely if I was nice to them, that if I have a good looking profile picture my "friends" would click like, that I can get people's good attention with a well-thought, well-written post on whatever social network it is, so that they might share it with their friends. But man, was I wrong!
I don't have to be "nice", I just have to act like I don't give a heck about whoever is talking to me, ignore them all I want, sound as cheeky and sassy as possible, and people would luuuuv me for it! The number of likes on my profile picture is directly proportional to the amount of skin I'm showing, or how crazy my pose is, or how "popular" I am in real life, even if the picture is terrible! I won't get people's attention to an important matter, I just have to write like: "OMG, worst day of mah lyf!" or a more typical "You don't deserve the attention I give you!" or the classic "I've got nothing left to lose..." in order to get 50 likes in 15 minutes!
Life is absurd, and social networks capture its absurdity on the highest level possible.
So, I quit trying to be popular. I've had enough with the pain and insecurity it causes me to see how different I am wired from the mold of a "popular girl". I don't want to dumb myself down in order to get the "likes" of the lowest common denominator! I won't judge how pretty my picture is by the number of likes or comments it gets, or how witty my one liner is by how many people retweeted or favorited it. I might return to my shell and get back to being the socially awkward nerdy girl no-one was friends with, but it'll be much better than trying to cope with what it takes to be the "it girl"!

Perfection Interrupted: Perfection vs. Individuality

I thought about writing this while having a conversation with my English teacher. I'm mere days away from starting my high school finals, which will eventually determine the university I'll go to. My teacher said that my dilemma of losing marks and half-marks, which eventually lead to a series of A-'s and B's is mainly because of creativity. Now, I'm not creative as in writing down stuff that does not have anything to do with what I'm being taught, nor was he saying this as a way of reprimanding me. I just figured that I try -sometimes subconsciously- to make it obvious I did something. I have to leave a mark on whatever I'm doing. I am individualistic.
This is a challenge in the "one size fits all" system of life I live in, especially when trying so hard to be "perfect."
Being perfect doesn't always mean being the best, but "perfect" does imply that to people sometimes. I struggle to meet the expectations of people around me when I'm not so sure what they expect from me. This is why I long for perfection. Because we all know that the superlative of anything is the clearest form of said thing. I try to be the superlative, and when I fall short, I feel like a failure.
Back to individuality, aka uniqueness or just being different. I don't like being like someone else, none of us does actually. Even the most conventional thinkers try to have a signature way of showing it. God created us in a way that it's impossible for two people to be alike, regardless of how similar they are, they cannot be identical by nature. We, on the other hand, set up standards and molds and labels to put on people so that their uniqueness doesn't bother us. And some submit to the box they've been given to live inside. Personally, I have been trying so hard to fit in the very narrow box of "perfect" for most of my life. I have only recently realized that I'll have no personality of my own if I kept trying to squeeze every last bit of my creativity and individuality into that box.
See, the pattern from the beginning of time till say the 1970s had been to just conform to the standards and be like everybody else. Be different and brace yourself for being called a witch, a clown, a traitor, an idiot, stupid, pointless or helpless. Refer to history for confirmation.
Artists, thinkers, poets and musicians have been outcasts for affirming individuality. Even now, in the age of "freedom of expression" where everyone with a good camera phone is a photographer, and every idiot with a blog is a writer, and every guy with a guitar is a musician, real artists are still outcasts, because their voice is not auto-tuned, because their articles have spelling mistakes, because their paintings are not easy to understand, because their art is not "perfect."
Alas, we ruined both perfection and individuality.
I don't even know whether it is possible for longing for perfection and individuality to reconcile anyway.
Oh, well.

Never Too Young

Maturity has an age. Knowing God has an age. Spontaneity has an age. Oblivion has an age. Screwing up has an age. Wisdom has an age. Believing has an age.

So everything is age restricted. We have set up a system where by a definite age you should have certain characters or behave in a certain manner, or even look a certain way.
Never color outside those lines, or else you'd be socially unacceptable.
Just stick with what everybody else your age is doing and you'll be fine.
That's not age appropriate, you shouldn't (fill in the blank: speak, dress, act, feel) that way!
Stop acting like a little kid!
Why are you talking like you're 50?! Just act your age!

I get the fact that we grow up. I also get the fact that it's a pace-controlled process, not everyone "gets it" at the same age. But why is it that we don't perceive those differences in pace closely, that we might actually find flaws in our system? I'll break it down to you...we do.
It's quite impossible that I'd be the only one ever having difficulty in seeing why I am different.
If there's one thing I know, it's that everyone needs to break out from their age range once in a while.
There's gotta be a time when you feel like acting like a kid again. Or if you're a kid, you feel like handling one of life's serious questions. Only to find yourself getting laughed at in both cases.
I can't even count how many times I've seen someone my age speaking with maturity about a spiritual or social matter without hearing comments on how young they are. Sometimes these comments are meant to ridicule their opinions, sometimes they just marvel at their "untimely" wisdom.
I understand that life gives you experience. But living life yourself is not the only way to get it.
Reading, reflecting, listening, feeling and simply paying attention to life can grant you "wisdom beyond your years."
Some people live for years and still be immature, naive, inexperienced and oblivious. While others can attain maturity, spirituality and wisdom at a very young age. Both groups live life, but some make the most of it, while others let it pass by.
So, waiting to be a certain age to seek the truth, God and knowledge of your inner self is fine. Just you know that you could die now without seeing a side in life that you missed on purpose.
I'm definitely not saying you should try and act older than you are. I'm saying that with seeing the beauty of the present moment and age you're living, try and take a glimpse of life, experience  the thrill of unraveling truth.
Don't wait till you're an old person to reflect upon life. Do it now.

Love, Really?!

What kind of world makes us believe that every princess will be loved, and what if it's not true?
And language speaks poetry in the face of something so dangerous, what is it in these words that mystifies you?
When do these thoughts start swimming in my mind and set my heart to flood, and why does my temperature keep rising? -  Dan Haseltine, The Hawk In Paris

 

Disregarding that the pic on this video is not of the artist, I shall commence my interpretation of why I chose this verse of this particular song to start off ,and what are the circumstances that made it pop into my head in the first place.

Where I live Valentine's day is celebrated twice a year. For some reason in November 4, and the international/ western day of February 14. So it's pretty obvious why I'm writing about this now. I searched Wikipedia for Valentine's Day to find out why there's a conflict or duplication of the celebration date. And since I've practically found nothing, I just kept on reading. I came across two words that stirred some thought or should I say curiosity, the first being "Courtly Love" (not Courtney Love, people!). This one is defined mostly as a relationship where the man sees his lady love interest as superior to him, so he tries to win her affection by doing acts of chivalry, nobility and expressing his non-sexual attraction to her, mostly praising her mind and soul. 

The second is "Platonic Love", that is any relationship based on chaste (non-sexual) love and admiration, be it among two men, two women or a man and a woman. It was named after Plato, who first defined it as a superior emotion to any other, he even named it Divine Eros (divine love) as the opposite to vulgar, earthly, materialistic love. And it was considered by later, 15th century European, Christian philosophers as a state where the people having these emotions use them to draw themselves closer to the ultimate good, that is God. Both of these forms have been expressed heavily in works of literature, mainly poetry.

Wow! That's some thinking. I wonder how far the mankind has drifted away from thinking this way. I wonder why the concepts of love and sexuality have been so mixed and messed up together that it's hard for anyone to picture the former without the latter being involved. Yes, love can exist solely without the help of any other emotion as a source of motivation. Or at least that's what I'd like to think. I think that modern day Earth is a place where personal desires are over-rated. It's saddening actually to regard something so beautiful as a co-dependent thing, or more terribly, dismissing the idea of its existence in the first place!

Love is the greatest gift ever given to Earth by its creator. He made us capable of loving so that we wouldn't drown in an endless hole of self-concern, leading to self-destruction. It made us able to protect who/ what we love and even bother to care for them when needed. It is beautiful, divine, special and should be more common. This ought to bring a lot more peace and serenity to this war-torn, plagued and shattered place we call home.

P.s. I might have been under the influence of lemon tea and a terrible sore throat infection while writing this. So, yeah...

My Actual 1st Post: Perfection Interrupted

Honestly I had no intentions/ plans to post first thing about the blog name, it was the most clever thing I could think of that suited what I'm going for here. So as I playfully Googled the blog (lame I know), I came across this song that bears the same name!
Uncanny coincidence?! Maybe.
I'm the least bit interested in the music, it's the lyrics that are kinda awesome :))
Here it is: Perfection Interrupted by Leeni (God only knows who she is/ they are)

Lyrics:
You're like a movie that's been edited, for a Sunday afternoon rotation
You're like a poorly dubbed foreign film, everything's lost in translation
You're like a sitcom's lame substitute for vulgarity
You're like a B-rate actor's lack of sincerity

[Chorus]
You're like an outtake to a beautifully scripted scene,
where the actor tripped and fell and shouted something obscene
You are perfection, interrupted
And your decent heart has somehow been corrupted

You're like the remake of a classic that didn't need to be improved upon
You're like the fake teeth made of plastic, where all the glisten has been painted on
You're like the logo of blatant product placement
You're like the lead in a horror film who locks herself in the basement

When the world comes to an end, we will look up at the sky,
It will fade to black as the credits roll by,
We will all look for our names for a touch of validation,
But yours will be misspelled, there's an i where the a should go.

I prescribe not listening to it more than twice, it wears off quite easily. But think of it this way, if it were set to more pop-ish music and sung by an A-list popstar, it would've made it to Billboard's top 100 :D
Enjoy :)