Left Behind

 Lately I've been contemplating the feeling of being at a stand still, considering the fact that before last year, all I ever did was move within channels that were cut out for me ever since I was born. I was always doing something, fulfilling an expectation or chasing achievement without really looking twice to check whether I want to be doing whatever it is I was doing or not. I finished school, graduated from university, worked an internship for a year, during which I wound up finding my life partner. We got engaged then married, faced (and are still facing) a global pandemic together, while trying to figure out what to do in these rapidly changing times that aren't really kind to us. 

It's funny that during all of this I'm moving so fast, ageing, growing, making plans and remaking them after life has plans of its own, yet the one feeling I've been consistently having is being stationary. I mean, sure, the fact that I'm currently -barely- working from home is a big part of it, but I made a conscious choice to leave my field of work for the time being because it poses an immense threat to the health and safety of my loved ones before it does me. And in all honesty, I wasn't really eager to work as a dentist even before the dangerously perilous Covid-19. But something about being home at all times is making me feel almost...not there? Like I only exist to the people I interact with daily, and this circle is tightening by the day. 

I was never really a social butterfly, and when the stakes are that high, I wouldn't risk being social over this odd feeling of slowly vanishing. But for someone who's always had a loud, anxious inner voice dictate what they can and can't do, sitting still away from the loudness of everyday life brings about a whole slew of other, equally unpleasant feelings. Hah, it's funny that unpleasant feelings is all I seem to talk about on here.

I still struggle with my mental health though it seems to be less vicious nowadays, for which I'm very thankful. I just hope I can think my way out of feeling redundant, stagnant, left behind.

Young and Beautiful

The thought of growing old scares me. And in that, I join the billions of people who are naturally anxious of advancing in age with all the potential health risks and the loss of loved ones and so on.

I just think it's more than that for me. For example, I'm terrified of the inevitable loneliness I'll experience more with the passing of years. And I'm not talking about not having people around, I mean the entrapment in my own psyche that will increase the older I get. How I'll stop being flexible and accepting of new ideas, How difficult it will be changing and adapting to harsh situations that my idealistic self simply wishes away. How simple it will be to hide my fears and hopes to escape ridicule or avoid conflict.

I'm also not really excited about my body aging. I can see how a year can make a difference now that I can see the pounds piling up, or how a cold doesn't go away as fast as it did before, or even the fine lines that are making a statement on my forehead to remind me I'll enjoy wrinkles for the upcoming three fourths of my life.

I'm scared of becoming less desirable...not just as a woman, but also as a person. I can see the way teenagers of 15 look at me now like I'm an old lady when I try to joke with them. It's funny sometimes, but leaves a bitter aftertaste. I'm especially reminded of it when I think a guy is cute just to find out he's a couple (or more) years younger than me, then look myself in the mirror to realize I look even older than my own age. Such a treat finding out people guess my age at 25 when I'm not yet 22.

I could rant about how youth and beauty are overrated, but they're really not. Just ask people who go under the knife to have their sagging skin tightened, or those who get into relationships with others as young as their own children. I feel like I'm spending the prime of my life laden with such thoughts, that I'll look back on it and regret not enjoying youth and beauty while I had them. But what am I to do when I feel like I have them not, even now?

In the Middle

I'm not even sure whether it's me who's in the way of life, or life is in the way of me.
Periods like the one I'm going through are easily dismissed as "transitional;" something that won't last and probably is leading up to something better. But I have to wonder:
Is it real what we, human people, tell ourselves whenever things get too much to handle or life spurs out of control, that "everything will be alright eventually?" Is it not some random things happening to each of us, the bad and the good? If we tally the good and the bad in each of our lives, are they supposed to magically level off?

Self-pity is pathetic, but it's kind of comforting to know that you sympathize with your own self. I mean, right now as I'm feeling in the way of so many lives, so many happinesses, so much going right for people I care about (including my own self), I kind of like the fact that I'm not hating myself for it.
The way I see it, life also is getting in the way of me being a normally functioning human being. I was not made for waking up at 6:15, toiling my way through life without relishing in the sweet taste of meaningful connection with other human beings. The fakery of smiles and giggles to strangers you work or study with, who think they know you because they know your first name is draining. The weeks spent without good company, with no rush or excitement at the prospect of doing something or seeing someone you love is painful.
Monotony is painful. Loss of passion and purpose is painful. Boredom is deadly.

So I ask for help, and what I get is a concoction of tried and tested formulas of how to be a normal person. How to get your rough ends rounded enough to fit in the nice cookie cutter shape of the ambiguous yet weirdly specific good person. A good student, a good daughter, a good God-follower, a good friend, a good whatever-you-fill-in-the-space. The approach that everyone's going for is: "Well, looks like your life is pretty much a cleared piece of land, so why not build it up the way everyone around you wants you to?!" Sure thang! That's a pretty damn awesome plan, collective mind of the peoples!

I had mentioned in a previous post that my attempts to not get in the way previously prevented me from ever breaking rules or rebelling against authority even in my oh-so-vulnerable teenage years. But goodness gracious! It looks like now, at 21, I'm starting to think to hell with everyone!

Okay, okay. Not that drastically. But I'm getting more and more convinced that as long as I'm not actively trying to hurt someone else, I shouldn't worry too much about what people will make out of my life's decisions. Sure, I may do things I regret later, but it's those things that I might remember when I'm old and gray and think: "Man, I used my stupid young person privilege well!"

One of these stupid things is staying up writing till 3:15 on a school night. Oh well.

The Ella Enchanted Syndrome

For my whole life, I've been the goody-two-shoes who follows laws, rules, and regulations with blind obedience. I was told it was best for everyone. I was told it keeps everyone safe, happy, and productive. I was told when things are in order, little could go wrong.

Throughout my almost twenty one years of life, I saw laws being broken, regulations ignored, and people doing whatever the hell they wanted to do, to little or no consequences on the greater good of the society. Sure, many of those instances lead to injustices that affected me directly and personally, but no one else cared and I knew it was best for everyone if I just kept my mouth shut. I realized I bend under pressure and cave in under the unjust rule of tyrannous figures who only cared about that elusive, mysterious "greater good."
And for the very few times I tried to play rebellious and pay no heed to their warnings, all hell broke loose.

This is not to say I got in much trouble, because the last "serious" trouble I ever got into was back in kindergarten when I publicly defied a teacher who didn't like that I talked too much. The situation worked out in my favor after my mother meddled, but ever since I've always thought twice and thrice and a million times before defying authority. Be that the security guard in front of a building who insists on making my life harder because he can, to the teachers, professors, religious leaders, team leaders and so on of the people who have a say on what goes and what doesn't in my life.

I just don't like using uncivil manners, which might seem contradictory to my feisty personality and quick temper. But screaming and using foul language always comes with more internal repercussions than external for me. I have terrible guilt that breaks me down every time I lash out at someone, whether they deserve it or not. Added to the perfectly convenient (hah!) unlikable aura that surrounds me wherever I go, it just makes life pretty hard for me to not be a complete and utter angel. I can't -of course- because I'm human, but my failure to conceal contempt or disgust or any negative feeling there is always makes me dissatisfied with my performance in the system I am currently living in; the system that both repels me and repulses me.

But I'm tired of that. I'm tired of feeling scared all the time lest I step on someone's toes accidentally while I go on living my life. I want, for a change, to not care whether my existence is causing someone trouble or inconvenience. I want to stop caring about everyone's needs and desires, likes and dislikes before my own. I want to stop regarding the laws and rules and unspoken conventions (which failed to protect my rights uncountable times) as sacred laws to be regarded above my personal comfort. I'm tired of being a coward and fearing the consequences of every action I take no matter how trivial and insignificant it is. And I'm tired of being scared to stand up for what I think is best for me, regardless of what people say and rules dictate.

I want to embrace this phase of rebelliousness now that I can, for one day I'll wake up unable to defend my rights that I let go of, when I possessed the voice and energy to stand up for them and receded. 

10 Things I Learned As A Short-haired Girl

I have really curly hair (3b on the curl chart), but for my entire adolescent life, I did everything I could to mask it. I never went outside unless my hair was perfectly straightened or waved, and my poor hair was so co-operative that nobody would believe it when I told them my hair is actually very very curly. I recently got it cut, it's now 12-16 inches shorter in different places, and the plan is to almost never heat treat it; i.e. to go natural.

 Here is some of my newly acquired wisdom regarding hair length (and texture!) on girls...and why it's nobody's business but theirs. 

               

1. My hair before the cut was really really long. Longer than I thought it was due to damage and split ends.

2. All guys love long hair on girls.

3. Most girls wish they could chop all their hair off. They don't because of the former reason.

4. People stare at curly hair as if it were an anomaly, which truly is paradoxical since I live in an African, Middle Eastern country. Tells you a lot about beauty standards.

5. I really really like it. More than I thought I would.

6. Change is really easy for me to adapt to; I feel like I've had my hair this short since forever.

7. People who are really close to you won't filter out their opinions of your appearance. Which means getting a lot of "you're insane" and "you look 40."

8. I spend much less time worrying about how I look, whether I have stray locks or frizz. I know I do, I just don't really care about it anymore.

9. "Going natural" made me realize I can feel beautiful with no maintainance whatseoever. But it also made me appreciate how much effort women put into their looks. It's no easy task for a girl, you know.

10. Personal choices are easy to make if you don't think much about what people would say. If I had thought of every time people would look at my short hair with pity, I probably would have had second thoughts about it.

People still drop sour comments about it and some of them kind of sting, but at the end of the day, I look myself in the mirror feeling beautiful and feeling like myself. I wouldn't trade that for all the "good hair days" in the world if they don't give me that. smile emoticon

Thoughts in the early (morning)

I'm lying on a couch at 5:43 am. I've only been awake since 8 pm last night, which felt like the early morning of my warped day.

I'm unhappy. The most unhappy I remember myself being in a long time. While I know the definite reasons for this unhappiness, I know how they came about and how my recklessness was a major part of that, I keep reminding myself that life's lows are life's lessons.

I can't write very well when I'm happy. I can write fairly well when I'm stable and indifferent, but not when I'm too excited or elated. I write quite well when I'm unhappy or lonely or even depressed and frustrated, and though it's been a while since I posted anything on here, I have been very active on other, more private platforms.Those keep safe the sides of my life that I wish to remain hidden, and also provide the venting I get from writing here.

Having a good memory and a knack for keeping "mementos" from each part of my journey through life had been two of the major things that feed my nostalgia. I would love to travel to the past if possible, but for now small trips down memory lanes suffice. But as of late, they also started to feed a sense of regret for all the times I know I should have acted differently, that could have most likely spared me my current "low." I know I just said right above that lows are lessons, but some lessons are best learned by observation, not trial. I know mending one's broken heart is hard to learn by just observing, but in the midst of all the pain, a few regrets make the red carpet appearance.

Being objective and telling myself I acted in a wrong way when I really should has not always been a merit of mine. I tend to either shake my mistakes off after correcting the done damage, or lie in this endless hole of shame and misery and absolute mortification, blaming my mistakes on my nature rather than my conscious (or unconscious) actions. I don't do self-accountability exactly right, which is a shame because I really need to learn how to.

I don't have a very healthy self-image. I work on that when I'm in a good place mentally and emotionally, but every once in a while a blow to my self-esteem causes me to try to rebuild what was shattered and broken down from the foundation rather than build on it. It gets disheartening at times, but I know it's worth the effort every time I look in the mirror and feel grateful for what I see.

I'm still rather emotionally inclined while making decisions. I appreciate it because it helped me maintain most of my current healthy relationships. It led me to some paths I wish to never tread again, but I'll count it as a blessing in today's solid, rational, materialistic world.

It's quite different for me writing this post, because contrary to my others on this blog, it doesn't revolve around an idea. It's just a bunch of stuff I wanted written down to remind me of my thought process during this time of my life. I'll try to be more frequent in writing on here, because frankly I need it more than anything right now. Although my other platforms which have been either private or anonymous offered some relief at time of need, I think it's about time I got back to being myself.

If you reached the end of this kind of irrelevant post, I truly thank you. Till next time!

When we stop saying "No"...

This isn't about peer pressure as you might have guessed from the title. I'm writing about what happens when we stop saying no to our own selves.
So, we're creatures who seek comfort and convenience wherever those may be. I'd like to think that my laziness is a shared misery with everyone else out there, and I guess it is. We seek the shortest/easiest way to our destinations, we choose flats over high heels (unless it's more rewarding to wear heels ;)), and we like to avoid confusing situations where we feel uncomfortable. It's all normal to be for this and against that; it makes sense.

However, sometimes the most natural and normal way out of a situation is contradictory to a principle one is in full conviction with. Sometimes lying to a teacher or professor or boss is the only way that's won't get you into trouble in a sticky situation, or giving into the temptation to eat that last slice of pizza although you're already full and on a diet. Sometimes checking out that girl in an extra tight, low cut top seems like the only possible option, or hurting a person whether emotionally or physically in retaliation of something they did to you just feels right.

The examples I've cited are related to different forms of conviction, they're either beliefs, morals, or just plain old situations where self-control is needed. The only thing in common is that if you react "normally" you'd realize that it was not correct, but that doesn't stop you.

Okay, so it happened once. Now what?

People vary in reacting to their failure to keep up with the standards they put (or believe were put) for themselves. Some people realize they failed to keep up with the standard and feel a pinch of guilt that prevents them from repeating the shortcoming. Other people experience what is called Cognitive dissonance, defined as:

1. the state of having inconsistent thoughts, beliefs, or attitudes, especially as relating to behavioral decisions and attitude change.

which, in simpler words, means that they start to have second thoughts about their "already there" beliefs and attitudes. They start questioning whether their worldview was right, and how -if so- it failed to keep them in line with their own expectations of themselves.

So what happens when a person doesn't stop and say "No" to their own head when it starts having this kind of thoughts? What happens when a person almost trips into failing to keep their standards, but doesn't say "No" to themselves?

It doesn't feel overly weird at first. It feels quite normal to just go through life like that without holding yourself accountable for every thought and action that comes out of you. But little by little you start noticing your own behavioral changes; a slight increase in selfishness, more disregard of other people's opinion -even the ones you see as close, even more questioning of those beliefs with a slight partiality to what you see as most compatible to your actions. You start surrounding yourself with people who are stuck in the same loop. And ultimately, you start forming new beliefs to replace the old, obsolete ones.

It feels quite different to pull yourself out from the first step than from the last. Some people realize there's no hope at all in regaining their lost standards and decide to stick to their new ones out of comfort and/or convenience.

A repetition of this cycle produces an unstable person, someone who doesn't know exactly where they stand, and more often a person with a shifting moral code and ergo, shifting personality.

Accessible

The feeling of loneliness, we've all experienced it at some point, and I can say dreaded it for the most part. It's the feeling that creeps up on you after you've been around so many people, laughing and being merry, but after a while the company starts to fade out of sight and you're just left with it. It's that feeling of helplessness associated with need; the need for attention and acceptance, and maybe some consolation in the form of a warm hug or a pat on the back. We all crave it and we all can't do without it.

So how to fulfill the need without sounding demanding or "needy"? You become accessible.
We as humans have this hypothesis engraved in our minds that when we offer something, we're more likely to have it reciprocated. It's true for the majority to see life as a series of trading transactions, we do something for something else in return. Be that thing a material payment, an appreciative gesture, or for the more self-righteous of us, the mere sense of satisfaction for having done good. It explains why we go through a lot of crap without a short-term profit; I mean, how many times were you convinced as a child to do something because it'll get you into heaven?
But that's not our point. The point here is we offer so much because we expect so much in return. So, for example, one offers 3-4 hours daily for socializing/checking up on friends because they somehow hope to find a friend checking up on them when they feel lonely...simple as that.

Of course with social media this has become a million times easier and more convenient. You now can interact with ten times the number of people you could interact with say 20 years ago, and reach an audience of numbers you could have only wished to reach as a dreamy, wide-eyed little kid. It's become so simple to show little bits and pieces of your personality to your acquaintances and friends so as to make yourself look as charming and inviting as possible. It all works out perfectly to ward off that lousy loneliness, right?

Wrong. Sometimes the idea of acceptance sounds amazing when uttered as a general notion, like how we all should embrace each other's differences and celebrate each other's presence. However, it can cause one to think of themselves in terms of their ambiguous traits, the silhouette of their personality rather than its core, or even worse for more self-conscious people, to feel like they're deceiving their grand audience into thinking they're something better and more appealing than their true selves, which is a very guilt-inducing, self-destructive thought. It could lead these people to making all kinds of stupid decisions to disrupt the image taken of them and disprove any theories of their wholeness.

Real loneliness needs real connection to chase it away. It needs open lines of communication and a willingness to share the innermost fears and desires with someone who understands and appreciates. It needs care that extends beyond lines of texts or minutes of phone calls with contrived emotions and cold, yellow images of pseudo-facial expressions. It needs intimacy, emotional and physical.

The Gold-coated rule?!

My Facebook news feed is the worst place to be right now. Seriously, yours might be just as bad and you don't know it!
You see, all I see is lots of people my age and younger complaining about how terrible people are, how they're done with trying to find friends, and how having active relationships with other people is just not worth it anymore.
It got me thinking; why the hell would someone so young lose hope in dealing with people, while they practically lived only a quarter of their normal life expectancy period?!
Are people really this terrible to each other?
Have we become so frightened that we'd get under-appreciated and maltreated by people that we started to treat them this horribly?
What would happen if we started living a simpler life, one void of all the over-thinking, psychoanalyzing and misinterpretations?
What would happen if we just followed the Golden Rule? Is it really hard to treat people the way we want to be treated?!

But it's not like that, right?!
Well, the Golden Rule is -philosophically- a nice way to live by. You do unto people as you would have them do unto you, and you expect things to work in your favor just because you did the right thing. Right?
Na-uh!
Unless you're the 12-year-old part of the chart, you already know people can be monstrous creatures whose only viability comes from preying on other people. It might be an over-statement, but I've seen people enjoying others' failings, applauding their mistakes, or waiting to see the next wrong thing they'll do just to feel better about themselves.
Horrible, isn't it?
But come on, you'd be lying to your own face if you think you hadn't been this horrible of a person to someone before. Even if you haven't hurt anyone with a word or a look of dismay, I'm pretty sure that somewhere along the path of your life you judged someone, or felt superior to them because of a failing they had.
I can't say I never did this, because I did. And now I know why I shouldn't have.
I'd like people to be nice to me, actually, I'd love it if everyone liked me. I already know it's an impossibility, but wouldn't it be nice to know that there's no one out there hating your guts and loathing the very fact that you're breathing? I'd love if that were true!
However, and I'm sorrowfully speaking here, I know I'm not like that to everyone. I'm called not to accept, tolerate or co-exist with others who are different from me...I'm called to LOVE them!
Now I know it's a tough commandment to follow, and I feel like acting it's not there most of the time. But frankly, I know my life would be much easier if I did.
Carrying the burden of other people's faults is actually very consuming if not destructive. You either lose hope in finding "the right people" to be around, or feel much better about yourself because you sin differently from them. Both ways won't lead you to be at peace with yourself and others, or reach heaven eventually.
So, I say don't live by the "Gold-coated Rule", that is, convincing yourself everything is fine and that you're treating people "nice enough" and it's the way you want to be treated. You'll come back complaining later because you never want to feel "accepted in spite of" you want to feel "loved because". If you have a problem with someone, face yourself with it and forgive them from the bottom of your heart. Love them wholeheartedly because of the many great things they are. And know that God loves you in spite of your failings, He can expose to everyone how messed up you are, but He covers you up. You -in turn, the mere human- don't really own the right to judge your brother.
You know, you shouldn't expect to find favor in people's eyes if you don't offer them grace first.

Nineteen

It feels so weird, too old for the age I long felt stuck in...I always picture myself 16.
I'm not even sure if it's too soon or should have been sooner.
I mean, I take a look at my life now and wonder "When the heck did I grow so old?" Then I look back on every single event, detail, blessing and disaster that took my life and completely altered it over the course of the past 19 years, and I realize that it's 30 years worth of life events I've lived so far!
I don't know whether I should be happy or upset about it.
I do know I'm happy with the over-whelming love I received from almost everyone I know. I feel so blessed by how so many people who are not even this close to me are being nice enough to say such sweet things! But I also know that my birthday is not everyday, and growing up will eventually show its crappy side sooner rather than later. Sigh...
I'm confused about so many things right now, trying to set priorities for my life has never looked to difficult!
I'll just keep praying and talking to God about the mess I call my life for now. It felt much better not having to carry around the weight of my life and trusting Him, before I started taking matters into my own hands.
#GloomiestBirthdayBlogPostEver :/

They Told Me to: "Have A Life"

Okay, this is my very first "request post" on this blog. I have an Ask.fm account on which I receive questions about everything related to my very interesting life *sarcasm font*. It's a way to spend (or kill) time in my very interesting summer vacation. I received this question about my blog, which denotes the existence of an anonymous fan to this blog. Although I have about 3000 views already, I do not hear from anyone reading it except for some personal friends who offer their valuable feedback. So, I was very excited, to be honest. That "fan" did request I write about "Having a life". Here's how they requested it:

Ok then,there's some words that keeps echoing in my mind..."Have a life".you know,when someone spend his whole day on the internet chatting with his friends & playing facebook games he has to "have a life".I need you to write an article about this subject.how can someone have a life in your opinion?

 So, I will talk to you personally about the subject, pal. People think that having a life is to not spend your whole day on the interwebz? It sounds logical that spending time staring at a screen won't do you any good. I'll have to disagree there. Although our culture emphasizes the importance of having face to face communication and relationships with people, there are many many people who can not function properly in this system.
 You have shy people who are not willing to be the first to break the ice in a conversation. They normally fumble and hesitate to talk to people they've just met. Their only solution is to get to know these people first by having nice conversations on social media websites and trying to practice what will engage them better in a chat.
 Then you have gaming nerds, and nerd here is by no means an insult. These people love to spend their time living in a CGI world of their own. That's what they like to spend their time doing, so why rob them of this pleasure. Aren't they allowed to enjoy a fun game that does not require a physique they don't have? Or should they try and play on the field and get hurt, bruised and smashed by the "big kids".
 Our next category is by far my favorite, "The Coders". These people are the epitome of the human brain. I personally wish I were gifted with the ability to understand, yet memorize complex codes and protocols. These people are the "lifeless nerds" who allow you to own the latest and the greatest of technological contraptions. They spend countless hours staring at screens to develop and improve the quality of consumer electronics you take for granted. Aren't they missing out? Not a bit! You should see how Mark Zuckerberg is missing out with all the multi millions he has.
 I will speak of experience on the next one. I've been a literary geek since I was about 12. My favorite thing was to sit and read a book. And since I was an avid English literature reader, libraries and bookstores didn't help me much. What would I do, then? I'd search for free e-books and read them, read articles and blogs online...etc. This means that without my precious computer, I wouldn't have been able to keep this blog or write at all. So, if I were to choose whether to have "a life" or a computer...you know what I'd pick.

So, there ya go, pal! I'm sorry if this blog post doesn't go with what you think. After all, I keep this blog to express my humble opinions and rant about my personal issues.

Social Networks & Social Insecurity

I initially thought of writing this as a Facebook post, I don't know why, but I have seemingly forgotten I have a blog. It's been over a month since I posted on here. This particular month witnessed tons of changes in my life, the first of which is that I got accepted into college! I also went on vacation, made a few new friends, and had fights with old ones, then reconciled with them...or whatnot.
I'll get to the point of the post. I believe every human being on the face of this earth suffers from some kind of insecurity. Be it their appearance, intelligence, sociability, people they're related to...etc. What truly differentiates calm, collected people, from panicky, freaked out people is their ability to manage their insecurities. Some people like to hide how they feel towards the points of lack or weakness they have, while others make it more obvious, whether to earn people's sympathy, to justify their failings or any other reason I might not be aware of. Though genetics may have a hand in the level of insecurity one has, I'm a firm believer that their surroundings are responsible for the majority of the problems this insecurity causes. Social networks are guilty of being a big part of it. Remember that one time when you were home, bored, sitting on your couch in sweat pants, and you decide to check your Facebook, only to see pictures of your friends smiling, happy, on vacation, triumphant and with a partner. While you feel lonely, lost, a failure, bored and alone. Remember how it made you feel to watch an insane sum of "likes" on your classmate's, colleague's or friend's picture, while yours only has a handful? I'll tell you what I felt like then: an outsider, dissatisfied with what I own, unpopular, ugly, not enough, repulsive, alien...oh, the list goes on.
I once thought that people would treat me nicely if I was nice to them, that if I have a good looking profile picture my "friends" would click like, that I can get people's good attention with a well-thought, well-written post on whatever social network it is, so that they might share it with their friends. But man, was I wrong!
I don't have to be "nice", I just have to act like I don't give a heck about whoever is talking to me, ignore them all I want, sound as cheeky and sassy as possible, and people would luuuuv me for it! The number of likes on my profile picture is directly proportional to the amount of skin I'm showing, or how crazy my pose is, or how "popular" I am in real life, even if the picture is terrible! I won't get people's attention to an important matter, I just have to write like: "OMG, worst day of mah lyf!" or a more typical "You don't deserve the attention I give you!" or the classic "I've got nothing left to lose..." in order to get 50 likes in 15 minutes!
Life is absurd, and social networks capture its absurdity on the highest level possible.
So, I quit trying to be popular. I've had enough with the pain and insecurity it causes me to see how different I am wired from the mold of a "popular girl". I don't want to dumb myself down in order to get the "likes" of the lowest common denominator! I won't judge how pretty my picture is by the number of likes or comments it gets, or how witty my one liner is by how many people retweeted or favorited it. I might return to my shell and get back to being the socially awkward nerdy girl no-one was friends with, but it'll be much better than trying to cope with what it takes to be the "it girl"!